If only

At church on Sunday, we started a series called "Forever Young." For the next few weeks, the Pastor will talk to us about maintaining a youthful spirit, even in a world constantly trying to age us with stress and worry and pressure. 

He started talking about if only... You know - I could be happy, if only...I had a husband; I had a child; I had a better job; I had a bigger house; I wore smaller jeans. 

If only.

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately, though not in the context of keeping myself young. More about how I used to look at life that way - and now that I've changed, how easy it is for me to spot someone else doing the same thing.

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I used to think that all I needed was that next thing, and all my problems would be solved. Then I lost everything that I never knew mattered - and learned happiness doesn't come from what you can get. Happiness comes from appreciating who you are, the people around you, and what you already have.

But that's a tough thing to say to someone else. No matter how badly I may want to teach, it's the sort of lesson a person has to learn on her own. Some people (like me) have to lose it all before they can see what they really have.  

It's heart-breaking, though, to watch someone bounce from goal to goal, getting more and more lost, because even as she gets that next big thing - she's not any happier. She doesn't feel better about herself, her life isn't where she wants it to be, and she's losing ground with the things she thought she'd achieved. 

If only she could see the her I see. The beautiful, smart, confidant woman who is a good wife and a good mother. The woman who does for others without thinking of herself. The woman who is good at her job, who juggles without dropping and can make magic happen for her kids. The woman who has the guts to get up there and do something in front of others, even when she's afraid. The woman who isn't afraid to learn, and try, and be wrong - and keep going.

If only she saw that woman, and loved herself the way others love her, she might finally find happiness.

If only.