Fat is not the problem

Plus-size, fat, voluptuous... whatever you call us, curvy girls are getting a lot of publicity lately. From magazine covers, to articles, to a seemingly-harmless post on a friend's Facebook, everyone is talking about fat chicks. Not only the women, but what is OK - and not OK - to say about them.

I've spent a lot of time carefully curating the people with whom I surround myself (both online and in real life) so I don't see a lot of negativity (unless I go searching, and I only do that when I'm in a really good mood so I can handle what I find). What I do see (and hear) are a lot of well-intentioned comments that fall just short of their mark.

There are the obvious insults. Any time a heavy woman posts a photo of herself, the trolls come out in droves. You know, these guys who hide behind the keyboard in their parents' basement, but feel they are in a position to judge another person.

But to me, those aren't even the worst comments. Sure, being called names is hurtful - but most of us have been called names all our lives. Personally, if I hadn't learned how to handle that kind of insult, I wouldn't have survived past grade school.

It's the well-intentioned, but slightly-off-mark, comments that are tough.

Comments like, "She's fat - but she's still really pretty," or "She's so brave for wearing that (whatever item) with such confidence." Then there's my personal favorite, "That outfit is so flattering."

Obviously these all sound like compliments. They're meant in a genuine way, and people honestly mean to convey a good, positive message. They never intended to fat-shame - but do they? 

If your comment suggests that it's a surprise for a fat woman to be beautiful or confident - that's fat-shaming. If it suggests that an outfit would look good on a thin woman, but a fat woman has to settle for not looking awful - that's fat-shaming. If you feel the need to excuse or explain or defend a person's fatness, you're suggesting there's something wrong with her - and that's fat-shaming.

Use whatever fancy, pretty word you like; the truth is, I'm fat. I'm also brunette, short, 42, white, hazel-eyed, and have a medium complexion. All of those things make up how I look - and all of them could be appealing, or not, to anyone who I encounter. So why is my weight the only thing that makes me "brave?" Or makes people question my confidence? Why is it the one thing that everyone feels the need to excuse?

That's the real problem. We are all conditioned to think that "fat" is an insult, rather than just another adjective used to describe someone. We, as a culture, have come to believe that fat is some sort of obstacle that people (particularly women) have to overcome. We look at a person who is overweight and assume they are unhappy, unhealthy, and struggling - in life, in relationships, in everything.

We believe this so whole-heartedly, without even realizing it, that we actually get offended when one person calls another person fat. Someone calls me fat, my friends jump to my defense. But if that same person called me short, it would be OK. Why? 

My friends believe that "fat" is a problem, and "short" isn't. My friends believe that with just that one word, someone has labeled me as the worst thing anyone can be. That's why they feel the need to defend and excuse my "fatness" (that's auto-corrected twice now, so apparently, it's an actual word). How dare someone say such a horrible thing about their friend?

But defending and excusing and explaining only reinforces the idea that "fat" is a problem.

That's the problem. Not the word fat - but what we've all been taught, and continue to teach, is its true meaning.

Is thin privilege a thing?

I've been wanting to write about this for a while, but could never find the right words. A few weeks ago I stumbled upon this post about "thin privilege" that seems to hit the proverbial nail right on the head.

For anyone who doesn't know me, I'm definitely a plus-size woman. Call it curvy, BBW, big, fat, thick... whatever. I'm not thin. I struggled with my weight for years. I was taught that I would never be pretty or worthy of love unless I was thin. People (who supposedly cared about me) went out of their way to make me feel bad about how I looked to motivate me into losing weight so I'd finally be good enough. The irony, of course, was that the worse I felt, the less I cared about losing weight. (Something to consider if you think fat-shaming is an effective motivational tool.)

Then, a few years ago, I came to this realization that, while losing weight might be good for my health, that was no reason for me to see myself as inferior to my thin friends. I am just as "worthy" of love as my skinny peers, and I made a decision that I was done feeling like anything less.

But I don't subscribe to the idea that being confident in myself requires me to tear down my size-zero-sisters. Every woman, no matter her size, shape, height, color, etc, should feel beautiful.

Still, I remember the first time I heard a thin woman take exception to a "body-positive" message, I was confused. Didn't they understand that "real women have curves" isn't intended as an insult towards them, but as empowerment towards plus-size women? Don't they realize that we need that empowerment because we're all trying to overcome a feeling of being something less?

It occurs to me that maybe they don't. If a woman has always been thin, she has no idea what it's like to have been made fun of in school, or turned down for dates, or unable to buy clothes that fit. She has no concept of how it feels to be discriminated against because of her size. Phrases like "skinny bitch,"  or "eat a sandwich," might sound harsh, but they are actually used to express envy. "Thunder thighs," and "beached whale," on the other hand, are absolute insults. People are generally not envious of bigger women.

No one questions why a woman is thin. If someone is too thin, people immediately (and genuinely) worry about her health. Overweight women are labeled as lazy and gross and shoved to the side. Ever notice how plus-size clothing is shoved into a corner, in the back of the department? That's not a coincidence. Fat is something we're taught to equate with shame. Being thin should make you proud.

I'll never think body-shaming in any form is OK. No one should be made to feel bad about herself. But if you're wondering how there could possibly be such a thing as "thin privilege," there it is. It's found in not having to excuse your appearance, or find "flattering" outfits (since you're already beautiful). It's not having to worry that your blind date will get up and leave when he sees you, or worrying that you can fit into the bridesmaid dress your friend chooses.

The privilege is in always knowing that you were good enough, and not needing empowerment in the first place.

Beautiful

Most women don't think they're enough. Not pretty enough, thin enough, tall enough, smart enough, rich enough.... Whatever it is - in our heads, we're not enough.

We're even taught that if someone tells us we are {insert compliment}, we should deny the idea. "Oh, please - look at my butt/abs/thighs/hair/etc." How can we ever have a healthy self-esteem if we're tearing ourselves down, even when others try to build us up?

It has taken me a long time (plus a lot of tears, and a little counseling) to learn that I really am enough. I'll never be thin, and the tall ship sailed about 30 years ago. I definitely look better some days more than others, but I know that I have plenty more to offer - and it makes me more than enough.

This morning I ran across this post about changing women's inner voice, the one that tells us we're not enough. It got me thinking - what if we all started telling each other how we really see one another? How much better would the world be if every woman saw her own value? Knew her own worth?

The thing is - we women have to listen. It won't do any good to hear positive words if we shoot them down.

If you know a beautiful woman, tell her. Tell her why she's beautiful. Tell her how she makes you feel; tell her why she's valuable.

Ladies, if someone tells you you're beautiful - listen. Don't dismiss the idea. Really hear that person tell you why you're beautiful, and say thank you. Believe them - because they're right.

That would make the world a much more beautiful place.

Women first

I came across this post about women who have husbands and kids (found it here, actually).

For anyone who doesn't know, I'm divorced with no kids. I don't ever plan on having kids. It's not because I can't. It's not because I don't like kids. It's not even because of my career ambitions.

I've chosen not to have children because I think I'd make a lousy mom. I'm too selfish and impatient and immature to put another person's needs above my own for, like, the rest of my life.

People have often disagreed. I've heard, "You'd feel differently if you had a baby," dozens - maybe hundreds - of times.

I appreciate the vote of confidence. But I think that little experiment could be pretty risky. What if I have a child, and then it turns out I was right? Now some poor kid is saddled with the worst mom ever, all because someone thought I should be a mom?

Not acceptable. So instead, I have a cat. We're quite happy.

But just because I've chosen not to have kids doesn't mean I think it's OK to judge or degrade women who chose to be moms. The author of that post said:

We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world.

Is she nuts? I'll agree that finding someone to marry isn't that tough a task. Certainly, getting pregnant is no terrific accomplishment (in many cases, though I do know women who struggled to have children).

But we don't celebrate a woman having a wedding, or a baby. We celebrate a woman becoming a wife or a mother. A woman devoting her life to one person. A woman agreeing to put someone else's best interests ahead of her own. A woman vowing to love someone else until she dies - no matter what stupid crap he pulls. A woman taking on the monumental task of molding and shaping a child into, like, a whole person. Remembering to feed him everyday, and everything.

Those are not easy or common. At all.

Now - I'll admit plenty of celebrated marriages end in divorce [waves] and plenty of lousy moms get a shower. The point is, we're celebrating the intent, even if actual results may vary.

If someone does actually manage to be a good mom - she totally earned that party. If someone manages to stay married to the same guy for decades, without killing (or at least maming) him... the very least she deserves is some new dishes.

The writer goes on to say:

You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.

OK - that's just rude, in addition to being totally wrong. Some of the strongest women I know are moms (or soon will be). They are beautiful, exceptional, vital women who contribute more in most days than I bet this author could dare dream in a year.

I also know women without kids who just skate by. They offer very little of value, and accomplish nothing exceptional.

Of course, this goes both ways. Many times us non-moms are judged because of our choice. We're told we can't possibly understand, we don't know what "real" busy is, or we're all selfish people who hate kids and do nothing for anyone else.

My personal favorite is that my life must be "empty" without kids or a husband.

So - as it turns out, all moms aren't "common" and all non-moms aren't exceptional. Wives can be judgy and selfish, and non-wives can be caring and altruistic. So how are we supposed to tell anyone apart?!

Stop generalizing. Stop assigning women to types based on their choices or circumstances.

Start respecting differences. Start learning from others' experiences.

Most of all, stop tearing each other down. It does nothing to help us as women - and we're all women first.

Change what you want

Being happy is a choice.

I always thought that was nonsense. I always figured there was a reason I wasn't happy. I didn't have the right job, or enough money. I didn't have the house I wanted, or hadn't reached my goal-weight. If I could just get to that place/weight/salary/whatever, I could finally be happy.

It took a long fall and a hard landing at rock bottom to learn that isn't how happy works.

Happiness isn't defined by my jean size, my address, or my bank account. I define my happiness. That's a good news, bad news sorta thing. Sure, it's great that the choice is mine. But it also means that if I'm not happy, it's up to me to admit why.

Sometimes, the life we wanted - and planned for - isn't available. Even if we followed all the rules, stuck to the plan, kept to the schedule, life can still throw a curve-ball. We may have to face the fact that what we envisioned can't ever happen. The unfortunate reality is that not everything, or everyone, is within our control.

Source

But how do you fix what you don't control? You may not control the circumstances - but you can control how you react. So if you're sure what you want is outside your reach, you need to find a new way to be happy.

You need to change what you want.

That's a hard pill to swallow, especially if you're a stubborn planner who believes she can fix anything. It's actually easier to blame the outside stuff - your jean size or your bank account or your job title. Those are things you can change - and it's much easier to think your happiness is connected to something you control.

It's frightening, that we don't control our own destiny; that we can't force the round peg into the square hole and make it fit the way we want. It's frustrating and depressing and very scary.

You would think that finally accepting certain things are outside of our control would be the scariest thing any of us would have to face. No wonder so many never want to admit that there is anything we can't fix, including the life we wanted.

I have found one thing scarier. Reaching those outside goals, checking them off your list one-by-one, all the while realizing you're not any close to the happiness you thought you'd find.

I give up

Today is the first date of Lent. That's a Catholic thing; I think it's also observed in other Christian denominations, but I'm not sure which.

I consider myself a Christian, but I haven't heard Lent mentioned at my church. When I was Catholic, I always forgot to give something up. If asked by one of the nuns, or my Grandmother, I scrambled and always came up with an answer like ice cream.

But a life without ice cream is like darkness and chaos, and I'm sure no God to whom I pray would ever want me to live that way.

So, this year, I've decided to give up the following:

• Procrastination
• Too much TV
• Avoiding the gym
• Too much junk food
• Paying attention to unkind words of others
• Rejection (in other words, I'm giving up caring when others reject me)
• Being too hard on myself
• Being too hard on others

Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone gave up judgment, lying, feeling bad and (nonconstructive) criticism for forty whole days?

Name the problem

I struggle with low self-esteem. I've actually struggle with it less as an adult than I did as a kid, but it still creeps in to my life here and there.

Around Christmas, our Pastor did a series at church called It's a Wonderful Life. His messages are usually quite powerful, and give me a lot of comfort. Two services in this series were about recognizing the bad spirits in your life, identifying them - and getting rid of them.

We've all heard "the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one." It's not enough just to say there is a problem, though - you have to give it a name. That's how you take away its power and figure out how to deal with it.

[Sort of like Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter series - not saying the evil wizard's name bred fear, which gave him tremendous power. Saying his name out loud was how good wizards fought him.]

When something has control over your life, you are going to make mistakes and miss opportunities. If you believe in God, and His plan for your life, you believe this is because you're giving control to someone or something other than God. Even if you don't believe in a higher power or plan of any sort, you still have to admit that if you're letting someone else steer the ship, then you're not living up to your potential or plan. Just because you're not in charge.

So what do you do? Name the problem. Whether you do it on your own, or through prayer, or counseling, or talking to your friends until they don't want to hear it anymore - identify the issue, give it a name, and figure out how to give it the boot.

Why did you make that bad choice, or let that thing happen, or say yes (or no) when you should have done the opposite? You know you knew better - so what was the problem? Once you can answer that question, you are on your way towards setting things right.

It's been a while

I haven't been around in a while. Truth be told I was going through some stuff...and work was busy...and then I found West Wing on netflix and the whole thing fell apart.

(For Christmas, X bought me a blu-ray player that streams netflix, among other things. Genius.)

Also, I've been hoping I'd be able to move this little corner of the internet over to the Times Union's corner, so though I was working on some posts, I kinda wanted to save them in case that came to fruition. It hasn't (yet, anyway). I'm sure when/if it does, I'll have something to say.

I was going to do the NaBloPoMo February prompts to get myself back in the groove - but the theme is love and sex, which I don't talk about too much (here, anyway). Maybe I'll do March over here - but in the meantime...


found it here


...back to why I've been gone.

December and (much of) January were not easy. Did you ever have someone in your life who dragged you down? But you really like this person, so you were determined to keep him in your life because darn it, you can make anything work? Who you don't want to walk out on because he needs you, and you don't want to be the bad friend who wasn't there to help?

That was my December and January.

It took a lot of soul-searching and crying and guilt (stupid Catholic upbringing) but I finally figured out that it was OK for me to look out for myself. I remembered that it is perfectly acceptable to protect my own happiness and my own self-esteem (and frankly, my own safety), and doing so does not make me a bad person or friend. I reminded myself that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong reasons.

So I drew a line in the sand a couple of weeks ago and said no more. No more tears, no more heartbreak, no more putting my life on hold waiting for something that was never going to happen.

I realized what I really want is better - and better is what I really deserve.

On my heart

I am not making resolutions this year - but I am writing a few things on my heart.

Found it here.

- I will not let the problems of others bring me down
- I will thank God each day for all that I have
- I will remember to tell my friends how important they are, and how much I love them
- I will approach each day as though it will be the best day of the year - because it just may be
- I will surround myself only with people who add to my happiness
- I will learn to value myself the way others value me

I see some changes in how I approach my work, relationships, health, and finances in 2013. I know what I need to do, and I plan to do so. If I set a schedule, I know I'll probably fall behind; if I make specific promises, I know I'll probably fall slightly short.

I figure if I approach it by reminding myself of the big things...the little things have a good chance of falling into place.

I will set monthly goals for myself...and do my best to achieve them. I won't be too hard on myself if I don't always get it quite right. There's still next time.

I'm happy to see 2012 go. I was starting to hope it was all an episode of Dallas, and any minute Pam was going to wake up and find Bobby in the shower.

That's not the case, which is fine. I'm going to tuck the lessons and heartaches and triumphs from 2012 in my pocket, and push forward.

I'm ready for 2013. Bring it.

NaBloPoMo - Compliments

I'm not always good at receiving compliments. I don't always see myself the way others see me; makes it hard to see what they see when they're saying something nice.

But I try - and I'm improving.

I've gotten a few compliments recently. One that comes immediately to mind is when I posted a new photo of myself on facebook, so that I could make it my profile picture. Right away, a bunch of people "liked" the photo, and several left very nice comments.

I'll be honest - I hate my picture, and it's very hard for me to find one I'm willing to share. I took this one myself, with the front-facing camera on my phone, in a bathroom (with a wall as my background) because it was the only room at the (obviously Halloween-costume) party with sufficient light. I had to take the photo then because after I went to bed, I would no longer be sporting the feathers, sparkles, or makeup.

I'd just as soon upload a new profile photo without facebook making a big production. But these days, facebook turns everything into an event, so there's really no way around the post. It's even worse on my phone app, and by the time I can delete the post, I'll already have comment and/or likes, and at that point deleting just seems rude.

Plus, I appreciate the compliments. I think most people would just not say anything if they didn't have something nice to say. The compliments come across as sincere, and that is very easy to appreciate.

I suppose receiving compliments is something that takes practice - and that's just as good a way as any for me to keep improving.

NaBloPoMo - Favorite quote

Anyone who knows me will tell you I love a good quote. I speak in quotes often, and can come up with something that applies to just about any situation.

My inspiration for quotes? Maya Angelou, Marilyn Monroe, Sex and the City, George Carlin, Disney, and movies - to name a few.

I have two favorites (actually, I have more than that, but I'm picking two)...

"There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~ Winnie the Pooh by A.A. Milne

Why is that my favorite? After my divorce, I decided I needed to do take the gagillion framed photos of me and X off the walls. Replacing the pictures was easier than removing the hardware and spackling and painting, so I headed to a booth at a local craft fair, in search of replacement art.

I found this quote on a painted wooden plaque. I hung it in the hall, where I see it every morning when I leave my bedroom.

Most of us don't give ourselves enough credit for being brave, strong, or smart. I was one of those people - and this quote reminds me I deserve more credit.

My other favorite quote?

"Here's all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid." ~ When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops by George Carlin

Why is that my favorite? I've been divorced and dating for nearly four years, and I haven't found a more accurate way to describe the relationship between men and women.

Seriously.

Words shape your life

From NorthwayChurch.tv

It's sort of funny to me how sometimes, the message at church is really appropriate and timely for me, and exactly what I need to hear. Other times, it's just down right eerie.

That's what happened this weekend, when my church started a new series called Words. The message this weekend was about how words can shape your life, and change your direction. At the end of the message, we all wrote down negative words that have been spoken to or about us - and then threw them away, and replaced them with the words God uses to describe us. 

It's a nice thought, and quite powerful. Honestly - I've been struggling a little bit with negative image, and figuring out how to see myself in a positive way, even when I get the opposite message. 

But truth be told, it's hard to use words like "redeemed" or "victorious" to replace words like "fat" or "ugly" and feel like I've come out ahead. I mean, I can be redeemed or victorious all day - it won't change my New Year's Eve situation. 

With regards to relationships, I was recently told that I need to stop with the negative thinking. If I start putting positive thoughts out, I will start getting some positive back.

I was told I need to stop thinking I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough. I especially need to realize that the right person is going to look at me for my whole person. He will see that I've "got it all going on" - but I have to see that first.

I was told that I need to not assume every guy will be a jerk, and start giving the good ones a chance. I need to start listening to my instincts more, and have more faith in myself.

I guess the message is the same - I need to replace the negative thoughts with more positive, and start seeing myself the way I want others to see me. After all, I can't expect to get positive, good things in my life if I'm not putting out positive, good thoughts. Right? 

I think we're taught too soon, and for too long, to judge ourselves based on what others think. We choose how to dress, what to say, who to like - and more - based on how our choices shape the opinions of others.  

By the time we're old enough to figure out that the opinions of others shouldn't really matter...it's kinda too late to unring the bell. So what's a gal to do? 

I guess I could start by listening to what people who actually like me have to say. They'll tell me I'm pretty, smart, funny, talented, compassionate, generous, thoughtful, sincere...those are some nice words. Plus, I mean, let's face it - I obviously surround myself with the best people. If that's what they're saying...well, there's no way they're all wrong. Right?

Even bigger than listening to those words, is figuring out a way to silence the words of others. To completely discount the opinions of people who don't think I'm any of those things. When someone says or does something that makes me feel less than what I know myself to be...he needs to go. 

I need to remember that I have the option of seeing myself the way he sees me - or the way I know myself to be. Then I need to make the right choice.

Negative words will always be there. I guess the trick is to make sure the positive words are talking louder.

Hello, my name is...

"Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." Sex and the City

In the car yesterday afternoon, I was thinking about how surprised people seem to be when they learn that Rock is a) my real last name (people often think it's made up) and b) my married last name - and I'm not married anymore.

I was trying to decide if I should write about the decision, and the apparent and unexpected fall-out, and the my friend Baking Suit posted this last week.. This is apparently a case of great minds thinking alike - and thus, this post was born.

I graduated college in 1996, engaged but not yet married. My last name was Ginett. Gi pronouned like give, nett prounounced like net. Prior to the commencement ceremony, graduates were asked to hand in an index card with our name written as we would like it pronounced as we walked across the stage. I wrote my name out; then I provided a phonetic spelling; then I provided examples of the correct pronunciation. My index card was given to an English professor with a PhD.

Who misprounounced my last name as I was handed my diploma.

I could not wait to get married and get rid of that last name. I love my family, and they are largely responsible for who I am as a person. But I wanted to be a Rock. Two years later, I would be.

Anyone who says that marriage doesn't change who you are has either never been married, or is living in a perpetual state of denial. I don't care how self-aware you are, if you lived together first, or what - being married changes you. Even just a teeny bit.

Since I married young, that was even more true for me. I hadn't even come into my own when I walked down the aisle, so I did a whole lotta changing in the ten years that followed.

Unfortunately, I learned that there was one thing that could change me more than marriage: Divorce. Four years later, I am most definitely not the same person I was when I got married, or even when the marriage started to end. But I am also not the same person who so happily marched down to the Social Security Office in July 1998 to begin the process of changing from a Ginett to a Rock.

So who the hell am I? Should I still be Sue Rock? Or go back to being Sue Ginett?

There was a time when I planned to change my name as soon as the ink was dry on my divorce papers. Of course that was also when I was angry with X, and dragging furniture to the end of the driveway on my own in a fit of...well....rage. Anger makes people do stupid things. I didn't need that bookcase, but I am very glad I didn't make any more lasting decisions while in that state of mind.

After things calmed down, and X and I started to develop a friendship, I saw things differently. Here are the factors that ultimately influenced my decision to keep my married name:

* Paperwork - I freaking hate it. Though it isn't terribly complicatd to legally change your name, getting it changed on bills, accounts, and even important documents (like the other diploma I received in 2008) is just a lot of work that I really don't want.

* Professional Branding - I'd already started blogging, networking, and other work, under this name. Changing it seemed like more of a hassle. Not to mention - Rock is just a cooler name than Ginett. Sorry, Dad - but it's true.

* Personal Branding - Most of my closest friends know me as Sue Rock (with a few exceptions). They'd probably keep referring to me that way, even if my name did change. So what's the point?

* Family Ties - X doesn't have a lot of family. My family loved him as though he was their own, and he loved them too. I can't speak for him, but I still consider X a part of my family (and I know my family feels the same). I feel like it's nice for him to have at least one other Rock around.

The bottom line is this: I came into who I am as a person with the last name Rock. It more closely identifies with who I am today, and I like the name. It's mine; I earned it, and I'm keeping it. So there.

Now, are there any circumstances under which I'd consider changing my name? I can think of only two:

Sue Jeter - has a nice ring, dontcha think?

* If X got remarried - Out of respect for the new Mrs. Rock, I might change my name, if it mattered to either of them. I doubt that it would (I'm not a Mrs., I'm a Ms., so she'd still be the only Mrs. X Rock around). But I'd be gracious enough to at least consider the change.

* If I got remarried - If I knew then what I know now, I'd never have changed my name in the first place - but I can't unring that bell. Still, I'd understand if my imaginary-future-husband (or as I like to call him, Derek) was uncomfortable with the idea that his wife's name was given to her by her ex-husband.

In that case, would I change my name to his, or just go back to my maiden name? I'm not sure. But I do know if I ever do this again, it will be the last time.

Anything to keep the paperwork to a minimum.

Fat is not an insult

There really isn't anything like a four-year-old telling you, "You're fat." I swear I've never seen her mom's head swivel so fast, or a more angry look on her face. I didn't even have time to be upset, because all I could do was turn to the four-year-old and say, "Ooooo, you're in troublllllle...." Maturity - 1, Sue - 0

There's never a wrong time to teach kids that saying or doing mean things is not acceptable. But you know what I wonder?

Who decided "fat" was a mean thing to say?

No - seriously. I get that she may have thought she was making fun of me, and Mom had to correct her. Kids have to be taught there's a right and wrong time and place to say things, and also that there are some things you just shouldn't point out. This little girl doesn't have a mean bone in her body, and I know she felt bad that she may have hurt my feelings. I'm very sure she learned that lesson.

But if she thought that "fat" was a way to make fun of me - she had to have learned that from somewhere. Who decides which characteristics are negative, and which are positive? More importantly, who is passing on those decisions to the kids? She's observing something that is true. Maybe "fat" isn't the nicest way to phrase it - but I'm definitely not thin. And she's four - it's not like she's learned words like curvy, or plus-sized.

Really, it's not much different than if she says, "Your hair is brown and Mommy's is yellow." It's just an observation - and it's true.

Maybe sometimes, there needs to be a lesson about what words mean, and how much power they have. Maybe the idea is not to just teach kids not to say something - but why they shouldn't say something. Or maybe sometimes, the lesson should be that someone's differences aren't necessarily her flaws.

If the idea is to teach little girls not to insult each other by using the word "fat" - maybe the way to do that is to teach them that "fat" is not an insult.

Help yourself

I think it's important for people to understand that depression is really an illness. The one thing I can do to help others understand is to be open about my own struggles - so I am.

After I re-read that post, I got to thinking...I don't want it to sound like an excuse. Just because a person suffers from depression, she's not off the hook when it comes to protecting her own health. I mean, if you have high blood pressure, you don't add salt to your soup, ya know? People with depression have to take care of themselves, too.

Having gone from being worried and/or depressed all the time, to a relatively even mood on the medication, I've become hyper-aware when I'm extra sad or worried. I know, without a doubt, when something isn't right with my feelings or mood or behavior.

How do I handle that? Many ways. If it's really bad, an adjustment to medication might be in order. I prefer to stay away from that if I can. Actually - I've avoided it altogether, and have never adjusted the dosage.

I prefer to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with myself, to figure out what is causing the spike in worry or sadness. Did something happen? Am I hormonal? Can I fix it by eating a little better that week, or exercising more? Maybe I need to make sure to take a break during my workday. Or maybe I need a day off altogether.

What about counseling? I swear, everyone needs counseling. Those that think they don't are usually the ones who need it the most. It never hurts to have someone help you reframe the worry, and suggest ways to cope.

Talk to your friends. They care (if they don't - get new friends). Lean on them. Ask for help and support. You would if you had the flu; this is no different.

Keep a journal. If you're tracking how you feel and when you feel that way, it might be easier to figure out the trigger. You'll have a much better chance of fixing the problem if you understand its cause.

Accept that not everything is in your control. Whether it's God, or the cosmos, or the tooth fairy that you belive in, find a way to be OK with the fact that there are some things you just can't fix - and it does you no good to worry. Concentrate on the things you can control. You won't ever be able to fix how another person feels about you, or the economy's effect on your job, or who in your family is affected by cancer. But you absolutely can control how you react to any of those things.

Listen - I'm no expert. I'm just a 30-something who has been through some things, and gotten to know myself better in the process. These are things that I've done, that have worked for me at different times in my life. I don't think anyone should be embarrassed to ask for help. I also think everyone should be willing to help themselves.

I was. And I'm grateful every day.

Helpful links:

Helpguide.org 
Dailystrength.org
Webmd.com

The nicest thing

There are a lot of nice things someone can say to you.

• You look nice today.
• I really like that hairstyle.
• I love that outfit.
• You did a great job on that project.
• I love how you decorate your house!
• Your kids are so cute/well-behaved.
• Your cats are precious. 
• What would you like for Christmas/your birthday?

I could go on. But by far, the nicest thing I think a person can say to you - especially when it's sincere - is: 

Are you losing weight?

So to the person who said that to me this weekend - you're the best. It won't be forgotten.

I've still got a long way to go, but it's nice to know I'm on the way.

February Challenge: How I did

For February, I challenged myself to lose 4 inches, drink 6 - 8 cups of water a day, and go to the gym at least 3 days a week.

Well - according to Foursquare, I have been to the gym at least once a week for the past 7 weeks; and I was there at least 3 times each week in February. For the past few weeks, I've been there 4 times a week, ever since I learned I'll be wearing a bathing suit this summer.

According to My Fitness Pal - I did OK in the water department. I definitely increased my intake overall, getting at least 4 cups each day. I never made it to 8 cups and will admit I rarely saw 6. I'm working on it.

As for the inches? No idea. Totally forgot to measure myself at the end of January. Anyway, I decided that a measurement goal would be just as frustrating for me as a weight loss goal, so I came up with a new plan. Once I started getting cardio on a regular basis, I realized setting a goal that would help me keep my heart rate elevated, and burn more calories, would be helpful. So, I set a distance goal* for myself, which I exceeded. Go me!

For March, I decided to stick with this theme, and continue to increase the distance I travel per hour. I've also decided to try and keep up with the water goal, and continue tracking my calories via My Fitness Pal. I'll be going to the gym a minimum of 4 times a week; 5 when my schedule, and health, allows.

I've decided to set aside any weight loss and measurement goals. Bathing suit or not, it is very, very difficult for me to actually lose weight. That being the case, I don't get the sort of validation or encouragement that others get from tracking their progress on the scale  because I either don't make any, or I make it so slowly it's impossible to track.

This whole project has taught me that when I tie my success to a nearly-impossible goal, I sabotage myself from the beginning. Regardless of what I look like on the beach, the point of this whole thing is supposed to be that I get healthier - and that's happening.

I have to be careful not to lose sight of that goal.


*I'm not telling you the goal because it's embarrassing how slowly I move. The point is, I'm improving. 

Fat does not equal lazy

Since January, I've been challenging myself to increase my physical fitness. I'm improving my diet, increasing my exercise, and trying to achieve a higher level of overall health. I have increased my water intake and have added some vitamin supplements to my diet.

I've adjusted what I eat. Does that mean I always eat healthy or low-calorie? No - but because I am trying to lose weight, I am accounting for every single calorie that passes my lips. Do I always come in under my daily goal? No - but I am more aware of what I'm eating and what I should be eating (or not). I'm a lot closer to my daily goal than I have been in the last couple of years. That's all part of health.

I've been to the gym at least once a week, every week, for the last 7 weeks (thanks, Foursquare). In the last few weeks, I've been there 4 times each week, and am working on increasing my weekly visits to 5. My pants are not looser; my waist is not smaller. So far, the only real change I've experienced is that my arthritic knees hurt so much, I can't bend them enough to step into the shower. Awesome.

I work a full time job; I am a part-time consultant for a small business; I author or contribute to 6 blogs. I own a home and am the only person responsible for the upkeep (inside and out). I pay my own bills, buy my own groceries, run my own errands. I do all of this in addition to the work-outs. 

I've worked full-time since I was 16; I've never been unemployed, even when I was a full-time college student working 30 hours a week at an internship. I have never been lazy - but I have always been overweight. I even remember being chubby at 6, and being made fun of by classmates. I certainly wasn't lazy back then; I just didn't have a good metabolism, and never made the proper adjustments. 

The one time in my life I did manage to lose weight, I did so by barely eating anything, exercising for hours every day, and taking amphetamines. I had chest pains, did irreparable damage to my knees, and made myself sick - all in the name of being thin. It worked; but the minute I resumed healthier habits, I put the weight back on. 

No matter how hard I try, I won't ever be thin. That won't stop me from from trying to get healthy or improve my physical fitness, but it does make the work that much more frustrating. What's even worse is hearing people say things like, "fat people are just lazy," or "she should just lose the weight," or "well, she chooses to be that way." 

I didn't choose to be overweight - but I do choose to be happy with myself. Every single day, I make a decision to like the woman I am, and my heart breaks when I see others losing the same struggle. I get angry with people who think that just because thin is easy for them, that means that thin is easy for everyone. Think that what works for you will work for everyone? Not so. 

Everyone struggles, and every person's struggle is different. Putting labels on people is a bad idea, because no matter how much you think you know about someone - what you know is only a scratch at the surface. 

Still, I proudly wear the label of curvy, or plus-sized, or over-weight. Personally, I'm even okay with the label fat. Why? Because I am also smart, confidant, successful, pretty, charming, funny - and very, very grateful. Fat isn't who I am; it's one part of what I look like, which is a very small part of who I am. 

Really, the only label with which I'm not OK is lazy. 

If only

At church on Sunday, we started a series called "Forever Young." For the next few weeks, the Pastor will talk to us about maintaining a youthful spirit, even in a world constantly trying to age us with stress and worry and pressure. 

He started talking about if only... You know - I could be happy, if only...I had a husband; I had a child; I had a better job; I had a bigger house; I wore smaller jeans. 

If only.

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately, though not in the context of keeping myself young. More about how I used to look at life that way - and now that I've changed, how easy it is for me to spot someone else doing the same thing.

Source

I used to think that all I needed was that next thing, and all my problems would be solved. Then I lost everything that I never knew mattered - and learned happiness doesn't come from what you can get. Happiness comes from appreciating who you are, the people around you, and what you already have.

But that's a tough thing to say to someone else. No matter how badly I may want to teach, it's the sort of lesson a person has to learn on her own. Some people (like me) have to lose it all before they can see what they really have.  

It's heart-breaking, though, to watch someone bounce from goal to goal, getting more and more lost, because even as she gets that next big thing - she's not any happier. She doesn't feel better about herself, her life isn't where she wants it to be, and she's losing ground with the things she thought she'd achieved. 

If only she could see the her I see. The beautiful, smart, confidant woman who is a good wife and a good mother. The woman who does for others without thinking of herself. The woman who is good at her job, who juggles without dropping and can make magic happen for her kids. The woman who has the guts to get up there and do something in front of others, even when she's afraid. The woman who isn't afraid to learn, and try, and be wrong - and keep going.

If only she saw that woman, and loved herself the way others love her, she might finally find happiness.

If only.

Move Monday: Bridesmaids

When the movie Bridesmaids came out last spring, I heard it was everything from average to hilarious. I heard it was a total chick-flick, and it made people laugh out loud. I even heard about how awkward the opening scene can be if you watch it with your parents, or teenage daughter.

What everyone failed to share was how much of a train wreck the movie actually is.

Don't get me wrong - it's a good movie. Well acted, the story is good, the comedy is top-notch, and the story is totally relatable.

In fact - it might be too relatable.

*Spoiler alert - I'm going to describe some scenes, so if you haven't seen the movie, and that bothers you, stop reading.*

I watched the movie last Friday night. I wasn't alone, and I happen to be watching it with a guy. He laughed the whole way through the movie - when Annie gets stuck on the fence during her walk of shame, when the girls get sick whilst wearing couture gowns, when Annie performs a dozen stunts to get the attention of the lovesick cop, and even when she goes nuts on a plane, after a bad combination of medication and alcohol.

He laughed. I cringed. At one point, I think I even looked away. Honestly, I've been less stressed out watching real-life crime stories and slasher films.

"Why?" he asked. "What bothers you so much about this movie?"

I gave that some thought. I mean - the movie is funny. I did laugh a few times, and of course the Hollywood ending made me smile.

It was really the perfect exaggeration of all that is wrong with women, especially when they're competitive and put into a group - and especially when that group is a wedding party. It seems like those situations not only bring every insecurity, irrational worry and fear to the surface - they multiply them by a thousand.

As I was watching the movie, I found myself wondering why Annie would put herself in that situation. Couldn't she see he was using her? Couldn't she see Helen was manipulating her? Couldn't she see how she was making herself look bad?

I was scared and embarrassed for her, and angry with her at the same time. It was like being forced to watch home movies of your own most awkward moments - and then watching live as a friend makes the same mistakes.

Awkward, amusing, nostalgic and frustrating, all at the same time.

That was a lot of stress. I think a nice serial killer movie might be in order to break it up for me.

It's a great movie. I give it four stars - except I don't think I'll ever be able to watch it again. I hope they don't make a sequel.