Tired

I'm so tired of bad news. I'm tired of people being shot, harassed, murdered. I'm tired of terrorists and criminals, and I'm equally tired of corrupt good-guys and actual good-guys being made to look bad. I'm tired of people labeling others based on the color of their skin, the color of their uniform, who they love, where they worship, where they work, or how they vote. I'm tired of finger-pointing and name-calling.


I may not agree with your choices. I may not understand them. You may not agree with or understand mine. I still don't understand why that matters. Why do we need to agree? I'm tired of trying to figure it out.


I am 100% sure there are people out there who believe others should be killed for the color of their skin. I am 100% sure there are people out there who believe others should be punished for who they love or how they live. I am also 100% sure there are people out there who believe all police are corrupt, evil, and should be killed.


I am reasonably sure those of us who just want a safe, happy, peaceful world outnumber all of those people. (I wish I was 100% on this one, but I'm just not.) I just don't think we all agree on how to get started.


Here's a picture of my cat, being all happy and peaceful. Coincidentally, he also looks tired in this photo. I figure we need to find a way to get on the same page. Everyone likes Joe, so maybe this is a good place to start?







Start listening

When horrific, tragic events like the shooting in Orlando occur, I'm always hesitant to post, here or anywhere else. I understand why people do. Many want to express their sorrow or anger, or just their support for the affected community. Some feel the effects personally. Some want to help in any way they can, no matter how small.

The problem I have seen, and the reason I avoid posting, is the comments that follow. The bickering over gun control or religious freedom or whether or not our President is a mole (Seriously!?) or whether or not people in the LGBT community are sinners or whether or not God was at work... It goes on and on and on. The arguments feed the hate and the anger, until both have a life of their own. Instead of using the tragedy as a way to come together, we allow it to tear us apart.

People who share opinions are instantly labeled: Conservative or liberal, republican or democrat, LGBT-friendly, religious, Christian, Muslim, pro-gun, anti-gun. Labels lead to assumptions; we automatically assume that because we know a person's political affiliation or religious practice, we must also know where he stands on gun-control or LGBT rights.

Assumptions are natural, and labels are easy. I'm as guilty as anyone. I read comments and I automatically assume I know where someone stands on any issue. I have leapt to the conclusion that disagreement is personal, and means we can not be friends.

But I have learned that why a person feels the way he does is just as important as what he feels - and how he chooses to express or act upon those feelings is more important than either.

I have also learned that although people may disagree on a defined political or social issue, that very well may agree that a problem exists - and they may even be able to find common ground on a solution.

My boyfriend and I disagree on a lot of political and social issues. It would be easy for us to label each other as insensitive or foolish or unyielding or hurtful. Instead, we take the time to share and listen. We talk about the issues - not about each other. We don't point fingers - we wonder out loud about what is happening and what should happen, and then share with each other why that may or may not work for everyone.

I have learned more about compassion and love and freedom and understanding and support from this one person than I have from all of the posts and articles I've read combined. He's wise and kind - and that's coming from someone who often disagrees with his point of view. I may not agree with him, but I absolutely respect him.

If I have learned one thing from spending time with someone who disagrees with me on so much, it is this: Nothing will ever change until we are all willing to stop fighting and start listening.

No argument here

Recently I've been in a couple of conflicts, with two unrelated people. In both cases, I came into the situation with a completely different perspective and recollection of what had happened to get us to the point of conflict.

Both were convinced I was in the wrong.  My views were "skewed." I was laying blame. I was being selfish, doing things only to make myself look good to others.

I disagreed with both. While I absolutely know I can be selfish, I truly didn't think I was in either case. While I do an awful lot to make myself look better, this comment had more to do with actions than a Sephora purchase. As for my views... I could have listed example after example in support.

My first inclination was to do just that. I wanted to rise to the argument, and defend my feelings, perspective, and actions. But I didn't.

Sue from a few years ago may have. She may have found herself in an all-out shouting match, making sure everyone understood exactly why she was right.

Present-day Sue just can't. I let that instinct settle, and then pass. Not just because I wanted to avoid the conflict, and not at all because I didn't want to stand up for myself. Definitely not because I thought I was wrong - it all came down to feelings, and I'm as entitled to mine as anyone.

I didn't argue because I honestly didn't see the point. Both people came at me prepared to fight. They were never going to back down. The louder I protested, the louder they would have argued. All that accomplishes is a bunch of yelling and no listening - which has never, ever solved a problem.

I guess I've come to realize that if someone doesn't care how you feel, simply speaking your mind more loudly isn't going to change theirs. It's not unlike raising your voice when speaking with someone who doesn't understand your language. You can repeat yourself as loudly and as often as you want - to them, you simply don't make sense.

So I never argued. I never defended myself. I let both people walk away thinking I'm selfish and awful and that I don't care. Which, is what they already thought anyway.

I'm not sure if that's me being selfish, lazy, or mature. You can decide for yourself - I won't argue.

Keep it off the playground

Forgiveness is funny. It's one of those things we're taught when we're young - and we learn quickly. Someone hits us on the playground, the teacher makes him apologize, we say "apology accepted," and within five minutes we're back to playing.

It seems so simple. But then the mistakes and offenses get bigger. We deal with more than a sore arm. There's no one to remind anyone to apologize. Eventually, we forget how to forgive.

We start assigning value. Some things deserve an apology, and some don't. Some apologies are worth accepting, while others are not. We think we're hurting the other person by withholding that forgiveness; teaching him a lesson. We have completely forgotten how nice it was to return to the playground without anger or fear.

Forgiveness isn't something you pick and choose. It isn't a weapon or a lesson. A mistake is a mistake, and one hurt feeling is not worse than another. Forgiveness isn't a reward for an apology, or a long-standing friendship, or because someone is your favorite.

A forgiving heart is one that accepts hurt feelings and then lets the anger go. Forgiveness is a tool; a way to release ourselves from negative feelings and allow light back in.

Does that mean you never get angry? Does it mean that you allow yourself to be mistreated? Is a forgiving heart a weak heart? Of course not.

It means that you have the strength to realize that, at any given moment, everyone you meet is doing the best he can with what he's got. Sometimes that best falls short and leaves you on the losing end. Forgiveness means having the power to pick up the pieces, fix what you can, and move forward.

It keeps your heart light, and keeps those hurt feelings off the playground. So the next time someone says he's sorry, you won't be too hurt to say, "OK."

I never lol

I communicate with a lot of people every day. Most of that communication is done in written form, whether it be text messages, emails, facebook messages or comments, tweets, whatever.

I spend most of my day reading - either these messages, or blog posts, profiles, or (if I'm actually working while I'm at work) contracts, letters, etc.

I consider myself a tech-enthusiast. I like technology, maybe more than some people in my age-bracket. Certainly more than some of the people with whom I'm communicating, since many of them are more old-school (read: older).

Many of them would still prefer a phone call or sit-down meeting. They have only entered the world of text out of fear they might be left behind. I, on the other hand, text, tweet, post, link, blog, and pin with the best of 'em.

What I don't do is talk in shorthand. I don't lol, idk, brb, or spell the word "right" as "rite." If I use you're instead of your, it's an honest mistake, and not because I don't know better.

Nothing chips away at a person's credibility with me faster than when he speaks in shorthand, uses lol to punctuate sentences, or doesn't know that an apostrophe makes a word possessive (except when it doesn't).

Sure, I get that technology makes a lot of this more acceptable. Save a character, or a keystroke! It shows you're on-trend. It suggests you can keep up with the conversation, no matter how quickly it's evolving or how "old-school" you might be.

But to me, that's a double-edged sword. In this techie culture, most first impressions are made through words read on a screen. Isn't it better for that impression to be that you care about your image, and how you present yourself? Don't you want people to know you're smart enough to know better, and care enough to take the time?

The way we present our message has become the new perfect outfit. It shows our style, our form, our image, and how we would represent our friends, family, and coworkers.

Lol is the text equivalent to wearing pajama bottoms when you go to the store. Just because other people do it doesn't make it OK.

NaBloPoMo - Hardest thing to say

I'm usually not at a loss for words. Occasionally, I'll be caught off-guard. Like, if someone makes an especially nasty comment to my face, I might not have a snappy comeback right away, because I'm so shocked at the nastiness. Of course, I can usually come up with one later - a friend used to call that "delayed intelligence."

Mostly, though, I say whatever is on my mind - but with enough of an edit-chip so as not to be that nasty person. Mostly.

But even the most out-spoken and upfront person can have trouble saying some things. For me, the word that is toughest to say is, "No."

Even this isn't absolute, though. For example, I'm pretty good at telling my family no - no, I'm not available for dinner that night; no I don't want to come to that party; no, I won't be contributing to that gift. I am nice about it, but firm, and they understand. I was nervous the first time I said "no," but it got much easier after I realized they would still love me.

I'm also pretty good at saying no at work - no, I can't work late; no, I definitely can't come in early; no, I'm not going to do your job for you. At work, they need me more than I need them - and everyone knows this. Saying no is not as big a challenge as it once was.

I don't want it to sound like all I say is no. I actually say yes quite often, because I truly don't mind helping out, or putting in extra effort, or going out of my way for those I care about. I'm just saying in these cases, I could say no if I wanted.

So when can't I say no? Relationships.

I'm not saying I just roll over and let others treat me like a doormat. I certainly don't say yes to every invitation, or requests for money or favors. But I say yes more often than I might like, because I'm all about putting the feelings and needs of others before my own.

Truth be told, I don't think saying no is as difficult for me as it is to simply stick up for myself. So, I might not exactly say "no" to someone - but I don't always stick up for myself, or tell people my feelings are hurt, or just flat-out get up and walk away when I should.

It's something I am working on - a good balance of sticking up for myself, and still being a kind-hearted, compassionate, considerate friend. I wouldn't ever want to say no and compromise who I truly want to be.