Vacation perspective

I love vacation. I love not setting an alarm, not worrying about cleaning or laundry or grocery shopping. Not dealing with work. I love the escape.

But it also comes at a price for me. I worry about the planning, and finding stuff to do that we will both enjoy. I worry about travel, especially if we're flying. I worry about my kitty being home alone. I work extra the week before and the week after because that's the nature of what I do.

But the pros definitely outweigh the cons, and in the end - I love vacation.

Something else I love? The perspective. Recently, I was able to take a trip and learn a few things along the way.

The only things in FL not wearing mouse ears.

"Cold" means different things to different people in different places...

... but Florida people have no idea what it means to be truly cold.

I like to be in an area full of stuff to see and do....

... but prefer to find that stuff off the beaten-path. A less hectic, less "touristy" destination is much more my speed.

It is possible to walk 70,000+ miles in a week and still gain 3 pounds...

... but only gaining 3 pounds on vacation is still an awful lot like losing weight. 

There is always going to be something to worry about, or some source of stress...

... but you can't let that stop you from loving life, and making memories.

Moving target

Ever find yourself thinking, "Why me?" Or, maybe even worse, "Why not me?"

We've all been there. You look around and it seems like everyone else has their stuff together. Right job, right relationship, right home - whatever. Then you look back at yourself and you think, "What happened here? Why don't I have that?"

I think that feeling is normal - sometimes. The trick (I think) is to get some perspective before you're overcome with the overwhelming anxiety that can follow.

Happiness isn't really a destination; it's more like a moving target. Sometimes you're right in line with exactly what you want or where you want to be. Other times, you think you know - only to find that it isn't all you expected. So, you have to pivot, and adjust your aim.

If you're anything like me, you probably feel like you're always pivoting. Maybe you have found yourself wondering why you can't just have what you want?

I like to think that maybe I haven't hit my target because I've been aiming too low. I suppose it would be easy to think that I somehow don't deserve to just be happy like everyone else. But I prefer to think that my happiness isn't simple like everyone else.

Mine will be absolutely amazing.

So what's a lady to do while she waits, and sets her sights on amazing?

Think about all you have. Focus on all the happiness you've already found, and how much better things are than they could have been.

Remember -  your goal isn't to reach the end, anyway. Three months from now, "happy" could look completely different than today's target. That's not a problem for those of us who know how to adjust - just means there's always something to look forward to.

So maybe those of us who are always pivoting are the ones who have it right.

As good a place as any

Twenty years ago, 40 sounded ancient. I expected to feel old. I expected to be married, settled in a home, and in a career that was pretty secure. Instead, I'm....not any of those things.

Which, I then expected would make me feel sad. I thought I'd feel like a failure; like I'd let my life veer terribly off course, and I was going to lose a bunch of time as I tried to steer it back.

Turns out, much like my thirties, I was totally wrong about forty.

The year I turned 38 was a particularly bad one; 39 wasn't much better. More than one friend assured me I had nothing to worry about. Things get better at 40, they insisted. It's when life begins.

Still skeptical, I figured it couldn't hurt to at least try. I started envisioning what I'd like my life to look like at 40. As the date drew closer, I wasn't sure it would work out. I kept hoping, praying, keeping my fingers crossed. Then - poof! It all came together.

I used to look at 40 as an ending. It seemed so old, so final - what could I possibly look forward to after 40?

I've come to learn that is entirely the wrong way to look at things. The end should never be the goal. It shouldn't even be acceptable. We shouldn't look for endings; only new beginnings.

I started this blog to talk about the lessons I learned when I accepted that my life was never going to look the way I planned. I was a "30-something figuring life out - again. " As I'm no longer 30-something, I've been thinking this blog needs a new central message.

Since 40 seems to be a good place for my life to start over, I guess it's a good place for the blog to start over, too.

Here's to new beginnings.... 40 is as good a place as any.

Material girl

I'll admit it - I like stuff. If you know me well enough to have ever been in my house, that is not a surprise. I have a crap-ton of stuff - decorations, furniture, clothes, purses, shoes, jewelry... The list goes on and on - and on.

I suppose some people think that makes me materialistic. Well, I don't suppose - I know some people see me that way. Which is perfectly fine - stuff makes me happy, and I'm not ashamed. I guess the only thing I don't like is the implication that somehow makes me a bad person.

Dictonary.com defines Materialistic as:

Excessively concerned with physical comforts or the acquisition of material things, rather than spiritual, intellectual, moral, or cultural values.

See, what I object to is the idea that you have to choose between wanting nice things, and being a good person. Am I "excessively concerned" with my jewelry collection? Some might say so. But it's not like I'd sell a person into human trafficking to support my Stella & Dot habit. If I had to choose between making a donation to a worthy cause or shopping at Sephora - I'd probably alternate back and forth. Sort of a one for you, one for me kinda thing.

I may like "stuff" but I am very aware that it is not the most important thing in the world. I take good care of my shoes and clothes because I love them. But if I woke to find my house on fire, I'd grab my cats and get out of there - because in the end, I know stuff can always be replaced.

Without a doubt, volunteering is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I maintain healthy relationships with friends; I don't lie, I give advice or help where it's needed, and I'm polite. I go to church, where I'm reminded about what really matters. I read and keep up on what is going on in the world, which makes me very aware how lucky I am to be in a position to offer help to others, rather than needing to ask for help myself.

I know it's important to keep my spiritual, moral, cultural, and intellectual values in check. I know it's important to do what I can to make the world a better place. No one can fix everything, but we can all fix something.

I just don't see any reason why I can't be wearing cute shoes and earrings while I'm doing my share of the fixing.

Fast food for lunch

Sometimes I eat fast food for lunch. By "fast" I mean food that comes from a building with a drive-thru attached. I don't consider things like Panera or Chipotle (or Moe's, which I prefer) fast food.

The only fast food I really "like" is Taco Bell. I say like that way because it's not my favorite way to eat what passes for Mexican/Southwest Style food. I'd much rather go somewhere a little more authentic, or - brace yourself - even prepare something at home.

But sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with lousy parking or lunch-time crowds. Sometimes I'm wearing heels and there's no way I can risk having to walk what will feel like a mile to get food. Taco Bell is also the only place I can get Baja Blast Mountain Dew. It's also slightly less expensive than some other places.

Convenience and price are my major incentives, but of course, there is that whole I-want-to-live-longer-so-I'm-trying-to-stay-healthy bit. When I started counting calories, I had to cut down the number of times per week I allowed myself the convenience of a fast-food lunch.

Notice I didn't say eliminate; I still eat fast-food from time to time. I look up the nutritional information online and track the calories the way I would for any other meal. It just so happens that when I eat a fast-food lunch, I don't each much else for the rest of the day (and/or I make sure I can hit the gym after work).

You see - it's not all about convenience or price for me. I'm an emotional eater, too, and when I have a bad day/week/month, sometimes junk food makes me feel better. Not healthy, not normal, but whatever. Some people drink alcohol; I eat sugar and salt. It's definitely a vice, but I like to think I have many other fine qualities.

Since I'm having a spectacularly crap-tastic week, I decided to have junk for lunch today. It doesn't make me sick the way it does for some people. In fact, the only food that ever makes me sick? Vegetables. Go figure.

What could be so bad that a person needs to drown the sorrow in sodium, chemicals, and over-processed food that barely passes as meat? I'm glad you asked.

***Please note: The rest of this post is really just me whining. I don't expect to have anything productive or helpful to say, or lessons to teach. Feel free to stop reading. ***

* I'm sick. I believe I have a sinus infection. I'm not a doctor, but I do know my body. Twice a year (spring and fall) my allergies kick into over-drive. The congestion usually turns into bronchitis. Last spring it was an ear infection. Last fall? My eye got so swollen that it became infected from natural bacteria on my eyelid. I got a staph infection from my own body.

More than once, this bi-annual infection has manifested itself as a sinus infection. The swelling on the side of my nose, and the fact that it's red and warm tells me there some inflammation. The slight feaver and fatigue suggest an infection. Since my ears and chest are fine, and neither eye is bright red, I'm thinking sinus infection.

* So go to the doctor! (You might say.) I'd freakin' love to. But my doctor can't be bothered to see me on an urgent basis. Or, her version of urgent and mine aren't in sync. Since this is the second time that the office's limited hours and resources has forced me into the hands of urgent care, I'm in the process of finding a new doctor. In the meantime, I might need treatment before I can get an appointment. My urgent care copay is $150; it's only $25 for a doctor visit. I can think of a lot of ways I'd rather spend that $125.

Either way, I'll suffer through the rest of today. Urgent care will be there if I need them. I have a hair appointment after work - I've never been sick enough to miss a hair appointment.

* Did I mention that now I have to look for a new doctor? I hate paperwork. It stresses me out.

* Work has been driving me absolutely bonkers for the last week. I inherited a bunch of clients last spring, which has shifted my book and made 10/1 almost as busy a renewal date as 1/1. That makes September almost as miserable as December. Rush projects, last minute changes, tons of meetings - all while keeping up with the day-to-day stuff. It's a real bummer.

* Personal life. I have one. It's stressing me out right now. I dislike changes and I dislike uncertainty even more. I'm also pretty bad at commitment.

* One of my personal email accounts was hacked. Some person in Venezuela used my email to send some sort of link to a bunch of my friends. I don't know what the link was; I'm guessing some silly ad. It was annoying inconvenience, just not something I felt like dealing with this week.

I think that's all I have to share. Yes I realize I have it better than most people. My problems are nothing compared to what some have going on. I realize I'm lucky and blessed. Believe me when I say that not a day goes by that I don't remember to thank God for what's good in my life.

One of those good things is that I can eat comfort food, and as long as I track the calories, I don't have to feel too guilty.

Another is that I knew enough to create my own little corner of the internet, where I can cry if I want.

Find your passion

The other day, Joel Osteen posted this status on his facebook page:

If you are going to fulfill your destiny, you must do what God hardwired you to do. Make sure you operate in a realm where you are passionate.

I still say the guy smiles way too much, but I have to admit, a lot of what he says really makes a lot of sense.

My job is what one might consider a career. I've been doing it for over ten years and I'm good at what I do. It is an honest, challenging job that offers me a chance for advancement and growth.

Source

While that's all true - in reality, I'm a little burnt out. It's stressful work, that is either feast or famine. One minute, it's so slow in the office, I swear I hear crickets; the next, I can barely get out of my own way. There can be a lot of pressure, and sometimes my coworkers are just plain annoying.

Truth be told, if I could quit, I probably would. But my job is also a paycheck - and paychecks are a good thing to have, especially when you also have a mortgage. There are other perks; like a ton of vacation, pretty flexible schedule, and the (limited) ability to work from home.

But I'm not what you'd call passionate about my job. I show up, do what I have to do, and leave. I'm often on auto-pilot, and though there are challenges, I don't really seek them out. While I'm interested in doing my best, I'm not looking to do more than what's expected.

I do a little work for myself that I enjoy, and the writing that I do is pure enjoyment. I do find passion in those endeavors, but not the opportunity to really jump in with both feet. But Joel Osteen's comment about "operating in a realm where you are passionate" also got me thinking about the volunteer opportunities I've recently found.

Those will give me the chance to jump right in. The organizations I'm working with all need help now. I have my first volunteer assignment this weekend, and am already working on a mini-event fundraiser for another organization. I also know that the program coordinator at Big Brothers, Big Sisters has been calling my references, and I'm still hopeful I'll be matched soon.

It got me wondering - maybe I'll find my passion here. It may sound a little corny, but I'm very excited at the possibility I might finally be on a path to finding a true meaning and purpose in my life.

I think we all need one.

Help myself by helping others

So, like I said - it's up to you to help yourself out of a depression. Whether you do it by asking your friends for help, going to a counselor, changing your diet and exercise routine, or adjusting your medication - it all starts with you. No one else can make the decision that you're going to help yourself.

During my whole deep-depression, a fabulous friend suggested that one way to help myself was to help others. Get involved; volunteer.

I thought about it. Then I thought about it some more. The more I thought - the more sense it made. What I need is a distraction; something to take my mind off of how sad I am, and give me a new focus. I need something to keep me busy; a reason to drag myself out of bed (when work just doesn't cut it) and face the day - especially on days when that's the last thing I want to do.

Volunteering does all of those things. As an added bonus - while I'm helping myself, others will also benefit.

But where to volunteer? My friend, naturally, had a few suggestions there, too. "You'd make a good mentor," she said. Now - I don't see myself as a great role model, but she is not the first person who has said that to me. They couldn't have all just been trying to be nice (right?!), so I started thinking that maybe it makes sense. I contacted Big Brothers, Big Sisters - and had an interview and orientation last week. That doesn't guarantee I'll be a match - but I'm excited at the possibility.

[SN: They really need volunteers right now - Littles are on a waiting list. Just sayin'...]


I also contacted a couple of other organizations - Girls Inc. and Upper Hudson Planned Parenthood. Both have some very interesting volunteer opportunities. I've been through the required training at Planned Parenthood and start on my first volunteer assignment in a couple weeks. I'll be interviewing with Girls Inc. later this week.

Why these organizations? My time is precious...even when I'm trying to fill it up any way I can. I want to be very careful about donating time (and money) to organizations that support causes important to me. Empowering girls, and teaching them to be strong, confident women is very important to me. So is encouraging and advocating for proper healthcare, and teaching women (and men) to make informed choices about their health.

Those things are important to me - and these are causes I can proudly stand behind. In the meantime - I'll be so busy, I won't have time to think about being sad.

That's the goal, anyway.

Fly like an eagle

I think most people assumed I would have stopped going to church by now. I know everyone assumed I would have stopped after the last couple of weeks.

But I haven't. I like church. I also like its message - even if I don't always agree with what they say or how they say it.

This weekend, our Pastor started  a new series called Guardian. It's about "protecting what's most important." Being Mother's Day weekend, he spoke about how moms (all parents, really) are charged with not only protecting their children, but preparing them to become adults, and eventually parents. 

He read a passage from the Bible (don't ask me which; I can't ever remember, and I don't take notes because I'm too busy listening) about how a mother eagle prepares her nest, protects her babies, and then shakes things up so they learn to fly (I'm obviously paraphrasing). 

Pastor Buddy says that's the Bible's way of directing parents to do the same - protect children, but also teach them how to fly on their own. 

I'm not a parent, and it's not very likely that will ever change, so the message about how to protect my kids was sort of lost on me. But since the whole thing was in the context of the Bible and God's word, it did get me thinking....

If we're all children of God, and He loves us, and is trying to teach us - is it possible that when life hands us an obstacle, that's really God's way of stirring the nest, and forcing us to fly? Are tough times really just His way of teaching us something new, and making sure we're prepared for what's next? 

That's sort of comforting, in a way. Yes, bad stuff is gonna happen; but we already know that's the case. It is nice to think that the bad stuff isn't really a punishment, or because we don't deserve better. It's comforting to think that maybe it's just there to prepare us for something even better. 

And that something better might be just around the corner. All we have to do is learn to fly.

Disconnected

I've heard people say that taking a break from social media is a good thing. That's it's nice to disconnect, not feel so obligated to so many sites, and people. To be able to just concentrate on the people and places right in front of you.

It sounds so...zen. Which, apparently, I am not.

RIP, Rosie.

My phone died. I love her. I got her last year, and named her Rosie, after the robot-housekeeper on the Jetsons. She's an HTC EVO Shift - and she's amazing. (Oddly enough, several months after getting - and naming - the phone, I found a factory-installed app called "Rosie Utility." Weird, right?)

After coming back from vacation, I started to notice Rosie wasn't holding a charge. I thought it was my charger. Then I thought it might be the battery. I replaced the battery - and promptly learned that wasn't the problem.

It took five trips to four different Sprint stores to figure out that the problem really was the charger port, that the phone needed to be replaced, and that I had purchased full protection, so that replacement would be at no cost to me.

But it also turns out that this particular phone is on back-order, so there's no guarantee the phone will be shipped right away. I have no way to charge my phone, and I was not successful in locating a standalone charger compatible with my battery. That left me two options - go without, or activate an old phone.

She's no Rosie - but she'll do.

I happened to be digging through a nightstand drawer that day, so I knew I had an old phone. When I say old - I mean old. It's a relic, from a simpler time. (OK - it's four years old; but in technology years, that's practically ancient.)

One more trip back to Sprint, and it was activated (SN: I attempted to do that myself online, but going back to a non-smart phone required a plan change, and I didn't want to nuts myself up for when Rosie II arrives.). I'm back up and running.

Sorta.

No apps. I can barely view a photo (the camera on this phone is 1.3MP). There's no browser to speak of, and if there was, the screen is too small anyway. This phone was built for text messaging - and nothing else, outside of actually making a phone call. I can't check facebook; I can't check in on foursquare. I can't record my calories on My Fitness Pal (though I suppose I could use the site; I'm just so used to the phone app). Twitter is near impossible, at least at work.

I'm in a forced social media cleanse - and not at all happy about it.

See, I don't really find social media to be taxing. I like feeling connected. I like being able to check my email, tweet a picture of my yummy dinner, comment on my friend's status, find a movie and buy a ticket, and get directions to a theater all from the palm of my hand. I don't consider that an intrusion.

But I also don't let it rule my life. If I'm having fun with a group of people (or just one special person) - I have no problem putting the phone down and ignoring the notification light. If I need some time to myself, I can totally focus on a movie, or a project, or a baseball game - and not think about my email or facebook, at all.

I don't mind being disconnected. I just don't like when it's not my decision.

Rocking chairs

"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere." Glenn Turner

I have a to-do list. It's been growing and growing and growing for the last week. I love when I can cross things off - but I have to admit, watching it grow was getting a little overwhelming.

I'm normally not the person that gets stressed over too much to do, and not enough time to do it. I think it's because of my job. If I've learned one thing over the last eleven years, it's that worrying will do you no good, and everything will get done when it gets done.

So, I stressed a little; I complained to Cute~Ella a little (she's so good at listening); finally, I ate a little chocolate.

Then I remembered the time when I was a little girl, and I was sitting in the rocking chair in the living room in our old apartment. It was a huge - like a lazy boy on rockers. I liked to really get it going, and pretend I was on a ride at an amusement park.

One day, I had it going too good - and it flipped backwards, with me in the chair. Ow. Like my Dad said, "I told you to stop rocking like that!"

I reminded myself how much I hate rocking chairs because all they really do is cause trouble. They don't get you anywhere.

It's amazing how much easier it is to check things off the list when you stop rocking worrying.

No Words Wednesday: Perspective