A few thoughts

I still don't want to share my political views. I'm scared of being yelled at, being called stupid, or having people hate me. But I have a few, slightly generic thoughts in my head - not enough to really form an actual political post, but just enough to frame out what I think might be the most important take-aways from this election season thus far.

- I understand that people don't really like Hillary, or trust her. But I'm still confused on why some refer to her as a criminal.

- I totally understand disagreeing with a party's views, and even voting for the opposing party just because... but the idea of voting for someone you admit is bad for the country doesn't make sense.

- There is very little about government that is fair or logical or reasonable. Much of it is corrupt and biased. I'm confused by the idea that voting for one guy could change hundreds of years of that history.

- If  you want to change the system, maybe not voting for a rich white dude is a good place to start.

- What exactly is the appeal of Donald Trump? People say it's because he "speaks the truth." But whose truth? He's seems like a racist, misogynistic bully to me, and while I am sure he's a very smart business man, I've seen no evidence that he knows how to work with others to get something done. I've met a lot of CEOs and presidents in my lifetime; they were all smart, determined, resilient, and used to getting their own way. None of them possessed an ounce of the diplomacy required to be the leader of the free world.

- The idea that you need to vote for Hillary if you are a feminist seems backwards to me. Feminism isn't (or at least shouldn't be) based on the idea that women should get the job. It's based on the idea that women should have the same chance as men for the same job. You can be happy that a woman finally broke through and still not feel she's the best person for the job.

- That being said... if you are a woman, and you've ever lost a new job or a promotion or a raise because you are a woman, you should be at least a tiny bit happy that another barrier is broken. It's a big deal for a woman to stand where Hillary stood the other night. Take a moment and think on that, even if you still don't like her or her politics.

- If we're friends, I will still be your friend after this election. Unless you're a racist, misogynistic bully and/or support the idea that minorities, women, or immigrants are in any way less important than white, American men.

But if that's the case, I'm not sure how we became friends in the first place - and I'm sure you won't think of it as any big loss anyway.

Slammed doors

Since my family's favorite holiday traditions of nagging and guilt have already started, I wanted to share my thoughts on gratitude now - while I still feel somewhat friendly and sentimental.

If I've learned anything in the last few years, it's that blessings are everywhere, even if they aren't always obvious. Sometimes what seems like missed opportunity is actually redirection towards something so much better. Sometimes, God slams a door shut because we are not smart enough to close it on our own.

There was a time when I thought my life would never be good, because it could never be what I wanted. I tried feeling sorry for myself - turns out, that doesn't really work. So I set out to make the best of what I could with what I had left. It didn't work right away, and at times I got discouraged. What I came to realize was that time wasn't being wasted - it just takes a long time and a lot of patience to build an amazing life full of joy and hope.

When I think about where I was even a year ago, I realize that if I had gotten everything I thought I wanted, I would have missed out on something so much better.

Sometimes, the most painful lessons are the biggest blessings. We have to hurt to understand what we really need. We have to go through loss to find what really matters. We have to be forced to change to figure out what we were doing wrong. But once you accept those lessons and open your heart to the possibility that you don't know everything... wonderful, amazing things happen.

This year, when asked why I am thankful, my answer will be:

I am thankful that God helped me see what I was doing wrong. I am thankful that He gave me friends who could help me navigate the loss, and make the changes I needed. But most of all, I am so very thankful that He slammed that door shut.

My with yous

I like to think I am a good friend, with whom it is easy to get along. I do my best to be there for the people closest to me. I'll even be helpful to people not close to me, if I can. I rarely argue, mostly because most things are just not worth the effort. I'm pretty laid back, in that I don't really care what time we meet, what movie we see, who drives, where we eat, etc. Actually, I don't care about much. *shrug*

But on the rare occasion something does matter to me, I know I can become difficult. I over-think, over-analyze, and I worry - a lot. If I get disappointed, I get sad and maybe even a little down on myself. It never lasts long, and to be honest, it's improved. But it's definitely in those times when I know for sure who really cares for me.

This past weekend, my church wrapped up its series on relationships. The message was about how we are not created to go through life alone. At first I was like, "Really? This week?!" But then it improved. Pastor Mike Mills told us throughout life, we will meet three kinds of people.

For yous are people who encourage us to be our best, and stick around in good times. They celebrate victories, but are generally not there to support us through our trials.

Use yous are those people who are only around to support their own agenda.

With yous, though... with yous are the people worth having around. They are the people who will pick you up when you fall, and carry you until you can walk on your own. They cheer when you're happy, and cry when you're hurt. They want the best for you, and support your choices, even if they don't always agree.

When I am my normal agreeable, accommodating self, it's tough to tell the for yous from the with yous. When I'm doing for others, even the use yous get mixed in.

But when I'm broken and defeated and disappointed, and struggling to pull myself up again... that's when my with yous stand out.

I'm not at all sure what I did to deserve such amazing people in my life... but I'm sure glad I have them.

Everything, always

Christmas was always my favorite holiday growing up. I love presents, and as the only child of divorced parents, I got a crap-ton on Christmas.

When I was married, Christmas was still my favorite. I was (and am) still an only child - and I continued to get a crap-ton of stuff. Some of it turned into gift cards, which was great. There were just enough to last until my birthday, which my parents conveniently placed just about 6 months out. Nicely done!

Then I got divorced, which I admit put a pretty big damper on Christmas. Don't get me wrong - I still have a lovely holiday, I'm still surrounded by wonderful people, and I do still like stuff (though there's something to be said for downsizing).

Something else I learned this year is that there's been something missing from my holidays (and, probably other days, too, but let's focus). The most important, lovely, and special things simply don't fit under a tree.

Shiny packages and pretty stuff can make a great substitute - that is, until your heart figures out what really matters most.

Luckily, the trick to finding the important stuff is the same as when you asked Santa for a new toy on Christmas.

Believe.

Merry Everything, Happy Always - that's my Christmas wish.

Stuff I learned in 2014

It's been kind of a long year. A whole lot has happened, yet in some ways I still feel like I am in the same spot. I figured out some things I want to fix, and I'm doing OK, but feel like I have a little ways to go. I thought it might help to look back at what I actually learned and accomplished in 2014.

 

I learned that positive thinking actually works. I allowed myself to visualize the way I wanted my life to look on my 40th birthday - and it happened. To be honest, I thought I had a hold of the whole positive thinking thing a while back, but I really don't think I truly "got" it until this year.

 

I learned that you're never too far gone to start making better choices. Earlier this year I made some horrible, icky decisions (yeah, it was pretty bad). I thought there was no way to recover from those mistakes, but have since figured out it was as simple as forgiving myself, and then saying, "no more."

 

I learned that my life will probably never look the way I thought it would. More importantly, I learned that's OK with me. My happiness doesn't have to be like everyone else's, it just has to make me smile.

 

I learned that my past might shape me, but it doesn't have to define me.

 

I learned that a person is never too old to learn patience. I also learned that patience is not an easy thing to learn.

 

I learned what faith really is - and I learned that it works.

 

I learned was reminded that the most important people are those who will tell you the truth, even when it is not what you want to hear.

 

I learned that when you build walls to protect yourself from the bad, you also block your blessings. Letting people in is a risk - but it's one that's worth taking.

 

I learned that a lot can happen in a year. I'm ready to see what might happen in 2015.

 

 

Forever people

Friendship is weird. Think about it - who we meet sometimes seems pretty random. If you're like me, you probably meet new people all the time. Most just pass right by. But every now and then, you meet someone and stop. It's like you both decided, "Hey - I like this one. I think I'll keep it."

Even though it seems random and senseless, I personally think we meet who we meet for very good reasons. Sometimes it takes a really long time to understand. Other times, it's obvious right away. Sometimes, we never really know.

I feel like that's because it's not always about us. They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes the reason isn't ours - we're there to help someone else learn a lesson or get through a difficult time.

The downside of that is the potential to get hurt. I have shed quite a few tears over the hurtful words or actions of others. Sometimes, it just hurts when I lose them from my life.

I used to think those encounters were some sort of proof that I did not deserve happiness. The whole,"why me; what did I do to deserve that?" thing. But over time, I have come to look at these reason/season people as a blessing.

{Stop rolling your eyes. I'm being serious here.}

How wonderful is it to be in such a good place, I am strong enough to bring good into someone else's life? Even if it means a little temporary heartache - what better proof could there be that I am on the right path?

More proof I'm on the right track? In completely random, senseless ways I have met some amazing forever people. People I could call anytime, and I know they'd stop what they were doing to come help. People who, at different times and in different ways, have all helped carry me when I could not carry myself.

If I can bring them half the blessings they bring me, I'd say I'm doing just fine.

Before and after

By now you know I sold my house and moved. What you may not know is that I sold my house to a dear friend of mine and that guy she married.*

I adore them, of course, and I am so very happy to see them happy.

Of course, we're all friends on Facebook, Twitter, and I'm not sure where else. I see the pictures and status updates, and comments from their friends and family, as they post about their renovation efforts. I even helped them move some stuff into the house (though I stopped short of carrying boxes of hardwood flooring).

The other day, a mutual friend asked how I was handling that - seeing a complete dismantle of the house I called home for so long. Even X asked how I would ever be able to go back, and see how the work and memories I made have been changed.

I'll admit - at first it was strange. It felt weird, seeing pictures of my house on someone else's timeline, labeled "before." I thought back to when X and I moved in, and took the same photos (in the BF - Before Facebook - era). Except, we called them "after."

But the truth is - the house hadn't been my "home" for a long time. I bought it as one half of a couple, many years ago. The projects and renovations we did were done as a team. Sure, I bought the house after the divorce, and it was mine. Yes, I continued to make memories - Chrissy and her kids lived there for a while, there were parties and house guests and little changes.

But the house was never what I imagined back in 2003, when I was full of ideas and hope for what we could make of it. That all stopped the day X left. That was the day the house stopped being my home.

There is an episode of How I Met Your Mother in which Ted gives up his long-time apartment. In the letter he writes to his friends, he says he thought the apartment had been haunted by memories of a love he lost, but he finally realized that it was really haunted by him. He had stopped living and was standing still in time, and the apartment was keeping him from moving on.

At some point, the house did the same for me. It allowed me to stay stuck in a place where I didn't have to deal with the reality that my life is different - and it was time to move on. The house was my excuse, my refuge from the scariest thing we all face now and then.

Change.

The truth is, home is a fluid concept. When we're young, it's with our parents. At some point, it becomes that first apartment where we spread our wings for the first time. Eventually, if we're lucky, it becomes that house we buy right when we think we're settling down.

It'd be nice if that was the last home for everyone. For some, it will be, and I think that's simply wonderful.

For me, home has changed again. I'm grateful that I owned a house, and saw some of those hopes and dreams come true.

I'm also grateful that I was able to own the home on my own for a bit, that it was there to help my friends when needed, and to shelter me while I healed.

Now I'm grateful it will be there for someone else's hopes and dreams - and I actually feel quite honored I'll get to witness those dreams come true.

After years of haunting, I'm finally finding my new home - and my after has become someone else's before.

*Make sure to visit their sites for pictures of the renovations and other musings on life, and home ownership.

My 25 percent

In church this weekend, Pastor discussed celebrating and enjoying life. He talked about how much time we spend in pursuit of material things, or trying to please others.

He mentioned reading once that the people you meet in life can be broken down into four categories:

• 25% will not like you.
• 25% will not like you - but could be convinced to like you.
• 25% will like you - but could be convinced not to.
• 25% will like you - no matter what.

Those are the people you need in your life, and you should not be concerned with pleasing anyone else.

I am so grateful for my 25%. I am blessed to have people who accept me, faults and all. People I know I can count on, without even having to ask.

Knowing who your 25% are not only makes life a little happier - it makes dealing with the other 75% much easier.

Windshield washer

On my drive to work this morning, I watched a driver in a car next to me roll - yes, as in crank - down her window, reach her arm out and over, and splash what looked like Gatorade on the outside of her windshield.

Of course, I can't be sure if it was Gatorade, or windshield washer fluid in a Gatorade bottle, as her regular method of windshield washer fluid distribution.

It's a little scary how much the two things look alike? What if a passenger mistook it for Gatorade, and took a sip?! Or what if she forgot?

Anyway....

It got me thinking about solutions we use when we're young that we'd never even consider as we get a little older. I can remember the floor of my first car getting a small rust hole on the driver's side. My "solution?" A thicker car mat.

In high school, I had a friend who drove a VW Bug. Not one of the fancy new models that was released in the late 1990s. I'm talking about a car right from the 1960s in his driveway. The engine was where the trunk should have been, and the front seats backed right up against the backseat. I was the only friend short enough to ride in back.

Most of the car worked well. (Except for the parking break...the car did slide down a steep driveway into the road.) One part that was a little iffy was the defroster.

So one night, three of us were driving to the movies, and the windows were getting a little foggy. The passenger tried to turn on the fan; our friend the car shook his head and handed her a sponge.

"Wipe the windshield," he instructed.

She leaned forward and wiped down as much of the windshield as she could reach. Then handed the sponge to me so I could take care of the rear windshield.

I'm not sure any of us would be OK with that solution today - but we made it to the movies.

Singleness

This just in: I'm single on Valentines Day.

More breaking news: I'll be single after my 40th birthday, too.

What's really surprising? I'm perfectly OK with my singleness.

I rarely talk about dating here - and this post is no different. I'm not talking about dating, or even how I handle not dating.

I'm here to talk about how much it seems to bother other people that I'm single.

I really am OK with all the links to articles about how to be single when I'm 40, or what people have learned being single in their 30s, or how to handle V-Day solo. My personal favorite was this one (Joe wasn't impressed, though - typical guy).

I'm OK when friends ask what is new, and I try to talk to them about Stella & Dot, or Big Brothers Big Sisters, or selling my house - or anything. I'm thankful some listen, and it's really OK that some don't. It's even OK when some immediately ask, "Are you seeing anyone?" As if every other accomplishment pales in comparison to the lack of romantic love in my life.

"What's that? You cured cancer?! Great. Were you able to find a date for that wedding? No? Well, don't worry - you'll find him when you least expect it. Maybe you should just focus on yourself for a while..."

Anyone else find it ridiculous that someone would offer "focus on yourself" as advice to someone who obviously already is?

The condescending smiles and encouragement are fine. Welcome actually.

They don't make me sad. They don't make me angry. I don't feel inferior, or inspired to marry the next guy who comes along.

The advice makes me smile. I remember (fondly) the times in my life when I was in a healthy, happy, committed relationship. I know how good that can feel - and what a blessing it is to find someone you love, who loves you back.

I'm happy for my friends who I know are happy - and who I know want the same for me.

But of course - not all the advice comes from those in happy, healthy relationships. Not all of it is about me being happy. Sometimes it's about the advisor trying to make himself feel better by making me feel bad.

Then I'm grateful. I understand how precious love is, and how easily it's lost. I know that no matter how much of an "expert" you think you are, you're never more than one big misunderstanding away from being single next Valentines Day.

So, to my friends who truly want me to be happy - Happy Valentines Day. Thanks for showing me what love is really all about.

To the others....maybe you should just focus on yourselves for a while.

Always something

Have you ever heard someone say, "It's always something."

In my experience, it's usually an older woman, and she's usually shaking her head when she says the words. She usually just got bad news for herself, or heard a family member telling a sad story of his own.

I'm never really sure if she is saying it because she empathizes with someone going through a difficult time - or because she doesn't really care, but has nothing else to say, and feels like she needs to say something.

I heard it the other day, and I found myself wondering - why don't I hear people saying "it's always something" when they get good news or hear a happy story? Or is it just that some people always see the bad?

Like, if I tell them how I had a really nice weekend, that was quiet and peaceful. Or how I was able to hang out with Joe, enjoy my deck, and even get a little sun. Or if I share how canceled Friday plans turned into a lovely Sunday night. Or about my geat Sunday afternoon nap. Or even how when a few people did bug me, it was comical and I was able to laugh.

I'm sure some people would hear all that and think, "Oh that poor girl - she spent a weekend alone, getting stood up and napping with her cat! And a few people bothered her...I guess there's always something."

When the truth is, there really is always something - to be thankful for.

Back-up plan

When I was 13-15, the thing to do for me and my friends was go to the mall. We were the epitomy of "mall rats," walking around aimlessly for hours, with "no shopping agenda."

Most of the time, we bummed rides off our parents, but occasionally, we had to take the bus. Usually, I opted out of these trips because even back then, I was too much of a snob for public transportation (my friends were much better people than I).

One particular Saturday, I cancelled plans with my dad to go shopping for new school clothes (a high holy event for me), so that I could go to the mall with my friends. Then, they cancelled on me. Well - more like they went without me and called me from the mall to say they'd taken the bus.

Anyway...

I remember going to my dad and asking if his offer to shop was still good. He said no - I'd cancelled plans, and that was that. He didn't have anything else going on, and he wasn't upset - he was teaching me a lesson in how to treat people. I'd made him my back-up plan, and this was the consequence.

Ever since, I've conciously tried to avoid treating my friends (and especially my dad) like a back-up plan. I know I have slipped up, but I've never forgotten the lesson.

Kindness is not the same as weakness. My dad wasn't angry, and our relationship didn't change because of my one-time actions. But he kindly let me know that taking people for granted was not acceptable, and that a strong person will only put up with it so much.

We've all done it. Something new and exciting comes into our life, and we give it all of our energy and attention. Something else in our life has to go on the back-burner. Usually, it's a relationship that we feel is strong enough to survive a few tests, or will manage without any attention for a while.

But even the strongest relationship will eventually suffer if it's ignored long enough. It doesn't make anyone a bad friend or person; there's simply a limit to how long anyone can handle being treated like he just doesn't matter.

At some point, you have to say to yourself, I know my friend is kind enough to let this go on for a while. But is he weak enough to let it go on forever?

Friends and siblings

I missed National Siblings Day (April 10, 2013). Probably because I don't have any siblings, so no one was tagging me in Facebook posts.

When I was little, I always wanted a sibling. I envied my friends who had cool older sisters to learn from, or older brothers to look out for them. Then there were the lucky ones with younger siblings who they could boss around looked up to them.

Then I met a family with six girls. Now - I love them dearly (we're cousins by marriage - er, sort of). But hanging out with that many siblings, who were all sharing rooms and closets and clothes, made me realize something:

I like freakin' love being an only child.

I didn't have to share a closet, or a budget when it came time to buy school clothes. There was no shortage of peace and quiet, because I didn't have to share a bedroom. I could watch what I wanted on TV, and no one was around to tie up the telephone (back then there was only one per household - the horror!). Everything I had was just mine. I didn't have to pick up after anyone else, and there wasn't anyone around to get me into trouble.

That probably sounds lonely to some - and I suppose it was, sometimes. When I was a teenager, especially. That's an awkward time anyway, and not easy to go through on your own. My situation was unique in other ways, too. I was home alone a lot, and most of my friends didn't live close by.

As an adult, I have observed siblings argue over a host of issues (money, property, parenting, etc.). I don't envy those arguments, and have repeatedly thanked my dad that I am still an only child.

I do envy the close relationship siblings enjoy. They have a bond that is (literally) unbreakable. No one in the world understands you like someone who grew up in the same home, with the same parents, and shares the same history and memories.

When I say friends are the family I choose, I'm absolutely serious. For an only child, that bond is formed in a different way. We don't share memories or history, so it isn't a pre-requisite for someone to be our family. Our view is more open; family can be anyone. A person doesn't need to penetrate an unbreakable bond in order to be our "sibling."

When a friend says I'm "like a sister" I know she means she loves me. But if she has siblings (especially sisters), I take the statement with a grain of salt. The truth is, the bond she feels with her sister(s) is something I could never hope to share. We don't share a history, and we don't share memories. I may be a good friend, but friendship can still change, and fail, and even end. That bond isn't as solid as the bond siblings share - even if they don't always get along.

Siblings can yell and scream and fight. They can call each other names. They can talk behind each other's backs. They can even lie to, and betray, one another. At the end of the day - a sibling bond will still be intact. They might be angry - but they'll always be siblings.

Friends are not the same. If we betray trust, or fight, or call someone the wrong name - they'll walk away, without even thinking twice. We may have a bond - but it's far from unbreakable.

A sibling bond is constant and forever - even if one or both people don't want it. It's something that can't be broken, and something that an only child will never really share.

Goodbye, dear friend

Last week, I said goodbye to a dear friend. I've known her since she was born, almost 16 years ago.

I held her when she was a baby, and I held her the day she passed away.

In between, she stood by me as we moved from one apartment to another and another - and finally to a house, her last home. There was that one time she tried to hide in the cupboard, but she came out when I asked.

She knew me when I got married...and she knew me when X left. She watched him leave, and has greeted him at the door countless times since, when he would come to visit. She only ever tried to poop on him or scratch him when he was trying to wash her or trim her nails. There was the time he gave her a cold, but I think she forgave him for that long ago.

When I was sad, she would sit in my lap. When I was sick, she would lick my hand. When I messed up, she still loved me. Even that time I put the Santa hat on her, and she got it caught on her head. She stood still so I could take a photo (I helped her right after, I swear).

People think when you have a cat, you're a pet owner. I don't consider myself an owner, mostly because I don't consider my pets possessions. I own a pair of shoes - pets are my family. They're four-legged, furry kids who depend on me for food, shelter, water, and care. They look to me for guidance, love, safety and strength.

How do they repay? With unconditional love and friendship - something no person I've ever met can give.

Goodbye, dear friend. You will always be loved, and you will always be missed. I promise your ashes will always sit under the Christmas tree.

Found it here

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Friday five and a fill-in

I want to tell you about Pudge, but I'm not quite ready yet. So in the meantime, a few good things...

I enjoy this blog by Kateri Von Steal. My work browser is a jerk and won't ever let me post comments, so I rarely get to react to what she writes - but you should check it out.

I don't think I say thank you enough to Baking Suit. She's a wonderful friend, sushi date, and shopping partner. Actually, she just makes my life better, period.

Today is my cousin Joey's birthday. For three years, he's been bringing giggles and sunshine into my life. I love him more than I can say. He, his mom and his older brother mean the world to me, and embody what I've come to think of as family.

Amazingly enough, my family was able to make Easter plans with very little drama or confusion. Though I still don't know what time dinner is, at least I know where I'm eating - and that I don't have to (attempt to) cook.

Though it was recently pointed out to me that working for a large corporation is "Satanic" - doing so allows me the ability to volunteer time and money, pursue other endeavors, and buy shoes. It also keeps me from living on the street, or having to rely on anyone else for a place to live or pay my bills. To me, that's a fair trade-off.

And a little fill-in fun...

1. The wind blew wildly and the ocean crashed.
2. Derek and Shemar make me feel warm and happy all over.
3. The smell of coconut makes me think of the beach.
4. When I am feeling lazy I give in.
5. Brilliant purple is my favorite color.
6. The door creaked and a cat came in.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I am looking forward to the gym, tomorrow my plans include a flower show and church, and Sunday I want to give my cousin a happy birthday kiss and eat cake. 

Change what you want

Being happy is a choice.

I always thought that was nonsense. I always figured there was a reason I wasn't happy. I didn't have the right job, or enough money. I didn't have the house I wanted, or hadn't reached my goal-weight. If I could just get to that place/weight/salary/whatever, I could finally be happy.

It took a long fall and a hard landing at rock bottom to learn that isn't how happy works.

Happiness isn't defined by my jean size, my address, or my bank account. I define my happiness. That's a good news, bad news sorta thing. Sure, it's great that the choice is mine. But it also means that if I'm not happy, it's up to me to admit why.

Sometimes, the life we wanted - and planned for - isn't available. Even if we followed all the rules, stuck to the plan, kept to the schedule, life can still throw a curve-ball. We may have to face the fact that what we envisioned can't ever happen. The unfortunate reality is that not everything, or everyone, is within our control.

Source

But how do you fix what you don't control? You may not control the circumstances - but you can control how you react. So if you're sure what you want is outside your reach, you need to find a new way to be happy.

You need to change what you want.

That's a hard pill to swallow, especially if you're a stubborn planner who believes she can fix anything. It's actually easier to blame the outside stuff - your jean size or your bank account or your job title. Those are things you can change - and it's much easier to think your happiness is connected to something you control.

It's frightening, that we don't control our own destiny; that we can't force the round peg into the square hole and make it fit the way we want. It's frustrating and depressing and very scary.

You would think that finally accepting certain things are outside of our control would be the scariest thing any of us would have to face. No wonder so many never want to admit that there is anything we can't fix, including the life we wanted.

I have found one thing scarier. Reaching those outside goals, checking them off your list one-by-one, all the while realizing you're not any close to the happiness you thought you'd find.

It's been a while

I haven't been around in a while. Truth be told I was going through some stuff...and work was busy...and then I found West Wing on netflix and the whole thing fell apart.

(For Christmas, X bought me a blu-ray player that streams netflix, among other things. Genius.)

Also, I've been hoping I'd be able to move this little corner of the internet over to the Times Union's corner, so though I was working on some posts, I kinda wanted to save them in case that came to fruition. It hasn't (yet, anyway). I'm sure when/if it does, I'll have something to say.

I was going to do the NaBloPoMo February prompts to get myself back in the groove - but the theme is love and sex, which I don't talk about too much (here, anyway). Maybe I'll do March over here - but in the meantime...


found it here


...back to why I've been gone.

December and (much of) January were not easy. Did you ever have someone in your life who dragged you down? But you really like this person, so you were determined to keep him in your life because darn it, you can make anything work? Who you don't want to walk out on because he needs you, and you don't want to be the bad friend who wasn't there to help?

That was my December and January.

It took a lot of soul-searching and crying and guilt (stupid Catholic upbringing) but I finally figured out that it was OK for me to look out for myself. I remembered that it is perfectly acceptable to protect my own happiness and my own self-esteem (and frankly, my own safety), and doing so does not make me a bad person or friend. I reminded myself that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong reasons.

So I drew a line in the sand a couple of weeks ago and said no more. No more tears, no more heartbreak, no more putting my life on hold waiting for something that was never going to happen.

I realized what I really want is better - and better is what I really deserve.

Material girl

I'll admit it - I like stuff. If you know me well enough to have ever been in my house, that is not a surprise. I have a crap-ton of stuff - decorations, furniture, clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry... The list goes on and on - and on.

I suppose some people think that makes me materialistic. Well, I don't suppose - I know some people see me that way. Which is perfectly fine - stuff makes me happy, and I'm not ashamed. I guess the only thing I don't like is the implication that somehow makes me a bad person.

Dictonary.com defines Materialistic as:

Excessively concerned with physical comforts or the acquisition of material things, rather than spiritual, intellectual, moral, or cultural values.

See, what I object to is the idea that you have to choose between wanting nice things, and being a good person. Am I "excessively concerned" with my jewelry collection? Some might say so. But it's not like I'd sell a person into human trafficking to support my Stella & Dot habit. If I had to choose between making a donation to a worthy cause or shopping at Sephora - I'd probably alternate back and forth. Sort of a one for you, one for me kinda thing.

I may like "stuff" but I am very aware that it is not the most important thing in the world. I take good care of my shoes and clothes because I love them. But if I woke to find my house on fire, I'd grab my cats and get out of there - because in the end, I know stuff can always be replaced.

Without a doubt, volunteering is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I maintain healthy relationships with friends; I don't lie, I give advice or help where it's needed, and I'm polite. I go to church, where I'm reminded about what really matters. I read and keep up on what is going on in the world, which makes me very aware how lucky I am to be in a position to offer help to others, rather than needing to ask for help myself.

I know it's important to keep my spiritual, moral, cultural, and intellectual values in check. I know it's important to do what I can to make the world a better place. No one can fix everything, but we can all fix something.

I just don't see any reason why I can't be wearing cute shoes and earrings while I'm doing my share of the fixing.

NaBloPoMo - Hardest thing to say

I'm usually not at a loss for words. Occasionally, I'll be caught off-guard. Like, if someone makes an especially nasty comment to my face, I might not have a snappy comeback right away, because I'm so shocked at the nastiness. Of course, I can usually come up with one later - a friend used to call that "delayed intelligence."

Mostly, though, I say whatever is on my mind - but with enough of an edit-chip so as not to be that nasty person. Mostly.

But even the most out-spoken and upfront person can have trouble saying some things. For me, the word that is toughest to say is, "No."

Even this isn't absolute, though. For example, I'm pretty good at telling my family no - no, I'm not available for dinner that night; no I don't want to come to that party; no, I won't be contributing to that gift. I am nice about it, but firm, and they understand. I was nervous the first time I said "no," but it got much easier after I realized they would still love me.

I'm also pretty good at saying no at work - no, I can't work late; no, I definitely can't come in early; no, I'm not going to do your job for you. At work, they need me more than I need them - and everyone knows this. Saying no is not as big a challenge as it once was.

I don't want it to sound like all I say is no. I actually say yes quite often, because I truly don't mind helping out, or putting in extra effort, or going out of my way for those I care about. I'm just saying in these cases, I could say no if I wanted.

So when can't I say no? Relationships.

I'm not saying I just roll over and let others treat me like a doormat. I certainly don't say yes to every invitation, or requests for money or favors. But I say yes more often than I might like, because I'm all about putting the feelings and needs of others before my own.

Truth be told, I don't think saying no is as difficult for me as it is to simply stick up for myself. So, I might not exactly say "no" to someone - but I don't always stick up for myself, or tell people my feelings are hurt, or just flat-out get up and walk away when I should.

It's something I am working on - a good balance of sticking up for myself, and still being a kind-hearted, compassionate, considerate friend. I wouldn't ever want to say no and compromise who I truly want to be.

NaBloPoMo - Tears of sadness

I cry a lot. Mostly happy tears; occasionally sad. Sometimes, I start out as sad, and then while I'm working through it, something positive happens, and I cry happy tears.

I'm a very emotional person.

I think the last time I cried, they were sad tears. Sad because I was judged by someone who I respect. The words, while intended as good advice, were harsh and stung of criticism.

A smart person once told me that "unsolicited advice is crticism." That's very true. When you offer someone advice that they didn't request, what you're basically saying is that you identified a need for them to improve. You found something they did wrong, and you're trying to correct them.

That's criticism. Even if you don't intend it that way, that is how it will be received.

I try very, very hard not to offer advice unless I'm asked. You can bet that I always have an opinion. If we've talked about it, I have definitely thought about it, processed it, and come up with what I think is the right answer.

Will I share that answer?

Not unless I'm asked.

Why? Because when I give advice, it comes from a place of genuine concern. I know I'm not better than anyone else. Even if I'm in a better place at the time - I was once right where that person is, and probably will be again. I am in no position to criticize.

But I might have good advice. I might be able to help. If I'm going to offer, that's how I want it be received.

I certainly don't want to make anyone cry.