Singleness

This just in: I'm single on Valentines Day.

More breaking news: I'll be single after my 40th birthday, too.

What's really surprising? I'm perfectly OK with my singleness.

I rarely talk about dating here - and this post is no different. I'm not talking about dating, or even how I handle not dating.

I'm here to talk about how much it seems to bother other people that I'm single.

I really am OK with all the links to articles about how to be single when I'm 40, or what people have learned being single in their 30s, or how to handle V-Day solo. My personal favorite was this one (Joe wasn't impressed, though - typical guy).

I'm OK when friends ask what is new, and I try to talk to them about Stella & Dot, or Big Brothers Big Sisters, or selling my house - or anything. I'm thankful some listen, and it's really OK that some don't. It's even OK when some immediately ask, "Are you seeing anyone?" As if every other accomplishment pales in comparison to the lack of romantic love in my life.

"What's that? You cured cancer?! Great. Were you able to find a date for that wedding? No? Well, don't worry - you'll find him when you least expect it. Maybe you should just focus on yourself for a while..."

Anyone else find it ridiculous that someone would offer "focus on yourself" as advice to someone who obviously already is?

The condescending smiles and encouragement are fine. Welcome actually.

They don't make me sad. They don't make me angry. I don't feel inferior, or inspired to marry the next guy who comes along.

The advice makes me smile. I remember (fondly) the times in my life when I was in a healthy, happy, committed relationship. I know how good that can feel - and what a blessing it is to find someone you love, who loves you back.

I'm happy for my friends who I know are happy - and who I know want the same for me.

But of course - not all the advice comes from those in happy, healthy relationships. Not all of it is about me being happy. Sometimes it's about the advisor trying to make himself feel better by making me feel bad.

Then I'm grateful. I understand how precious love is, and how easily it's lost. I know that no matter how much of an "expert" you think you are, you're never more than one big misunderstanding away from being single next Valentines Day.

So, to my friends who truly want me to be happy - Happy Valentines Day. Thanks for showing me what love is really all about.

To the others....maybe you should just focus on yourselves for a while.

Save a little

I fell over my own personal fiscal cliff last week when my paycheck was deposited into my bank account, and I found out how much more of my money the government will be keeping this year.

Sigh.

But...I still like this idea that's being passed around on Facebook. I'm in - I moved my $1 from checking to savings last week (for week one) and will keep it up throughout 2013.

Marital advice...from me?

Baking Suit and Frank got married had a picnic with a judge this weekend. Master of Ceremonies GenWar (I definitely recommend you click that link, but maybe you don't click it at work) asked several of us if we would like to participate in the "drunk toast." As he explains, when people have a celebration of any sort, he feels that at least one friend should rise to the challenge of delivering a toast to the happy occasion in a less-than-sober state.

"I don't drink," I protested.

"That's fine. I'll take care of the drunk part," he responded.

Uneasy about the idea, I asked, "What would I say?"

His response? "Well I don't know, but at your birthday party I got to hang out with your ex-husband while he cooked, so I'm assuming you must be doing something right."

After a moment of reflection, I thought, "Somehow, I don't think this is the place or time to offer advice on how to remain friends with an ex spouse."

This exchange lasted for a few minutes, culminating with GenWar stealing my sparkly purple sunglasses and leaving me with his straw hat. I totally chickened out on the speech, because giving happy marital advice to a newly, happily un-married couple at their non-wedding wasn't something I felt I could do on the fly.

But, having had a pretty successful marriage for 9 years (we were married for 10, but that last year really wasn't very good), and having remained friends with said ex-spouse, I figure GenWar might be right (don't tell him I said that). I might have something of value to offer. So, having had a couple days to think it over, this is what I've come up with:

- Stay true to yourselves. Yes, you will both grow and change, and that's OK. Life would be boring if we always stayed the same. You fell in love with each other for who you really are. Stay true to those feelings, and true to who you are - the rest will always work itself out.

Source

- Don't sweat the small stuff. Most of it is small. You're both ridiculously smart, so you'll know the big stuff when it comes. Tackle it head-on, as a team, and you'll be fine.

- Focus on each other. Yeah - family, friends, work, obligations...they're all important. Don't give them up. But at the end of the day, you and you are what matters most. Don't let anyone or anything come between you.

- Be honest. If you're doing something you feel you need to hide from the other person - you need to stop. Immediately.

- Don't discount each other's stuff. No matter how insignificant the other's collection may seem, if it's important to one of you, it should be important to both of you. The same goes for feelings.

- Don't give up what matters to you outside the marriage. Yes, I know, this is a little contrary to the point about focusing on each other, but it's a big part of staying true to yourselves. It's a balancing act. You'll screw it up once or twice, but keep trying and you'll get it right.

- Don't share a bathroom. Trust me - nothing good can come from this.

- Never forget to remember how much better your lives are because they've come together.

When all else fails - find separate corners until you can play nice.

Go with the flow

I'm trying to get healthy and fit. A couple weeks ago, I asked for some suggestions on healthy snacks that I could eat to cure my hunger, while still avoiding empty calories. My twitter friends came through in a major way.

Eating better is something I'm starting to think I can do. I know there will be days that I won't eat right. But I know I can pick it back up the next day. I still have a ways to go - vegetables still elude me - but I'm getting better at eating well, and saving a ton of money in the process (more shoes!).

My next challenge is to get myself motivated for the gym. I mean - I've been going a few times a week, but that's not getting me the results I want. I need to be motivated to go more often. When I get home from work, I'm often too drained from my day. Or I'm busy right after work, and too tired by the time I'm finally done for the day. Getting up in the morning is a challenge for me - because I'm not a morning person.

I realized a while ago that part of the problem is my day job. It isn't something I really love (or even like) all that much - so starting my day is tough. So, I think I need to refocus in the morning; I need to stop thinking of it as a start to a work day, and start thinking of it as a start to my day...which will include work.

That's probably the main obstacle in all fitness and health goals, don't you think? All goals, really, depend on motivation and focus. We're so driven to a certain goal, or a certain way of doing things that we give up easily when it doesn't happen right away, or work out exactly as we expected.

I guess the trick to success in anything is to be willing to shift your perspective, and learn how to go with the flow.

Bottom line about underwear

A while back, I was asked to write about my opinion on women wearing "sexy" underwear - just for themselves.

Why not, right?

My take, which may come as no surprise to anyone, is that anything a woman does to make herself feel sexy or beautiful should always be done for herself. Yes, if you're in a relationship and someone is going to see (and admire) your undies, it's fabulous if he'll like them, too. (Though, the results of an embarrassingly unscientific pole poll [Thanks, John!] show that most men don't really care; they're more interested in what the material is covering.) 


"So if the guy doesn't care - why bother?"
"But if there is no guy to impress - why go to the trouble?"

...Are the questions most women normally ask.

My answer? Self-esteem begins and ends with you doing things for you. If it makes you feel good to wear lacy underwear and a matching bra - do it. If wearing a thong makes you feel more sexy - go for it.

The thing is - the more sexy and beautiful you feel, the more confident you'll be. The more confident you are, the more comfortable and at ease you'll be. If your goal is to find a guy to admire that lacy thong, this is the first step. What guy wouldn't want to be around a confident, comfortable woman?

Only one that isn't worth your time in the first place.

Follow Friday Fun: Hungry Girl

Yesterday, I asked for some tips on healthy snacks. A friend told me about Fiber One cereal. My friend is very smart, so I bought a box of the honey clusters cereal. My friend's brilliance continues to amaze.

Here's something fun - on the back of the box were a few tips for guilt-free snack recipes, featuring (of course) Fiber One cereal. The tips came from the website hungry-girl.com - and they were good. A couple of highlights:

• Top off your yogurt, light ice cream or cottage cheese with your favorite cereal flavor
• Faux-fry - ground up cereal (original), mix with your favorite spices and use as a coating for lean pork or chicken. Bake or prepare in a skillet for fried flavor - without the fat!
• Mix equal parts of original and caramel delight cereals, and crush to make pie crusts 

Intrigued, I decided to visit the site to see what else this hungry girl could teach me. Turns out - a thing or two.

Chew the Right Thing is a blog - all about fabulous ways to make your favorites a little healthier.

Weekly Weigh-In is a blog that includes new recipes and reviews.

Girls Bite Out is a blog all about surviving the weekends - and dining out.

There's more at the site, and you can sign up for their daily email on their home page. They bring you the latest news on health and dieting, and answer questions from readers.

If you're a TV person, Hungry Girl will also have her own Food Network show on a limited run (for now) - Sundays in May (starting 5/8) at 10am/9c.

You can also follow Hungry Girl on twitter and like her on facebook.

Misadventures in Cooking - Asparagus stinks

Note: I've decided to rename this feature Misadventures in Cooking because...er, well, because it's more appropriate where I'm concerned.


For reasons beyond my comprehension, a couple of weeks ago I purchased a can of whole asparagus at the grocery store. When I got it home, I realized - I had no flippin' idea how to cook asparagus?!

So I did what I always do when I need an answer - I turned to twitter. I got advice from many tweeps on how best to prepare this veggie - and only one had the decency to suggest "throwing it away and not eating it." Next time, I'll surely listen to him.

In the meantime, I was following instructions I'd gotten elsewhere, and looking to butter, garlic and a grill to enhance this green vegetable. Don't get me wrong - they were excellent instructions. But of all the recommendations I got - I didn't get one warning about the awful smell. Which made me sad (and slightly nauseous).

Pressing on - in the name of better eating, trying new things, blog content and not wasting food - I proceeded to bury the shoots in melted butter and garlic salt, and plop them on my electric grill. I will admit - the final product didn't taste half bad....

I did not manage to choke down more than a couple of bites.

....but I'd drowned it in so much butter and garlic that I don't think what remained could actually be considered a vegetable. They were also soggy, so even if I got past the smell - I'd never get past that texture.

So what did I do wrong? Was it because the asparagus was canned, and not fresh? Did I use too much butter? Did I not grill long enough, or on a high enough heat?

I'm interested to learn - for learning sake. I won't be trying this dish again any time soon.

Thursday Thirteen - My makeup must-haves

"So now I want Sue to do a blog post with product recommendations because I bet she has great lip gloss and other stuff and is holding out on us."

Can I borrow your lip gloss?

That's what my friend tweeted over the weekend. If you want to see the whole string, you should really follow her on twitter. She's hilarious and smart and beautiful and has wonderful style. At Mel's request, I am happy to share what I've found.

First, let me warn you - I don't always buy cheap makeup. Why? Because I don't believe in throwing good money after bad. If I "save" by purchasing an inferior product - I've wasted money. I'd rather spend more and be happy with my results.

That doesn't mean I always buy the most expensive version, either. After 20+ years of wearing makeup, I've learned where (I think) you should splurge - and where it's okay to save. Here are thirteen of my favorite products and tips.

**********************

Primer:
Tip - I know what you're thinking - what am I doing, painting a room? Building a foundation? Yes, that's exactly what you're doing. Once I started using this stuff, I realized it was an essential part of my makeup routine.

Product - You can spend upwards of $30 on a primer - or you can use a much less expensive version (like this one by Revlon) that will do the same thing. I've used both, and in this case, cheaper works just fine. So for about $11 at Target, you can save yourself time and money from reapplying other makeup 2-3 times a day.

Foundation:
Tip - It's the most misunderstood item in your makeup bag. It's not meant to conceal, so don't use anything darker than your skin. You want the same shade as your skin, or lighter - but no more than a shade.

Product - I like "self-adjusting" (one that blends with the actual color of your skin). It's very similar to tinted moisturizer - much lighter texture. The self-adjusting lotion I use is by Revlon, as well. Almay also makes a similar product.

Mascara:

Tip - It's all in the applicator. I've tried expensive (to the tune of $50 for a tube) and got the same results as if I spent $8.

Product - A few months back I found this little gem from L'oreal - a layer of shimmer to apply after your actual mascara. Love it - it's fun, without being too flashy.

Nails: 
Tip - Always give yourself a pedicure if you're wearing open-toed shoes or sandals. Period.

Product - For those times when your pedicure is last-minute, and there's no time to dry your polish, this stuff is awesome.

Hair:
Tip - Don't skimp. There is a difference between discount and salon brands, no matter what the commercials with the French guy tell you.

Product(s) - I like this one to control frizz. It's expensive, but well worth it, and you don't need to use a whole lot, so it will last you a long time. I have a bottle right now that's over a year old.  For texturizing/styling, I like this stuff and this stuff - they give body and style without a "crunchy" hold.

And as requested....

Lips - It's funny that in the dream, I handed Mel lip gloss - because I'm basically addicted to the stuff. I probably have about five lip gloss options on me at any one time. I have a whole drawer full of them in my bathroom, too. I have tubes that cost $25 - and I have those that cost $10.

If I were jumping out of a plane with a friend tomorrow, and she wanted to borrow my lip gloss - I'd be handing her this one from Neutrogena. It applies well, and has some good staying power for a gloss. It's also a natural color, so it doesn't give me that "made up" look.

Adventures in cooking - chicken fettuccine alfredo

For whatever reason, I picked one of those frozen meal-in-a-bag type things last week at the supermarket. I had to have been shopping when I was either very tired, very hungry - or both. Thankfully, when I crawled out of bed, starving, at noon on Saturday, this questionable choice meant there was something to eat in the house.

The meal I chose included four parts: chicken, broccoli and mushrooms, alfredo sauce and fettuccine pasta. The instructions were:

• Thaw pasta in a colander under cold water. Thaw alfredo sauce under warm water. 
• Heat butter or olive oil in a pan, add chicken and vegetables and heat for about 10 minutes. 
• Add pasta, then sauce. Stir until hot, then serve. 

So that's what I did.

See?

It wasn't bad. Now I need advice on how to make alfredo sauce that is easy, and freezes well.

Why? Because I'm sure one of you makes a better sauce, which would improve this meal. I'm also sure it would be cheaper if I went the non-frozen route. Better still, I can add veggies that I really like, instead of always having to go with broccoli (and getting rid of the mushrooms that they included - blech).

So - have at it. How do I make a good alfredo sauce?

Slight chance of showers

A good friend was tweeting about a bridal shower the other day, and I started thinking about all the showers (bridal and baby) that I've attended over the years. She mentioned how great it was to see one of her best friends get so happy, and that made the shower worth the trouble.

Just look at all the gifts smiles.

That's a lovely sentiment; my friend is a lovely lady. My take is slightly different (and, admittedly, skewed by experience and, quite frankly, age). I started thinking about the various circumstances under which we are invited to showers...and when, in my opinion, it feels right to just say no.

First things first - we need to set aside false expectations. My ex used to complain mention that he felt I was invited to showers solely to bring a gift. Well, yeah - that's why everyone is invited to a shower. Yeah, sure, there's a sentimental part to the whole thing - celebrate a milestone, share happiness, blah, blah, blah.... Thing is - if celebrating and sharing was the main goal - you'd just throw a party. Call it a shower - and suddenly the stuff becomes the point.

Once you've accepted this reality, it gets a lot easier to abandon that whole, "But I have to go! She's my best friend's cousin's sister's boyfriend's aunt...I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings!" attitude. You won't - believe me. She does not care to share her happy milestone with you any more than you care to spend your afternoon peering avoiding awkward questions while eating dry cake and cheese and crackers.

The truth is, there are going to be plenty of showers where you really do care about the person celebrating. You want to see her smile, and let her know you're happy for her. The problem is, these events are often so riddled with politics and drama that any actual happy celebrating is kept to a minimum. Drama and politics interrupting my otherwise stress-free Sunday? No, thank you.

I will go to a shower (bridal or baby) if....

- The other guests are people I don't know, who won't be interested in me or why I'm divorced, still single and don't have children.*
- It's a shower my grandmother would have attended and I'm worried about guilt being sent down from the hereafter.
- The venue is a restaurant with excellent food.
- The venue is a home I've been dying to check out in person.
- There will be a chance to observe other people's drama or witness a potential hot-mess-meltdown.
- I've been assured there will be no stupid shower games.
- I know for a fact that the hostess(es) are on their game and won't let the festivities carry on for too long.
- I know that this particular bride-to-be will be happy to see me.

*This is not an issue for someone who is married or engaged, and if so, either has children, is pregnant or is planning to start trying soon. Under these circumstances, a person is basically judgment proof, and therefore in the clear.

Oh dear, something's come up....

I send regrets (and a gift) if...

- The other guests are family or friends who will ask me fun questions like, "Is there any chance you and X will get back together?" or "How on earth do you manage all by yourself?" Pass.
- I get a hint that the guest list is out of control, and therefore present-opening will take all day.
- I know the hostess(es) will plan a lot of cheesy games that will make my eye twitch.
- I dislike the venue, or it's what I consider to be too long a drive.
- I know that this particular bride-to-be couldn't care less if I'm there; and may, in fact, not even recognize me.
- I have something better to do.

Note that there is a very exclusive (read: short) list of people for whom the regrets rules don't apply. I'm lucky enough to have a few people in my life who would do anything for me - and for them, I'd brave even the most uncomfortable afternoon.

For everyone else - the check carefully chosen, beautifully wrapped online-registry gift is in the mail.

What's the rule?

"It's okay to cancel plans with friends if there's a possibility for sex." Joey Tribbiani, Friends (The One with All the Cheesecakes)

Phoebe and Joey have dinner plans; Joey cancels because he has a date. Joey says that's acceptable; the rule is, it's okay to cancel plans with friends for a date. The guys agree with Joey; Monica and Rachel agree with Phoebe. That's a terrible way to treat a friend; that boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but friends are forever.

I'll always be there for you.
Unless there's a possibility for sex...

I admit, I used to be one of those women whose life revolved around my relationships. My life is way different now, and I'm not that person anymore. But I know plenty of people who drop everything - friends, family, work, hobbies - when a new relationship comes around. When I tell them it's a mistake, they ask, "What do you know? Who are you to be giving that advice?"

I tell them, I'm the girl who lost everything and had to start over. See, that's the risk you take when you make someone the center of your life; if they're ever gone, your whole world changes. Starting over is never easy; doing so without any friends or foundation is even harder. Believe me - I've been there.

Most of the time, I don't think people even realize they're being that person. It's natural for things to change when there's a new relationship, so I think most of us just write off those changes as normal. But if your friends are telling you to look out, don't assume they're jealous, or angry or feel abandoned. Take a step back and look at your behavior. They might be right.

Have you ever been in that position? Know anyone who has? What did you do, or tell him/her to do?

Say my name

I got a text from X the other night. His name was recognized by someone while he was out and about - because of me blogging over here. He laughed...and I told him I made him famous!

Anyway, it got me thinking about how, after a couple of years apart, and nearly a full year of being officially divorced, I still haven't changed my name. People often ask if I will, and I'll admit, way-back-when, I was upset enough with X that I was determined to do it as soon as the ink was dry on our divorce papers.

As I became less angry, and we became better friends - it became less urgent. Then I started blogging, which put my name "out there" a little more - and, honestly, my married name is way cooler than my maiden name (sorry, dad). Also, if you've ever changed your name, you know there's a crap-ton of paperwork involved - and I hate paperwork.

I still have no immediate plans to change my name. This works in my favor because I'd like to start carving a name out for myself, professionally (more on that another time). Now, like I said - my married name is way cooler. It's also easier to spell, say and remember - way more marketable. [SN - I really wanted to get married before I graduated college. Even after having been provided a flash card with a diagram and proper phoenetic spelling of my name, it was misprounounced - by a person with a Phd in English, no less.]

Also - X has no family of his own. My family was always his family, and this way, someone shares his name. Which I think is kind of nice - because, he's been a better friend to me (especially in the last few months) than most people ever find. I'm happy and proud to still consider him family, so changing my name is the least of my worries.

Here's the thing....

I would change my name if either of us got remarried. First of all - it would probably be kind of mean to my new husband if I kept my exes last name, and didn't take his. If X got remarried, it seems a bit disrespectful to the new Mrs. X for me to be running around town with her last name.

So - should I anticipate that and change now? Or deal with that bridge full of paperwork if/when the time comes?

Friend or Foe?

So, I talked yesterday about cheapening the meaning of friendship through facebook. How I pretty much add anyone (although, I do have to say, I still prefer to add those with whom I have some relationship, even if it is all electronic.). So, here's the dilemma in reverse:

Once you've added someone, when do you unfriend them (if ever)?

I've unfriended when I never had a real life relationship. Friends of friends, people I met only briefly, etc. Never being real-life friends, I'm sure it didn't matter when we were no longer facebook friends.

But what about real-life friends, who are suddenly not friends anymore? I have two in my facebook list right now that sort of meet this definition. One is a woman with whom I was really good friends a few years ago. We spoke everyday, we exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts, and I attended her wedding. Then, we had a falling out and we haven't spoken in over a year. She was the one who was upset; so should she be the one to unfriend?

The other is a guy who I used to date, and after we dated, we remained good friends. We hung out, he introduced me to new friends who we still have in common, and we used to talk every day. Then he found a girlfriend fiancée. I haven't heard from him - not even a response to my congratulatory email. I know his fiancée doesn't approve of all his female friends. I'm not necessarily angry - just disappointed and missing my friend. Again, the rift is on his end, not mine - so should he do the unfriending?

A few weeks back I heard Peter Shankman talk about social media. One thing he said that stuck with me is that social media is just life - and your network is the people who are a part of your world. Some people are more relevant in your life than others - and their relevance can change, and then easily change back again.

I tend to agree with him. With this in mind, it seems like no one should unfriend anyone. I mean - just because we aren't relevant in each other's lives right now doesn't mean we weren't once, and might not be again someday.

Thoughts?