Challenge accepted

I was named in one of those challenges where I'm supposed to post photos of my boyfriend and me to celebrate being in a relationship. The challenges originally were celebrating marriage. I figured not being challenged was a perk of not being married, but I guess not. 

About a week ago, I shared a post by a blogger who said she "could not in good conscience participate in the challenge." She makes an excellent point:

The other day, a friend of mine summarized something she’d heard somewhere, and I love it. I LOVE IT SO HARD. "You know one hundred percent of your own life," she said. "But on social media, you only share the best five percent of it: your baby’s first steps, your trip to the Bahamas, your graduation day. That’s all anyone else sees. It’s fascinating to keep up with those things, for sure. But it’s also why Facebook can be so discouraging: we compare one hundred percent of our own life to THE BEST five percent of everyone else’s."

My relationship is nothing short of amazing. I have never been so happy, and I thank God every single day for bringing Kurt into my life. Every. Single. Day.

Our best is more than 5% - I'd say it's probably more like 90 - 95%. My boyfriend and I genuinely enjoy each other's company. We laugh a lot. We don't have to deal with a lot of the "stuff" other couples face. We are blessed with the freedom, time, and resources to have a lot of fun together. Those of you connected with me on Facebook already see those pictures - sporting events, museums, hikes, road-trips. I share and celebrate our adventures all the time.  

This photo celebrates what it's like to take
a selfie with a 15" height difference.

But there is a 5 - 10% that you don't see. My anxiety creeping in and making his life difficult. Deciding what to eat for dinner. Giving my cat a bath. Me getting eaten alive by mosquitoes on a hike, or icing my knee after. Folding laundry. Grocery shopping. 

I feel like if I was going to share more of our relationship, I should include those moments too. But I can't - even if I wanted to remember those times, I think we all know there's no way I'm taking a photo when I'm sweaty or without makeup.

It's silly to think those things deserve to be celebrated. Really - who wants to celebrate icing her knee? But I feel like a relationship isn't just made up of all the fun stuff. It's made up of how you handle the bad stuff, too. I'm lucky enough to have someone who will get the ice for me - and also bring me ice cream so I can rest. Now that's worth celebrating.

So my Facebook friends and family will continue to see the absolute best 90 - 95% of my relationship - and I will continue to celebrate all 100% every day.

Grateful everyday

I have written about my anxiety and depression before because I see no reason to ignore the reality. I've never really gotten too personal, though, and I only recently realized that was because I am a little ashamed. Inspired by this post I found, I've decided to change that and talk a bit about what happens. That's also a reality, and lately, it's been one that I really can't ignore.

My anxiety attacks usually last about a day, though more recently, I've had attacks that have lasted several days, and one lasted almost a week a few months ago. I will tell anyone who asks that is what's wrong with me that day - I'm having an anxiety attack. I always get the impression they think this is a work of fiction on my part, or they think it's just a case of the worries, and if I just focus elsewhere, I'll be fine. Or they tell me to calm down. Or they just don't want to hear.

When I say I'm having an anxiety attack, I don't mean that I'm just a little worried. I mean - I am worried - but by the time I've gotten to the anxiety attack, I'm well-past the point of worry.

My head hurts. Most of the time I am dizzy and feel like I may pass out at any moment. It's hard to walk, and it's hard to drive. That can make getting to work difficult, but I usually manage. Of course, it doesn't always matter, because I can't focus on anything. It's also usually hard to see.

My stomach also hurts. You've felt butterflies before, right? This is like that, except it's like the butterflies are being attacked like a swarm of wasps. I can't eat - which would be great for my jean size, but it never lasts. Anyway, not eating doesn't really help with the seeing, walking, and focus.

There's also the hot flashes. This is great. I could be standing outside in 40 degree weather with short sleeves and I'd be sweating. Very uncomfortable, and just adds to the fun.

Some people want to know why I get so worried. Not easy to explain. It's not like my problems or worries are worse than anyone else's. In fact, my life is probably easier than most. The difference is my brain and body physically respond to my worries. I can manage that (medication, vitamins, exercise, diet) but there is no escape.

So just don't worry, right? I wish it were that simple. Here's what happens:

Someone says or does something that should mean nothing. Maybe they ask a question. Or mention something might happen. It usually involves change, and with me, it almost always involves a relationship (because those are my biggest priority). It seems insignificant to the other person - and I'm the first to admit it probably is insignificant - but almost immediately, my brain starts worrying.

What does this mean? What might happen? What could this cause?

A million questions swirl in my head. Pretty soon, answers are coming at me from every direction - and every single one is negative. It's like if you were in a room listening to 100 people hurl insults in your direction. I try to replace those negative thoughts with positive, and sometimes I'm successful. But that is a lot of work, and I'm not always successful.

I have learned a lot of "coping mechanisms." They work - most of the time. Sometimes the anxiety is so overwhelming that it takes over even my best efforts and tools.

So what do I do in the meantime?

I remind myself how lucky I am. Everyday, I tell myself that it will be OK. I remind myself that my God is bigger than any of my problems. I pray. I hope. I talk to my friends. I let myself cry and then I move on because letting anxiety win is just not acceptable.

I have far too much to live for.

Start listening

When horrific, tragic events like the shooting in Orlando occur, I'm always hesitant to post, here or anywhere else. I understand why people do. Many want to express their sorrow or anger, or just their support for the affected community. Some feel the effects personally. Some want to help in any way they can, no matter how small.

The problem I have seen, and the reason I avoid posting, is the comments that follow. The bickering over gun control or religious freedom or whether or not our President is a mole (Seriously!?) or whether or not people in the LGBT community are sinners or whether or not God was at work... It goes on and on and on. The arguments feed the hate and the anger, until both have a life of their own. Instead of using the tragedy as a way to come together, we allow it to tear us apart.

People who share opinions are instantly labeled: Conservative or liberal, republican or democrat, LGBT-friendly, religious, Christian, Muslim, pro-gun, anti-gun. Labels lead to assumptions; we automatically assume that because we know a person's political affiliation or religious practice, we must also know where he stands on gun-control or LGBT rights.

Assumptions are natural, and labels are easy. I'm as guilty as anyone. I read comments and I automatically assume I know where someone stands on any issue. I have leapt to the conclusion that disagreement is personal, and means we can not be friends.

But I have learned that why a person feels the way he does is just as important as what he feels - and how he chooses to express or act upon those feelings is more important than either.

I have also learned that although people may disagree on a defined political or social issue, that very well may agree that a problem exists - and they may even be able to find common ground on a solution.

My boyfriend and I disagree on a lot of political and social issues. It would be easy for us to label each other as insensitive or foolish or unyielding or hurtful. Instead, we take the time to share and listen. We talk about the issues - not about each other. We don't point fingers - we wonder out loud about what is happening and what should happen, and then share with each other why that may or may not work for everyone.

I have learned more about compassion and love and freedom and understanding and support from this one person than I have from all of the posts and articles I've read combined. He's wise and kind - and that's coming from someone who often disagrees with his point of view. I may not agree with him, but I absolutely respect him.

If I have learned one thing from spending time with someone who disagrees with me on so much, it is this: Nothing will ever change until we are all willing to stop fighting and start listening.

My with yous

I like to think I am a good friend, with whom it is easy to get along. I do my best to be there for the people closest to me. I'll even be helpful to people not close to me, if I can. I rarely argue, mostly because most things are just not worth the effort. I'm pretty laid back, in that I don't really care what time we meet, what movie we see, who drives, where we eat, etc. Actually, I don't care about much. *shrug*

But on the rare occasion something does matter to me, I know I can become difficult. I over-think, over-analyze, and I worry - a lot. If I get disappointed, I get sad and maybe even a little down on myself. It never lasts long, and to be honest, it's improved. But it's definitely in those times when I know for sure who really cares for me.

This past weekend, my church wrapped up its series on relationships. The message was about how we are not created to go through life alone. At first I was like, "Really? This week?!" But then it improved. Pastor Mike Mills told us throughout life, we will meet three kinds of people.

For yous are people who encourage us to be our best, and stick around in good times. They celebrate victories, but are generally not there to support us through our trials.

Use yous are those people who are only around to support their own agenda.

With yous, though... with yous are the people worth having around. They are the people who will pick you up when you fall, and carry you until you can walk on your own. They cheer when you're happy, and cry when you're hurt. They want the best for you, and support your choices, even if they don't always agree.

When I am my normal agreeable, accommodating self, it's tough to tell the for yous from the with yous. When I'm doing for others, even the use yous get mixed in.

But when I'm broken and defeated and disappointed, and struggling to pull myself up again... that's when my with yous stand out.

I'm not at all sure what I did to deserve such amazing people in my life... but I'm sure glad I have them.

Forever people

Friendship is weird. Think about it - who we meet sometimes seems pretty random. If you're like me, you probably meet new people all the time. Most just pass right by. But every now and then, you meet someone and stop. It's like you both decided, "Hey - I like this one. I think I'll keep it."

Even though it seems random and senseless, I personally think we meet who we meet for very good reasons. Sometimes it takes a really long time to understand. Other times, it's obvious right away. Sometimes, we never really know.

I feel like that's because it's not always about us. They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Sometimes the reason isn't ours - we're there to help someone else learn a lesson or get through a difficult time.

The downside of that is the potential to get hurt. I have shed quite a few tears over the hurtful words or actions of others. Sometimes, it just hurts when I lose them from my life.

I used to think those encounters were some sort of proof that I did not deserve happiness. The whole,"why me; what did I do to deserve that?" thing. But over time, I have come to look at these reason/season people as a blessing.

{Stop rolling your eyes. I'm being serious here.}

How wonderful is it to be in such a good place, I am strong enough to bring good into someone else's life? Even if it means a little temporary heartache - what better proof could there be that I am on the right path?

More proof I'm on the right track? In completely random, senseless ways I have met some amazing forever people. People I could call anytime, and I know they'd stop what they were doing to come help. People who, at different times and in different ways, have all helped carry me when I could not carry myself.

If I can bring them half the blessings they bring me, I'd say I'm doing just fine.

Keep it off the playground

Forgiveness is funny. It's one of those things we're taught when we're young - and we learn quickly. Someone hits us on the playground, the teacher makes him apologize, we say "apology accepted," and within five minutes we're back to playing.

It seems so simple. But then the mistakes and offenses get bigger. We deal with more than a sore arm. There's no one to remind anyone to apologize. Eventually, we forget how to forgive.

We start assigning value. Some things deserve an apology, and some don't. Some apologies are worth accepting, while others are not. We think we're hurting the other person by withholding that forgiveness; teaching him a lesson. We have completely forgotten how nice it was to return to the playground without anger or fear.

Forgiveness isn't something you pick and choose. It isn't a weapon or a lesson. A mistake is a mistake, and one hurt feeling is not worse than another. Forgiveness isn't a reward for an apology, or a long-standing friendship, or because someone is your favorite.

A forgiving heart is one that accepts hurt feelings and then lets the anger go. Forgiveness is a tool; a way to release ourselves from negative feelings and allow light back in.

Does that mean you never get angry? Does it mean that you allow yourself to be mistreated? Is a forgiving heart a weak heart? Of course not.

It means that you have the strength to realize that, at any given moment, everyone you meet is doing the best he can with what he's got. Sometimes that best falls short and leaves you on the losing end. Forgiveness means having the power to pick up the pieces, fix what you can, and move forward.

It keeps your heart light, and keeps those hurt feelings off the playground. So the next time someone says he's sorry, you won't be too hurt to say, "OK."

A wish for single friends

I'm just like anyone else (well, I mean, mostly). I believe relationships are a good thing, and a part of a happy life. The right relationship, anyway. I'm happily single, but I wouldn't mind finding a good, solid, healthy, happy relationship.

But until I do, I'm not going to just resign from being happy. There seems to be this popular opinion that everything in life is better when it's shared with a significant other.

Honestly, I resent the idea that I am somehow less of a person because I'm not one-half of a couple. I actually think that makes me more of a person...it takes a lot more strength to choose to stand on your own than it does to lean on the first person who comes along.

Besides, why does "someone to share things with" have to mean a significant other? If you have good friends and family, then you're never alone. Some of the best times of my life have been spent with friends - and not a date.


At a festival with no date -
and the flowers were still pretty.

But even when all my friends are busy, or when I just want to be alone - I'm not less happy. I still enjoy nice weather, good food, live music, movies, ballgames, parties - whatever I want. I can have the same fun that couples can (and often for half the cost). I don't even have to argue with anyone about what time we should get there, what time we should leave - or if we should even go at all.

I understand wanting a relationship - I'd like one myself. But people should want a relationship so that it can add to their happiness - not bring them happiness. Everyone sometimes feels lonely, and like something is missing. But you shouldn't always feel that way.

If you do, I wish I could wish it away. I would wish, instead, that you find peace and hope and happiness. I wish you find beauty in life and a million reasons to smile. If that means you need to find someone, then fine - that's my wish for you.

But how wonderful would it be if you could find all of that by yourself? There's truly nothing more empowering than realizing you can stand on your own - and also finding that, thanks to wonderful friends, you won't always have to.

As long as you enjoy your own company, you're never really alone.

Name the problem

I struggle with low self-esteem. I've actually struggle with it less as an adult than I did as a kid, but it still creeps in to my life here and there.

Around Christmas, our Pastor did a series at church called It's a Wonderful Life. His messages are usually quite powerful, and give me a lot of comfort. Two services in this series were about recognizing the bad spirits in your life, identifying them - and getting rid of them.

We've all heard "the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one." It's not enough just to say there is a problem, though - you have to give it a name. That's how you take away its power and figure out how to deal with it.

[Sort of like Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter series - not saying the evil wizard's name bred fear, which gave him tremendous power. Saying his name out loud was how good wizards fought him.]

When something has control over your life, you are going to make mistakes and miss opportunities. If you believe in God, and His plan for your life, you believe this is because you're giving control to someone or something other than God. Even if you don't believe in a higher power or plan of any sort, you still have to admit that if you're letting someone else steer the ship, then you're not living up to your potential or plan. Just because you're not in charge.

So what do you do? Name the problem. Whether you do it on your own, or through prayer, or counseling, or talking to your friends until they don't want to hear it anymore - identify the issue, give it a name, and figure out how to give it the boot.

Why did you make that bad choice, or let that thing happen, or say yes (or no) when you should have done the opposite? You know you knew better - so what was the problem? Once you can answer that question, you are on your way towards setting things right.

It's been a while

I haven't been around in a while. Truth be told I was going through some stuff...and work was busy...and then I found West Wing on netflix and the whole thing fell apart.

(For Christmas, X bought me a blu-ray player that streams netflix, among other things. Genius.)

Also, I've been hoping I'd be able to move this little corner of the internet over to the Times Union's corner, so though I was working on some posts, I kinda wanted to save them in case that came to fruition. It hasn't (yet, anyway). I'm sure when/if it does, I'll have something to say.

I was going to do the NaBloPoMo February prompts to get myself back in the groove - but the theme is love and sex, which I don't talk about too much (here, anyway). Maybe I'll do March over here - but in the meantime...


found it here


...back to why I've been gone.

December and (much of) January were not easy. Did you ever have someone in your life who dragged you down? But you really like this person, so you were determined to keep him in your life because darn it, you can make anything work? Who you don't want to walk out on because he needs you, and you don't want to be the bad friend who wasn't there to help?

That was my December and January.

It took a lot of soul-searching and crying and guilt (stupid Catholic upbringing) but I finally figured out that it was OK for me to look out for myself. I remembered that it is perfectly acceptable to protect my own happiness and my own self-esteem (and frankly, my own safety), and doing so does not make me a bad person or friend. I reminded myself that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong reasons.

So I drew a line in the sand a couple of weeks ago and said no more. No more tears, no more heartbreak, no more putting my life on hold waiting for something that was never going to happen.

I realized what I really want is better - and better is what I really deserve.

On my heart

I am not making resolutions this year - but I am writing a few things on my heart.

Found it here.

- I will not let the problems of others bring me down
- I will thank God each day for all that I have
- I will remember to tell my friends how important they are, and how much I love them
- I will approach each day as though it will be the best day of the year - because it just may be
- I will surround myself only with people who add to my happiness
- I will learn to value myself the way others value me

I see some changes in how I approach my work, relationships, health, and finances in 2013. I know what I need to do, and I plan to do so. If I set a schedule, I know I'll probably fall behind; if I make specific promises, I know I'll probably fall slightly short.

I figure if I approach it by reminding myself of the big things...the little things have a good chance of falling into place.

I will set monthly goals for myself...and do my best to achieve them. I won't be too hard on myself if I don't always get it quite right. There's still next time.

I'm happy to see 2012 go. I was starting to hope it was all an episode of Dallas, and any minute Pam was going to wake up and find Bobby in the shower.

That's not the case, which is fine. I'm going to tuck the lessons and heartaches and triumphs from 2012 in my pocket, and push forward.

I'm ready for 2013. Bring it.

NaBloPoMo - Hardest thing to say

I'm usually not at a loss for words. Occasionally, I'll be caught off-guard. Like, if someone makes an especially nasty comment to my face, I might not have a snappy comeback right away, because I'm so shocked at the nastiness. Of course, I can usually come up with one later - a friend used to call that "delayed intelligence."

Mostly, though, I say whatever is on my mind - but with enough of an edit-chip so as not to be that nasty person. Mostly.

But even the most out-spoken and upfront person can have trouble saying some things. For me, the word that is toughest to say is, "No."

Even this isn't absolute, though. For example, I'm pretty good at telling my family no - no, I'm not available for dinner that night; no I don't want to come to that party; no, I won't be contributing to that gift. I am nice about it, but firm, and they understand. I was nervous the first time I said "no," but it got much easier after I realized they would still love me.

I'm also pretty good at saying no at work - no, I can't work late; no, I definitely can't come in early; no, I'm not going to do your job for you. At work, they need me more than I need them - and everyone knows this. Saying no is not as big a challenge as it once was.

I don't want it to sound like all I say is no. I actually say yes quite often, because I truly don't mind helping out, or putting in extra effort, or going out of my way for those I care about. I'm just saying in these cases, I could say no if I wanted.

So when can't I say no? Relationships.

I'm not saying I just roll over and let others treat me like a doormat. I certainly don't say yes to every invitation, or requests for money or favors. But I say yes more often than I might like, because I'm all about putting the feelings and needs of others before my own.

Truth be told, I don't think saying no is as difficult for me as it is to simply stick up for myself. So, I might not exactly say "no" to someone - but I don't always stick up for myself, or tell people my feelings are hurt, or just flat-out get up and walk away when I should.

It's something I am working on - a good balance of sticking up for myself, and still being a kind-hearted, compassionate, considerate friend. I wouldn't ever want to say no and compromise who I truly want to be.

NaBloPoMo - Life changes

I feel like I've been in a constant state of change for the last four years. Divorce isn't easy; neither is transitioning to a new job after more than nine years because of a buy-out. Buying a house and a new car on your own are also pretty stressful.

And that was just the first eight months.

It's taken me this long, but I've recently been feeling like I'm finally turning a corner.

About a week ago, I had my tarot cards read. The cards showed that every aspect of my life is in a season of change and growth. They showed a recent loss that forced my hand, and triggered a lot of very positive choices and opportunities.

The cards also showed that a lot of this change is out of my control, and does not look the way I was expecting. They correctly predicted that this is intimidating to me. But - they also showed that if I keep myself open to the changes, there's a lot of good opportunities in every aspect of my future.

That's all good news. I suppose if I had to pick one area of my life that I'd really like to change, it would be relationships. I honestly hate to admit that here, but if I feel like I'd be lying if I said anything else, and I'd hate lying even more.

I'm not talking about a superficial change, like I'd really like a date for New Year's Eve (though that's true enough). I'm looking for a fundamental change; a complete overhaul of how I view  and manage relationships, and how I fit them into my life.

I want to figure out (and accept) the sort of relationship that I want. Then I want to learn how to make choices that will get me where I want to be.

The problem with changing this part of my life is ultimately, it is outside my control. I can make all the good choices I want; I still can't force the right person to walk into my life, fall hopelessly in love, and then live happily ever after with me.

I suppose the thing to do is concentrate on the things that are within my control. Like - just what does my happily ever after look like, anyway?

I'm working on it.

Words shape your life

From NorthwayChurch.tv

It's sort of funny to me how sometimes, the message at church is really appropriate and timely for me, and exactly what I need to hear. Other times, it's just down right eerie.

That's what happened this weekend, when my church started a new series called Words. The message this weekend was about how words can shape your life, and change your direction. At the end of the message, we all wrote down negative words that have been spoken to or about us - and then threw them away, and replaced them with the words God uses to describe us. 

It's a nice thought, and quite powerful. Honestly - I've been struggling a little bit with negative image, and figuring out how to see myself in a positive way, even when I get the opposite message. 

But truth be told, it's hard to use words like "redeemed" or "victorious" to replace words like "fat" or "ugly" and feel like I've come out ahead. I mean, I can be redeemed or victorious all day - it won't change my New Year's Eve situation. 

With regards to relationships, I was recently told that I need to stop with the negative thinking. If I start putting positive thoughts out, I will start getting some positive back.

I was told I need to stop thinking I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough. I especially need to realize that the right person is going to look at me for my whole person. He will see that I've "got it all going on" - but I have to see that first.

I was told that I need to not assume every guy will be a jerk, and start giving the good ones a chance. I need to start listening to my instincts more, and have more faith in myself.

I guess the message is the same - I need to replace the negative thoughts with more positive, and start seeing myself the way I want others to see me. After all, I can't expect to get positive, good things in my life if I'm not putting out positive, good thoughts. Right? 

I think we're taught too soon, and for too long, to judge ourselves based on what others think. We choose how to dress, what to say, who to like - and more - based on how our choices shape the opinions of others.  

By the time we're old enough to figure out that the opinions of others shouldn't really matter...it's kinda too late to unring the bell. So what's a gal to do? 

I guess I could start by listening to what people who actually like me have to say. They'll tell me I'm pretty, smart, funny, talented, compassionate, generous, thoughtful, sincere...those are some nice words. Plus, I mean, let's face it - I obviously surround myself with the best people. If that's what they're saying...well, there's no way they're all wrong. Right?

Even bigger than listening to those words, is figuring out a way to silence the words of others. To completely discount the opinions of people who don't think I'm any of those things. When someone says or does something that makes me feel less than what I know myself to be...he needs to go. 

I need to remember that I have the option of seeing myself the way he sees me - or the way I know myself to be. Then I need to make the right choice.

Negative words will always be there. I guess the trick is to make sure the positive words are talking louder.

Marital advice...from me?

Baking Suit and Frank got married had a picnic with a judge this weekend. Master of Ceremonies GenWar (I definitely recommend you click that link, but maybe you don't click it at work) asked several of us if we would like to participate in the "drunk toast." As he explains, when people have a celebration of any sort, he feels that at least one friend should rise to the challenge of delivering a toast to the happy occasion in a less-than-sober state.

"I don't drink," I protested.

"That's fine. I'll take care of the drunk part," he responded.

Uneasy about the idea, I asked, "What would I say?"

His response? "Well I don't know, but at your birthday party I got to hang out with your ex-husband while he cooked, so I'm assuming you must be doing something right."

After a moment of reflection, I thought, "Somehow, I don't think this is the place or time to offer advice on how to remain friends with an ex spouse."

This exchange lasted for a few minutes, culminating with GenWar stealing my sparkly purple sunglasses and leaving me with his straw hat. I totally chickened out on the speech, because giving happy marital advice to a newly, happily un-married couple at their non-wedding wasn't something I felt I could do on the fly.

But, having had a pretty successful marriage for 9 years (we were married for 10, but that last year really wasn't very good), and having remained friends with said ex-spouse, I figure GenWar might be right (don't tell him I said that). I might have something of value to offer. So, having had a couple days to think it over, this is what I've come up with:

- Stay true to yourselves. Yes, you will both grow and change, and that's OK. Life would be boring if we always stayed the same. You fell in love with each other for who you really are. Stay true to those feelings, and true to who you are - the rest will always work itself out.

Source

- Don't sweat the small stuff. Most of it is small. You're both ridiculously smart, so you'll know the big stuff when it comes. Tackle it head-on, as a team, and you'll be fine.

- Focus on each other. Yeah - family, friends, work, obligations...they're all important. Don't give them up. But at the end of the day, you and you are what matters most. Don't let anyone or anything come between you.

- Be honest. If you're doing something you feel you need to hide from the other person - you need to stop. Immediately.

- Don't discount each other's stuff. No matter how insignificant the other's collection may seem, if it's important to one of you, it should be important to both of you. The same goes for feelings.

- Don't give up what matters to you outside the marriage. Yes, I know, this is a little contrary to the point about focusing on each other, but it's a big part of staying true to yourselves. It's a balancing act. You'll screw it up once or twice, but keep trying and you'll get it right.

- Don't share a bathroom. Trust me - nothing good can come from this.

- Never forget to remember how much better your lives are because they've come together.

When all else fails - find separate corners until you can play nice.

Hello, my name is...

"Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." Sex and the City

In the car yesterday afternoon, I was thinking about how surprised people seem to be when they learn that Rock is a) my real last name (people often think it's made up) and b) my married last name - and I'm not married anymore.

I was trying to decide if I should write about the decision, and the apparent and unexpected fall-out, and the my friend Baking Suit posted this last week.. This is apparently a case of great minds thinking alike - and thus, this post was born.

I graduated college in 1996, engaged but not yet married. My last name was Ginett. Gi pronouned like give, nett prounounced like net. Prior to the commencement ceremony, graduates were asked to hand in an index card with our name written as we would like it pronounced as we walked across the stage. I wrote my name out; then I provided a phonetic spelling; then I provided examples of the correct pronunciation. My index card was given to an English professor with a PhD.

Who misprounounced my last name as I was handed my diploma.

I could not wait to get married and get rid of that last name. I love my family, and they are largely responsible for who I am as a person. But I wanted to be a Rock. Two years later, I would be.

Anyone who says that marriage doesn't change who you are has either never been married, or is living in a perpetual state of denial. I don't care how self-aware you are, if you lived together first, or what - being married changes you. Even just a teeny bit.

Since I married young, that was even more true for me. I hadn't even come into my own when I walked down the aisle, so I did a whole lotta changing in the ten years that followed.

Unfortunately, I learned that there was one thing that could change me more than marriage: Divorce. Four years later, I am most definitely not the same person I was when I got married, or even when the marriage started to end. But I am also not the same person who so happily marched down to the Social Security Office in July 1998 to begin the process of changing from a Ginett to a Rock.

So who the hell am I? Should I still be Sue Rock? Or go back to being Sue Ginett?

There was a time when I planned to change my name as soon as the ink was dry on my divorce papers. Of course that was also when I was angry with X, and dragging furniture to the end of the driveway on my own in a fit of...well....rage. Anger makes people do stupid things. I didn't need that bookcase, but I am very glad I didn't make any more lasting decisions while in that state of mind.

After things calmed down, and X and I started to develop a friendship, I saw things differently. Here are the factors that ultimately influenced my decision to keep my married name:

* Paperwork - I freaking hate it. Though it isn't terribly complicatd to legally change your name, getting it changed on bills, accounts, and even important documents (like the other diploma I received in 2008) is just a lot of work that I really don't want.

* Professional Branding - I'd already started blogging, networking, and other work, under this name. Changing it seemed like more of a hassle. Not to mention - Rock is just a cooler name than Ginett. Sorry, Dad - but it's true.

* Personal Branding - Most of my closest friends know me as Sue Rock (with a few exceptions). They'd probably keep referring to me that way, even if my name did change. So what's the point?

* Family Ties - X doesn't have a lot of family. My family loved him as though he was their own, and he loved them too. I can't speak for him, but I still consider X a part of my family (and I know my family feels the same). I feel like it's nice for him to have at least one other Rock around.

The bottom line is this: I came into who I am as a person with the last name Rock. It more closely identifies with who I am today, and I like the name. It's mine; I earned it, and I'm keeping it. So there.

Now, are there any circumstances under which I'd consider changing my name? I can think of only two:

Sue Jeter - has a nice ring, dontcha think?

* If X got remarried - Out of respect for the new Mrs. Rock, I might change my name, if it mattered to either of them. I doubt that it would (I'm not a Mrs., I'm a Ms., so she'd still be the only Mrs. X Rock around). But I'd be gracious enough to at least consider the change.

* If I got remarried - If I knew then what I know now, I'd never have changed my name in the first place - but I can't unring that bell. Still, I'd understand if my imaginary-future-husband (or as I like to call him, Derek) was uncomfortable with the idea that his wife's name was given to her by her ex-husband.

In that case, would I change my name to his, or just go back to my maiden name? I'm not sure. But I do know if I ever do this again, it will be the last time.

Anything to keep the paperwork to a minimum.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Twenty Five

The challenge for day twenty five.... Something that you miss.

I thought and thought about this challenge. The truth is....as much as I like my things, I don't miss things. In life, I think things come and go, and are easily replaced.

Sure, some things carry a sentimental value, which is irreplaceable. But even if you lose a sentimental item, those feelings and memories aren't lost. Eventually, I think you find you don't really need the item to hold onto the memory.

So what do I miss? People. I have a terrible time letting go of people in my life.

They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I do believe that...and I know there are people who've come into my life who weren't meant to stay forever. But that doesn't make them any less important.

In fact, sometimes those "reason or season" people are the most important, and bring the most good and the most happiness. Then suddenly - they're gone.

I never take it well. Eventually, I come to terms with what is, and accept that these weren't "forever" people. I accept it - but sometimes, I still miss them.

I've never been good at goodbye.

When to ask for help

At the beginning of the summer, I was going to buy a new lawnmower. I wanted something self-propelled, that would make quick and easy work of my lawn.

Source

The purchase wasn't in my budget, so I put it off, figuring I'd make do with the reel mower I already own. At that point, I had someone who said he'd be happy to help me get my gas mower started. That help would mean quicker and easier work, and me saving money. Score!  

But sometimes life forces you to pivot and change plans quickly. That help no longer available, I resorted to using the reel mower. See, no help with the gas mower also means there's no help to assemble or maintain a new mower. The idea of lugging the huge thing all over my yard, and having to figure out how to change the oil or fill it with gas wasn't appealing to me at all.

X has offered his help more than once. Thing is - it's not his house anymore. Even though we're friends, and I know he'd help anyway he can, I can't expect him to drop everything and come running anytime something needs fixin'. The only person who is responsible for the house at this point is me.

I totally believe that part of being successful and happy when you're single is knowing when to ask for help. No one can handle everything on her own, and if you try to live up to that standard, you'll fail miserably.

That doesn't mean you cop-out on yourself. There's probably plenty you can handle, that you maybe don't even realize. You should always be willing to try something new - and solo. If you succeed, the ego-boost is immeasurable.

But I already know I can't assemble a power tool that weighs a 100 pounds (or whatever), or change its oil, or fill it with gas. Or, more accurately - I probably could, but I'm not interested in trying to learn.

So, I did what any single gal should do when she's faced with a seemingly-daunting task. I asked myself, "What would Dad do?" A lot of daughters would probably find Dad in her backyard on Saturday, mowing the lawn himself.

Source

But I was raised by a single guy. He's not very domestic, and doesn't really do home maintenance. In fact, he lives in an apartment, and I bet it's been close to 40 years since he even had think about yard work.

But that doesn't mean that my Dad can't fix a problem (or inspire me to do the same).

So, on Wednesday, while I was safely tucked away in my air-conditioned office, moving papers and taking a nice long lunch, a lawn service came to my house. My lawn will be cared for each week, while I'm at work, and I'll be invoiced monthly. At the end of the summer, I will have paid about the same for this lawn service as I would have spent on that new lawn mower.

And it won't cost me my own time. 

Which proves a couple of things. First - being single is something anyone can manage. The trick is knowing what you can (and want to) handle yourself, who you can trust enough to ask for help, and when you just need to throw a little money at a problem and make it go away.

Second - it proves that no matter what, the one guy a single gal can always rely on is her Dad.

Fly like an eagle

I think most people assumed I would have stopped going to church by now. I know everyone assumed I would have stopped after the last couple of weeks.

But I haven't. I like church. I also like its message - even if I don't always agree with what they say or how they say it.

This weekend, our Pastor started  a new series called Guardian. It's about "protecting what's most important." Being Mother's Day weekend, he spoke about how moms (all parents, really) are charged with not only protecting their children, but preparing them to become adults, and eventually parents. 

He read a passage from the Bible (don't ask me which; I can't ever remember, and I don't take notes because I'm too busy listening) about how a mother eagle prepares her nest, protects her babies, and then shakes things up so they learn to fly (I'm obviously paraphrasing). 

Pastor Buddy says that's the Bible's way of directing parents to do the same - protect children, but also teach them how to fly on their own. 

I'm not a parent, and it's not very likely that will ever change, so the message about how to protect my kids was sort of lost on me. But since the whole thing was in the context of the Bible and God's word, it did get me thinking....

If we're all children of God, and He loves us, and is trying to teach us - is it possible that when life hands us an obstacle, that's really God's way of stirring the nest, and forcing us to fly? Are tough times really just His way of teaching us something new, and making sure we're prepared for what's next? 

That's sort of comforting, in a way. Yes, bad stuff is gonna happen; but we already know that's the case. It is nice to think that the bad stuff isn't really a punishment, or because we don't deserve better. It's comforting to think that maybe it's just there to prepare us for something even better. 

And that something better might be just around the corner. All we have to do is learn to fly.

Depression hurts

No, this is not a post about Cymbalta.

People don't like to talk about depression as a disease. They talk about it as a "mental health issue" - something from which a person suffers, just like she might suffer from low self-esteem.

Sometimes it is. Situational depression is a "response to a specific set of external conditions or circumstances." Someone dies; you get depressed. You lose your job; you get depressed. The thing about that sort of depression is you can point to something and say, there's the cause; and you know it's temporary.

But clinical depression is different. It's a constant state of despair, with no real cause - and no end in sight.

It sucks.

But people don't see it as an illness. Many think people who suffer from depression are weak. "If you need a pill to get through the day, don't bother..." is the attitude most people have. "Just get some exercise or take a vitamin; you'll feel better."

No, I won't.

It's a health problem, just like anything else. You take a medication for a thyroid condition, or allergies, or high blood pressure; I take one for depression. Actually, if you want to get technical, I take a low-dosage medication that treats both depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Living in a constant state of worry is tough - and doesn't do a darn thing to help with depression.

I take medication because my body (and brain) can't get me to the "normal" level most others can get to naturally. Does that mean I'm never sad, or worried? Of course not. It just means that without the medication, I see everything as cause for worry and sadness. With the medication, I'm as "normal" as the next person.

Stuff can still make me sad - and if it's really bad, my mind might not know where the sadness should end. I'm just now starting to come out of a terrible period of both depression and anxiety, that was definitely situational.

To be perfectly honest, it was scary as hell. Thankfully, I have friends who supported me. I keep telling them thank you and they say, "Oh, it's nothing; that's just what friends do."

That may be. But I hate to think what might have happened if I hadn't had my friends - or my medication - during the last couple of weeks.

So the next time someone tells you she's depressed, don't shrug it off, or suggest she just get herself to GNC. It might be a bigger deal than you realize.

The nicest thing

There are a lot of nice things someone can say to you.

• You look nice today.
• I really like that hairstyle.
• I love that outfit.
• You did a great job on that project.
• I love how you decorate your house!
• Your kids are so cute/well-behaved.
• Your cats are precious. 
• What would you like for Christmas/your birthday?

I could go on. But by far, the nicest thing I think a person can say to you - especially when it's sincere - is: 

Are you losing weight?

So to the person who said that to me this weekend - you're the best. It won't be forgotten.

I've still got a long way to go, but it's nice to know I'm on the way.