RSVP

So - I moved. I'll be talking more about that next week. In the meantime, I wanted to chat about something that's been on my mind for a while.

RSVP - Request for a response to an invitation (from French: répondez s'il vous plaît).

When people send an invitation, they usually need to know who is coming. You know, to plan food, seating, parking, entertainment, budget, etc. Sometimes a week is enough notice - sometimes it's not. Either way, if you receive an invitation that requests a response by a certain date, the polite thing to do is respond by that date. If you can't commit - then your answer is no. It is not the host's job to accommodate your unpredictable schedule.

I get multiple invites each week, primarily for events on Facebook. The other day, I received two in the mail.

Facebook events don't always have an RSVP date. But whether there is or there isn't, the process is the same:

Read the invite
Decide if I want to go
Check my calendar
     If it's open, I add the event and reply yes.
     If it's not, I reply no.

If the first event is something that can be moved, and the second one is important enough, I might make a change.

Either way, the whole process only takes about 5 minutes - 10 tops.

So there's really no good reason it should ever take weeks to reply to an event.

Unless you really don't want to go... in which case, you should just say no in the first place.

Wait for it....

I never watched How I Met Your Mother when it was on the air. I resisted when people told me it was totally my thing. Then, a few weeks back I fell in a Netflix hole, and binge-watched several seasons in a weekend - and now I'm hooked.

If only someone had told me how similar HIMYM is to Friends, I'd have been on board years ago!

I know millennials don't like the comparison. I understand - no one likes to hear a show that defines their twenties is similar to another show....that defined another generation's twenties. There's no way people that old could have ever been twenty and cool. Right?

But I can show some parallels. Don't believe me? Watch. It'll be legen...wait for it!...dary!

Since I am still watching older seasons, I did not watch Monday's series finale - but I did read the spoilers. One bit is mentioned below, so -

****SPOILER ALERT****

First we meet Ted Ross - uber-smart professor, often sharing facts he loves, but others consider boring and useless, who is constantly correcting others. Ross Ted is a hopeless romantic who dates, but never commits because his heart belongs to Rachel Robin, the beautiful new-comer who enters their lives in the pilot episode from a foreign land - Long Island Canada - and grabs his heart. The two would go back and forth between dating one another, even living together as roommates at one point, before eventually finding their way back to each other in the final episode.

At one point, Rachel Robin even dates one of Ross Ted's best friends, Joey Barney, the womanizing player who seems like he'll never settle down. That is until the day he realizes he's in love with Rachel Robin.

Then there's Chandler Marshall - the guy who wants to go along with his friends' schemes, even though he can't lie and eventually backs out. Mostly, he makes sarcastic comments. He's in love, and eventually marries and starts a family, with "group mom" Monica Lily, the responsible, dependable one who keeps the group together with her cooking and her schemes.

Of course, the two TV shows aren't exactly alike. A few "major" differences:

• Five friends instead of six
• They meet at a bar instead of a coffee shop
• The first group couple starts the series off that way, rather than connecting mid-series
• There is never any mention of rent control regarding Ted and Marshall's apartment, leaving it unclear how a struggling architect and an unemployed law student could afford a Manhattan apartment with that many rooms.

Most TV - especially sitcom TV - follows a formula. Why?

If it's not broke - don't fix it.

The one where volunteering helped me

I can think of no place better to tackle complex, philosophical questions than the TV show Friends.

For example, "The One Where Pheobe Hates PBS." In this classic episode, Joey and Pheobe argue whether any act is truly selfless - meaning the receiver benefits, while the giver gets absolutely nothing.

Joey says no way; Pheobe believes selflessness must exist, and sets out to prove him wrong. As a last-ditch attempt, she donates money to PBS during a pledge drive, making sure Joey takes the call, landing him on TV. Giving money to an organization she hates, to help her friend. What could she possibly stand to gain?

Turns out - helping Joey made Phoebe feel good. That good feeling meant even this act wasn't truly selfless.

I average about 3 volunteer hours a week. That includes time spent managing facebook pages, photo editing, blogging to promote causes and events, committee meetings, training, time spent with my Little, etc. It's not 3 hours each week - it's an average. Some weeks are more; some are less.

I've been told that's a lot of giving, and I should be proud that I donate my time and resources selflessly. I thank people who say so, knowing it's meant as a compliment. But while I'm saying, "Thank you," I'm thinking, "If you only knew."

When I say volunteering has changed my life, it is not an exaggeration. During a particularly difficult time, I asked a friend for advice on how to pull myself out of the funk, and keep myself busy at the same time. I wasn't interested in getting lost in my work, and while my friends are wonderful, I knew they couldn't provide distractions forever.

My friend suggested volunteering. I researched Big Brothers, Big Sisters of the Capital Region, Girls Inc. of the Greater Capital Region, and Upper Hudson Planned Parenthood. All had online forms I could complete and submit. All required an interview and some training. BBBS required a background check that fell just short of an FBI investigation into my life, past and present (understandable).

Friends asked how I would keep up that pace. In the beginning, it was a little tough. Just remembering to schedule and stay on top of all the emails took some getting used to.

But immediately, I welcomed the distraction, and the feeling that I was helpful. I loved the idea that I could immerse myself in something that was important. Even things that may have seemed insignificant to me were a big deal to someone.

Over time, I have needed that distraction less and less. I'm no longer in a funk, and plenty busy with other stuff in my life. But I still love volunteering. Sometimes the demand is tough - but I have found it's worth the effort.

Giving my time, my resources, my ideas, my creativity, and my help has made me feel accomplished and valuable in a way that my work never could. I have met new friends and made new contacts. I have learned more and gained experience that will stay with me forever. I have a new perspective on just how lucky I am, and I value what I have and the people in my life more than ever.

I will continue to give, and hopefully I'll continue to contribute. I will always cherish the thank-yous and appreciation.

But volunteering will never, ever be selfless.

Friday fill in - Time warp edition

Today is Friday, April 26. Yesterday (Thursday, April 25) was the Girl's Inc. Auction, for which I spent the last week preparing, and from which I will spend today recovering. Knowing that would be the case, I scheduled this post ahead of time. 

So I'm borrowing the Friday Fill-In from Thursday, April 11, because I liked it and can work on it today (which is actually Wednesday, April 24). Confused yet? Fabulous.

1. Right now I'm not hungry.
2. Sarcasm is my well-known quirk.
3. Are you ready yet?
4. Dessert first, then dinner!
5. That's why I exercise.
6. Friends is one of my favorite TV shows ever!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to the gym, tomorrow my plans include church, and Sunday I want to do absolutely nothing.

 

This would be the best thing ever!



On my heart

I am not making resolutions this year - but I am writing a few things on my heart.

Found it here.

- I will not let the problems of others bring me down
- I will thank God each day for all that I have
- I will remember to tell my friends how important they are, and how much I love them
- I will approach each day as though it will be the best day of the year - because it just may be
- I will surround myself only with people who add to my happiness
- I will learn to value myself the way others value me

I see some changes in how I approach my work, relationships, health, and finances in 2013. I know what I need to do, and I plan to do so. If I set a schedule, I know I'll probably fall behind; if I make specific promises, I know I'll probably fall slightly short.

I figure if I approach it by reminding myself of the big things...the little things have a good chance of falling into place.

I will set monthly goals for myself...and do my best to achieve them. I won't be too hard on myself if I don't always get it quite right. There's still next time.

I'm happy to see 2012 go. I was starting to hope it was all an episode of Dallas, and any minute Pam was going to wake up and find Bobby in the shower.

That's not the case, which is fine. I'm going to tuck the lessons and heartaches and triumphs from 2012 in my pocket, and push forward.

I'm ready for 2013. Bring it.

NaBloPoMo - Compliments

I'm not always good at receiving compliments. I don't always see myself the way others see me; makes it hard to see what they see when they're saying something nice.

But I try - and I'm improving.

I've gotten a few compliments recently. One that comes immediately to mind is when I posted a new photo of myself on facebook, so that I could make it my profile picture. Right away, a bunch of people "liked" the photo, and several left very nice comments.

I'll be honest - I hate my picture, and it's very hard for me to find one I'm willing to share. I took this one myself, with the front-facing camera on my phone, in a bathroom (with a wall as my background) because it was the only room at the (obviously Halloween-costume) party with sufficient light. I had to take the photo then because after I went to bed, I would no longer be sporting the feathers, sparkles, or makeup.

I'd just as soon upload a new profile photo without facebook making a big production. But these days, facebook turns everything into an event, so there's really no way around the post. It's even worse on my phone app, and by the time I can delete the post, I'll already have comment and/or likes, and at that point deleting just seems rude.

Plus, I appreciate the compliments. I think most people would just not say anything if they didn't have something nice to say. The compliments come across as sincere, and that is very easy to appreciate.

I suppose receiving compliments is something that takes practice - and that's just as good a way as any for me to keep improving.

Fairy tales come true?

"Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale of all." Hans Christian Anderson

I posted this on facebook the other day, simply because I like the quote. A friend commented, "Yeah, and I'm the princess trapped in the tower waiting for her prince to rescue her, but he's too stupid to figure out how."

Her comment got me thinking about how fairy tales really have given us a skewed view of happily ever after. I mean, even stories that center around a strong female still teach us that she needs to find her prince before she can find true happiness.

Come on, already.

Why are little girls taught that, no matter what, they won't be truly happy until they find a guy? It's like that scene in Sex and the City (The Movie) where Carrie is reading Cinderella to Charlotte's daughter Lily, and she says, "You know this is just a fantasy, right? I just think you should know it doesn't always turn out this way." Lily asks Carrie to read the story again, and Carrie says, "And another one bites the dust."

Please understand, I'm all for happily ever after - and I think it's a beautiful thing when two people find each other and fall in love. I just don't think little girls should be taught that finding a prince equals happiness. I also don't think a little girl should feel she has to wait for a prince to find her, or that she has to be worthy of the prince.

I told my friend that I thought we could write her a better fairy tale. One where she escapes from the tower herself, finds her prince, and then makes him pass a series of tests to prove that he's worthy of her.

So where's that fairy tale? I'm lookin' at you, Disney.

What's the rule?

"It's okay to cancel plans with friends if there's a possibility for sex." Joey Tribbiani, Friends (The One with All the Cheesecakes)

Phoebe and Joey have dinner plans; Joey cancels because he has a date. Joey says that's acceptable; the rule is, it's okay to cancel plans with friends for a date. The guys agree with Joey; Monica and Rachel agree with Phoebe. That's a terrible way to treat a friend; that boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but friends are forever.

I'll always be there for you.
Unless there's a possibility for sex...

I admit, I used to be one of those women whose life revolved around my relationships. My life is way different now, and I'm not that person anymore. But I know plenty of people who drop everything - friends, family, work, hobbies - when a new relationship comes around. When I tell them it's a mistake, they ask, "What do you know? Who are you to be giving that advice?"

I tell them, I'm the girl who lost everything and had to start over. See, that's the risk you take when you make someone the center of your life; if they're ever gone, your whole world changes. Starting over is never easy; doing so without any friends or foundation is even harder. Believe me - I've been there.

Most of the time, I don't think people even realize they're being that person. It's natural for things to change when there's a new relationship, so I think most of us just write off those changes as normal. But if your friends are telling you to look out, don't assume they're jealous, or angry or feel abandoned. Take a step back and look at your behavior. They might be right.

Have you ever been in that position? Know anyone who has? What did you do, or tell him/her to do?

Good deeds

As I mentioned, I've been watching Friends a lot. The other night, was an episode called The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS. She's mad because she wrote a letter to Sesame Street that went unanswered, which is...well...rude. I mean, you expect better from Muppets.

Anyway, the show evolves into a debate between Phoebe and Joey about whether or not there is any such thing as a truly self-less act. When you do something good, even if someone else benefits - you feel good. So, it's not completely self-less.

If you think about it - that sort of makes sense. It feels good to help a friend. Whether you can be there for them when they need advice, or support, or to loan them money or do them a favor...it feels great to know that you're able to be there for a friend.

But is that selfish? I mean - you don't do the favor or good deed so that you feel good - it's just a side effect. So what makes something selfish? The end result - or just what motivates you in the first place? I sort of think it's the motivation...but what do you think?

Plus - I don't really want Joey Tribbiani to be right, either....

Winter blah blah blahs

Have you ever had the winter blahs? I have them now. I'm tired all the time, I have (even) less patience than I usually do, and I am having trouble looking forward to things.

Part of it is because of the weather - I'm really not a huge fan of winter, but this one has been especially hard. A lot of snow, really cold temperatures - I'm just ready for spring. That coupled with some very stressful weeks at work has left me feeling - ho-hum. 

I mentioned that to my friend, and said I was trying to find ways to combat the depression - exercise, diet, and making plans with friends being at the top of my list. Her response to me was to ask if I'd considered counseling. 

Here's the thing - I have depression. Not a get-the-white-coat level of depression, but it's there. I deal. I used to go to counseling, but stopped when I really no longer saw a benefit. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think the fact that I can actually identify when I'm depressed, and think of ways to rationally handle the feeling, suggests I learned a lot from my counseling days. No? 

Anyway, I reminded her I'd been to counseling before, and that there isn't much a counselor can do about the weather or my job stress. She responded by saying that a counselor can give me "coping mechanisms." 

Such as - exercise, diet and making plans, I asked. She said that was a great idea, that I should do those things. 

It's weird; I almost don't even need to be there for people to have a conversation with me. 

There for you

I've been watching Friends marathons for about a week - because it's my most favorite show ever. I have all the seasons on DVD (thanks Dad) so I can watch them whenever. I'm finding that they are filled with blog posts. (You've been warned.)

I tweeted a couple of the lyrics from the theme song - "...your job's a joke, you're broke - your love life's DOA..." It describes a time in your life when things are up in the air; a period of change, when you're trying to figure things out, and nothing is settled.

That's how my life is right now (kind of). At first I thought - that's cool. I have great friends, and I (sort of) know what I want to be when I grow up...my life is off and running in the right direction; I just need a little momentum.

Then I realized - this show is about a bunch of twenty-somethings. That's the time of life the song is meant to describe - your twenties. I'm a thirty-something - and I'm still there. So, I figure, my life is roughly ten years behind schedule.

Crap.

At least now I have a cool theme song...