Always something

Have you ever heard someone say, "It's always something."

In my experience, it's usually an older woman, and she's usually shaking her head when she says the words. She usually just got bad news for herself, or heard a family member telling a sad story of his own.

I'm never really sure if she is saying it because she empathizes with someone going through a difficult time - or because she doesn't really care, but has nothing else to say, and feels like she needs to say something.

I heard it the other day, and I found myself wondering - why don't I hear people saying "it's always something" when they get good news or hear a happy story? Or is it just that some people always see the bad?

Like, if I tell them how I had a really nice weekend, that was quiet and peaceful. Or how I was able to hang out with Joe, enjoy my deck, and even get a little sun. Or if I share how canceled Friday plans turned into a lovely Sunday night. Or about my geat Sunday afternoon nap. Or even how when a few people did bug me, it was comical and I was able to laugh.

I'm sure some people would hear all that and think, "Oh that poor girl - she spent a weekend alone, getting stood up and napping with her cat! And a few people bothered her...I guess there's always something."

When the truth is, there really is always something - to be thankful for.

Not a good Friday (and a fill-in)

So far today, I've been lied to, spoken to rudely, been asked stupid questions, been given stupid answers, and led on a wild goose chase by someone who is supposed to know more (than me).

That all happened before I finished breakfast.

Here's a fill-in....

1. I use my phone for everything.
2. Pitch Perfect is one of my favorite movies.
3. It's still early.
4. I need time to myself.
5. I said hello, and then he said goodbye.
6. Peace and quiet is what I'm craving right now!
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to putting a smile on my Little's face, tomorrow my plans include the gym, and Sunday I want to sit at home in silence.

Words shape your life

From NorthwayChurch.tv

It's sort of funny to me how sometimes, the message at church is really appropriate and timely for me, and exactly what I need to hear. Other times, it's just down right eerie.

That's what happened this weekend, when my church started a new series called Words. The message this weekend was about how words can shape your life, and change your direction. At the end of the message, we all wrote down negative words that have been spoken to or about us - and then threw them away, and replaced them with the words God uses to describe us. 

It's a nice thought, and quite powerful. Honestly - I've been struggling a little bit with negative image, and figuring out how to see myself in a positive way, even when I get the opposite message. 

But truth be told, it's hard to use words like "redeemed" or "victorious" to replace words like "fat" or "ugly" and feel like I've come out ahead. I mean, I can be redeemed or victorious all day - it won't change my New Year's Eve situation. 

With regards to relationships, I was recently told that I need to stop with the negative thinking. If I start putting positive thoughts out, I will start getting some positive back.

I was told I need to stop thinking I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough. I especially need to realize that the right person is going to look at me for my whole person. He will see that I've "got it all going on" - but I have to see that first.

I was told that I need to not assume every guy will be a jerk, and start giving the good ones a chance. I need to start listening to my instincts more, and have more faith in myself.

I guess the message is the same - I need to replace the negative thoughts with more positive, and start seeing myself the way I want others to see me. After all, I can't expect to get positive, good things in my life if I'm not putting out positive, good thoughts. Right? 

I think we're taught too soon, and for too long, to judge ourselves based on what others think. We choose how to dress, what to say, who to like - and more - based on how our choices shape the opinions of others.  

By the time we're old enough to figure out that the opinions of others shouldn't really matter...it's kinda too late to unring the bell. So what's a gal to do? 

I guess I could start by listening to what people who actually like me have to say. They'll tell me I'm pretty, smart, funny, talented, compassionate, generous, thoughtful, sincere...those are some nice words. Plus, I mean, let's face it - I obviously surround myself with the best people. If that's what they're saying...well, there's no way they're all wrong. Right?

Even bigger than listening to those words, is figuring out a way to silence the words of others. To completely discount the opinions of people who don't think I'm any of those things. When someone says or does something that makes me feel less than what I know myself to be...he needs to go. 

I need to remember that I have the option of seeing myself the way he sees me - or the way I know myself to be. Then I need to make the right choice.

Negative words will always be there. I guess the trick is to make sure the positive words are talking louder.

Discovering Christmas

I have no idea how it happened, but somehow, The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas has escaped my Christmas specials radar all these years. It makes no sense; it was made in 1973 - so I should have been watching it all along.

Thankfully, someone introduced me to it this weekend.

The bears are all supposed to begin hibernation at half past December, but that means they'll miss Christmas - again! Theodore E. Bear (Get it?) doesn't want to miss it this year. Instead of going to sleep, he stays awake and goes in search of Christmas.

Ted gets to the big city and who should he bump into? Santa, who explains:

Christmas is a very important thing to discover - but you won't find it on a map. It's inside yourself. 

You see, Christmas isn't a place or a thing, or even a time. It's something you carry around in your heart; a way of acting towards others, a way of feeling about the world. Christmas is a way of giving.

I used to get caught up in the "stuff" surrounding Christmas. I let obligations and responsibilities ruin what the season should really be about. Spending my first Christmas solo several years ago, that point was driven home; it's a lesson I won't soon forget.

This Christmas is different; I'm getting a chance to really experience the holiday as it should be - not crazy shopping (though I'm doing my share of that), over-spending, running all over to please others, or killing myself with decorations.

I'm spending my holiday enjoying the people most important to me - and cherishing the time we have together.

I'm discovering Christmas.

Distractions

My Thanksgiving was great - hope yours was, too.

Normally, after I stuff my face with turkey and mashed potatoes, I spend the weekend decorating. Yes, it takes me that long.

But this year, I had other stuff to do. Important stuff - like hanging with a friend who is going through a rough time, and taking a day to visit my most favorite people, who I've been missing.

Plus, other, happy distractions.

Normally, I'd be a little upset that the house isn't done. I'd feel behind, and worried, and overwhelmed.

Instead, I keep thinking how change can be good. I keep thinking how easy it is to keep things the same, not take any risks, and how much we miss out on by staying safe.

Sometimes, we need a little change to get a little perspective, and find what we were missing.

So, this holiday, I'm most thankful for my distractions.

Mean is ugly

"Ladies, if your guy is hinting to you to step on a scale, give it back by handing him a ruler."

I got the quote from my friend; I'm not sure where she found it. I retweeted it, and a couple guys thought the logic was....flawed. In a nutshell, they felt that a guy should be entitled to concern over his girlfriend's physical attraction - regardless of his "size."

Like I said on twitter, if a man is small-minded enough to judge a woman by her weight, I'd be willing to bet his mind isn't the only thing that's small. Naturally, that's a generalization to make a point. The point about physical attraction is also fair. People come in all shapes and sizes, and not everything appeals to everyone.

My issue isn't that men don't find curvy girls attractive; I personally don't care. I'm curvy, and if you don't find me attractive, it saves me the trouble of having to deal with your nonsense. My issue isn't what one person finds attractive because opinions are subjective, and not really open to debate.

My issue is that no person (man or woman) should ever feel entitled to pass judgment on his significant other that way. That's the point of the quote - that everyone has something "wrong" with them; something they don't like, that makes them feel self-conscious. If you really care about someone, why would you exploit that?

The same topic came up over on Kristi's blog, and like I said there, if someone who I trusted felt the need to make me feel bad about myself - I can think of a sure-fire way to lose about 200 pounds of dead weight pretty quickly.

Because really - there's nothing uglier than a mean person. And even curvy girls don't want to be with someone who is ugly.

Something new

I want to write a review of a movie I saw a while back called Higher Ground. It's not my usual type of movie, but I was pleasantly surprised by how enjoyable and moving I found the story. I really want to share that with you - and I will.

Next week.

It's about 10 o'clock Sunday night and I'm tired, and anything I attempt to write needs to be a little lighter, in order for me to pull it off. But I did want to share a little bit about my day, which consisted of two things: Church and football.

I can honestly say that has never happened before.

I haven't gotten up to go a church service on a Sunday in over 20 years. In fact, unless someone died, got married or was baptized, I haven't set foot in a church since I was confirmed in 1990. I only got confirmed in the first place because it wasn't really presented as an option in my family.

As for football... You might recall, I started to try and learn the sport last year - and failed (though I did come up with a great list of football's finest.) While learning about cute boys comes pretty naturally to me, the rules of football do not.

I've basically shut these things out of my life because I wasn't interested, or didn't understand. I figured if it didn't come easily, why bother to give it a chance? I was pretty happy not trying anything new, and was perfectly happy devoting my Sundays to writing and shoe shopping and maybe housework.

Of course, every now life throws you a curve-ball, and you find a reason to let something new in your life. That happened to me recently, and suddenly, trying something new not only seemed like an OK idea - it actually seemed exciting.

So I did. Know what? It wasn't too bad. I'm not saying I'm ready to give up Sunday shopping altogether (let's not get crazy) - but I am saying that some things are worth a little extra effort.

Besides, if you never let anything (or anyone) new into your life, you never know what you might miss.

No Words Wednesday: Liars

The only thing that size on a guy who lies? His nose.

Pants on fire

Trust isn't an easy thing. We give it so freely when we're little, but over time, as more and more people prove they don't deserve it, our trust gets broken. The more broken it gets - the harder it is to give.

That's what makes it so awful when you think you're ready to trust again - and that person turns out not to be deserving. It sucks to find out that - once again - you messed up and trusted someone who turned out to be a liar. Then, of course, it is so easy to just blame yourself. "Well if I wasn't so stupid," or "What did I do to deserve this." The answer?

You're not, and you did nothing.

You're a good person; you had trust to give, so you did - because that's what good people do. If someone is dumb enough to not appreciate that, then he's the stupid one, not you.

People think that being a good liar makes you a smart person. The truth is, most of the time, there's nothing more difficult to understand than the truth. If you can figure that out - and then figure out how to share it - you're bound to be one of the smartest people you know.

There's nothing brave about a lie, either. The bravest people I know are those who are not afraid to admit they messed up; who are not afraid to say what they mean - and to mean what they say. It takes more guts to be honest than it ever could to tell a lie.

There's a reason why a liar's pants are usually on fire; he's running away from himself as fast as he can.

Time out

Ever have one of those days? All the little things go wrong, and then - just when you think you may have survived all those problems - you get one, gigantic kick in the teeth? To make matters worse - the kick came from someone you thought you could trust?

I did. I tried to write a post about it - but my anger kept coming out in my writing, and I couldn't make the post sound like anything other than pure venom. It happens. Be glad you're not him; and if you are him, be glad you're not standing in front of my car. [See what I mean?!]

So, rather than keep that up - I'm putting myself in a time out. I'll be back, when I can play nice with others.

Staying on track

Ever have a little shake-up in your life? Doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering, or even bad. In fact, it could be really, really good. But it still knocks you off balance?

Yeah, that.

I had a plan in place for how I would get to the gym more often. Then, things changed. New people in my life, new responsibilities with the job I actually like - all conspired against me to make sure that the plans I put in place didn't come together. All good stuff - but it knocked me off track.

That stops today.

I'm getting my bearings and will be promptly getting back on track. That's the thing with this whole "healthy" lifestyle thing. I can't let it get the best of me, or get down on myself if I don't do everything exactly the way I should, exactly when I should.

That wouldn't be healthy.

No one is perfect

The other day, I said to someone - No one is perfect; we all have our flaws. His response? "So what are yours?"

Interesting question. One I wasn't totally sure how to answer.

Personally, I think most of my flaws are physical. I'm too short, I'm too fat, my nose is too big, my smile isn't even, etc. But those weren't the sort of flaws he was asking about. To his credit, he was trying to have an interesting conversation. (It's worth noting that asking someone to think about their flaws is a good way to get them to stop analyzing yours....)

More like five 2's.... 

So I thought....

Then I realized I had just driven by about 15 parking spots because there were signs everywhere saying "No Parking Any Time." Even though dozens of other cars were parked, I was too scared to follow their lead. As I passed a car on the way to a parking lot, a man exited his car with his dog - on a very long leash. Before I knew it, the little guy was in the road - right under my car.

My reaction? Put my hands up in a "What the....?!" gesture, that was (I believe) accompanied by a raised voice.

So I turned to my friend and said, "My flaws? I'm inpatient, and have no tolerance for stupidity."

Then I stopped to consider my outfit. My bedroom looked like my thirteen-year-old self was visiting for the weekend - because, naturally, I had nothing to wear. When it came down to choosing a pair of shoes, I sent a picture to my friend to make sure they weren't "too sneaker-like" before finally settling on the complete ensemble.

I also remembered that the whole reason I was driving was because I wanted to make sure I had air conditioning on the warm day - and that I wouldn't forget to take Dramamine before getting on the boat. Also that I spent most of the night stressing over the fact that my nails hadn't gotten done the day before.

"And I might be slightly high maintenance."

Interesting question. What are your flaws?

Thirty Days of Me: Day Twenty-Two

The Thirty Days of Me project is explained here. The challenge for day twenty-two: What makes you different from everyone else?


Well, first of all, we're all different - and thank goodness for that.

When I thought I had it all figured out, I thought people who didn't were immature, or non-committal or selfish. I thought that because my life was in a certain order, I was done learning and growing - and that was just where my life was going to be. I thought there was a schedule, and wherever I was at a certain point - that was it.

Then I woke up from that dream and realized that I am, in fact, not always right. In fact - more often, I am not right. I have a lot to learn; a lot of growing to do; a lot of changes to make. It doesn't mean I don't have anything to offer - because I do. It just means that I can gain as much from my experiences and relationships and life as I can give.

I learned that the only constant is change. Life is always evolving, and the truly smart, together people know to change and evolve right along. I found that I can learn from anyone, and I found that what I thought was confidence was really just buried low self-esteem.

I'm not sure if that realization makes me different from everyone else. I'm sure it makes me different from some people - from those who do think they have it all figured out, and they always know best, and they have nothing left to learn. But I figure, eventually, it's a lesson we all learn. Some just figure it out sooner than others.

But different or not, my experiences - good and bad - are what make me, me.

What makes you different?

If you're going to send a picture...

...of your penis to a woman you met on a dating site, here are a few things you should do:

• Make sure she does not author a blog (or two) where she might be willing to post the picture - alongside your user name.
• Make sure you are tougher than (or can at least out run) the man she has on reserve to attack men boys like you. Related...
• ....Make sure she does not subscribe to an internet service that allows her to find you using the contact info you so foolishly gave up.
• Make sure she does not have ample access to the single women in your community. If she does, she can (and will) tarnish your dating pool (if you haven't already).
• Make sure she doesn't have the resources available to otherwise make your life a living hell.

Most importantly?

• Make sure your "subject" is impressive enough that you want it displayed. It takes a boy of very small character to attack a woman this way. No point in proving how small you are everywhere else, too.

Or, you could always look for a woman who might actually be interested in some random guy's goods. I hear there's plenty out there.

Thursday Thirteen - What's so great about being single?

When you're not single by choice, it's sometimes tough to remember the positive. I thought maybe a cheat-sheet would help.

• No sharing closet space.
• The bathroom is all mine.
• I get the bed all to myself.
• I can eat ice cream right from the container - even when I'm sick!
• No discussions about how to spend money.
• No mandatory family events (other than my own).
• No coordinating escape plans for the family events I do attend.
• I make all my own plans.
• I don't have to be nice to anyone if I don't feel like it.
• I don't have to watch Rocky movies.
• My cats like me best.
• No awkward, public conversations when I'm fighting with someone, but have to pretend like I'm not.
• No one has to "put me in charge;" I just am.

Have any to add?

Fight fire with fire

I used to be the type of gal who was motivated by other people's opinions. My decisions were largely based on what others thought was best, and what they thought of me.

I, apparently, am starting to get over that hang up. I must have happened when I became undeniably single and was forced to really look myself in the mirror, figure out what I liked and what I didn't, and started making changes. Suddenly - there weren't opinions other than my own - and that became my new motivation.

This, I have found, is a good news/bad news story.

Of course, it's very healthy to live for yourself, on your own terms, and not worry what others think. But I was really hoping that by blogging about my fitness goals, I would find motivation to actually go to the darn gym. I thought if I added a level of accountability, by having to "face" you guys, I'd do it.

Not so. Apparently, my strive for self-esteem has started to work, and I'm actually happy with myself. Go figure. So while that's good news, it turns out, I'm not influenced by fear of judgment, ridicule or criticism. I need a different motivator to get me to the gym.

However, as luck would have it, I have found one: Annoyance.

Annoyed with my job. Annoyed with finances. Annoyed with family drama. Annoyed with men. That would normally make me want to hide under the covers with a pound of dark chocolate.

Not this time. This time, I decided I'd try something new. They say exercise can fight off depression - and since I knew that a string of oh-so-bad crap in life can bring on a bought for me, I thought I'd fight fire with fire this time.

So I did. And - I can't even believe I'm writing this - it's actually working. Who knew?

I will still eat movie popcorn. I still need to flip the ratio on my water/diet soda intake. I will always like chocolate, and cheese and bread. But I have discovered a few healthy eating tips, and managed to incorporate those into my diet. I have definitely stepped up the exercise in a way that's manageable and beneficial for me.

Will I lose weight? I have no idea. Remember, the scale is broken - and that's not the goal, anyway. Will I get healthier?

I think I already am.

Friday Five: Things about me

No Follow Friday Fun blog recommendation today - unless you want to count this link to the How About We... dating blog.

How about we... is a dating site that centers around picking a date activity. Users suggest a date (how about we....go to a museum, or how about we....go fly a kite) and other users gauge their interest based on the suggestion, rather than the person looks, age, interests, etc.

It's a cool idea. Once I created an account, I started getting weekly emails with date suggestions, all of which seem to be from Brooklyn. I accept this as confirmation that either the site is still growing, or they need a lesson in the geography of New York State.

There was an interesting topic on the site a couple of weeks ago - a blog titled 5 Things You Should Know Before You Consider Dating Me. It got me thinking - if I was going to give someone a heads up, what would I tell him? So, here's a Friday Five to make you laugh.

*********************

No AC?!? Ugh, when's dinner?

I refuse to live without central air conditioning. Humidity is not my friend - and I get cranky when I'm uncomfortable. 

I have terrible arthritis in my knees. If you're thinking, "She's walking so slow!" you're right. Either leave me behind, or build extra time into your planning. Why are we walking everywhere, anyway?!

Some surprises I like, others I don't Surprise flowers? I like. Surprise party, meaning I didn't know and therefore didn't wear my cute outfit? I dislike. Here's the catch: I expect you to know the difference.

Hunger affects me the same as heat and humidity - cranky, unless it's controlled. So, basically - I like to be comfortable. 

Of course my closet doesn't look
like this. It's not nearly that organized.

I love my shoes, and closet space is precious to me. Yes, I need all five seven ten pairs of black heels, and no, it is not open for debate. 

I have some fine qualities, too. If I can think of five, I'll share those next week.

What would be on your list?

Bottom line about underwear

A while back, I was asked to write about my opinion on women wearing "sexy" underwear - just for themselves.

Why not, right?

My take, which may come as no surprise to anyone, is that anything a woman does to make herself feel sexy or beautiful should always be done for herself. Yes, if you're in a relationship and someone is going to see (and admire) your undies, it's fabulous if he'll like them, too. (Though, the results of an embarrassingly unscientific pole poll [Thanks, John!] show that most men don't really care; they're more interested in what the material is covering.) 


"So if the guy doesn't care - why bother?"
"But if there is no guy to impress - why go to the trouble?"

...Are the questions most women normally ask.

My answer? Self-esteem begins and ends with you doing things for you. If it makes you feel good to wear lacy underwear and a matching bra - do it. If wearing a thong makes you feel more sexy - go for it.

The thing is - the more sexy and beautiful you feel, the more confident you'll be. The more confident you are, the more comfortable and at ease you'll be. If your goal is to find a guy to admire that lacy thong, this is the first step. What guy wouldn't want to be around a confident, comfortable woman?

Only one that isn't worth your time in the first place.

No Words Wednesday: Retail therapy

It works.

Three-way mirror

I was at the mall this weekend, in search of this bloggers panel event that I'd been told about - but which was either canceled or very well-hidden. In any case, I took that as a sign that the universe really wanted me to have a new dress.

In my favorite store, I found this wonderful dress that was fun, pretty and feminine, without being frilly. I liked the shape, and it looked like it might be flattering on me. But I always worry, especially when it's a new style. My appearance is something I worry about constantly. I'm not the sort of woman who can wear just anything and look good - and I'm always afraid I don't quite measure up.

Does this make my butt look big?

One of the things I like best about this store is the three-way mirrors in the dressing rooms. That way, I can make sure the outfit looks good okay from every angle. After all, we make impressions coming and going.

When I was ready, I brought my selections to the counter. The woman in front of me was (apparently) having some sort of fashion challenge and couldn't find what she needed in the store. Hey - I can relate. You try shopping for clothes when you're short and curvy. I need Indiana Jones as a personal shopper whenever I'm looking for jeans.

Anyway, I guess the woman was frustrated that neither this store, nor the other two in the area, had the item she wanted. Fine. But she was taking it out on the sales-clerk - which makes me uncomfortable. Then, she turned on me. She was very pretty. She definitely would not need Indy's help to find an outfit that would look nice on her. She gave me this nasty look, looked down at my purchases, and sneared - and of course, the ugly-duckling in me immediately felt this big.

Do you ever scratch your head at moments like these? I do.

I get it - problems and issues are frustrating. They distract us and we let them make us forget ourselves. We're all guilty of getting caught up in our little world sometimes. As though, if we have a problem and someone else doesn't - that somehow makes our problem that person's fault. That's ugly, though. I mean - it's not as though my actually finding a dress I like is the universe's way of punishing this woman. But there she was - blaming me for her troubles.

It's really too bad life didn't have a three-way mirror that could follow us around, and show us when our bad side is showing.