Small Favors

I've posted before about some of the less-than-stellar guys I met through online profiles. There were a few "jerky" moves that I left off the list because I thought they were worthy of their own post. Yeah - they're that good [I think so, anyway].

Carrie Bradshaw & her Russian.

I met "The Russian" online last July. [He actually was Russian and his name was tough to pronounce; I mostly like the SATC reference. :)]  We chatted online often, and we did so for several weeks before he asked me to go out.   

The thing was, although I liked chatting with him, I was having trouble getting over someone. So, even though I wanted to meet someone new - I didn't really think it was fair, and I cancelled our date. The Russian persisted, saying he'd "invested all this time" getting to know me, and to please at least give him a chance. 

On the advice of a friend, I relented and said we could meet. Great, he said. Then he asked if I'd like to chat online for a little while. Sure, I said - what shall we chat about? I suggested movies, music, or (as a joke) homosexuals in the military. [In retrospect, maybe I was trying to pick a fight, because I was so turned off from the whole "meeting people" thing. But, it was his choice and he could have just as easily picked music. So there.]

We started chatting, and the topic shifted to same-sex marriage. I've posted before about my feelings on this topic. Here was his take:

• Same-sex marriage threatens the value society places on the marital relationship 
• That value is responsible for wives being treated with respect, and given things such as health benefits, alimony, etc. 
• As a woman, I should oppose same-sex marriage because it's a threat to those benefits, which I (along with all women) need because we are the weaker sex....

I'm not sure if blood can actually boil, or if that is just a figure of speech. If it can happen, it was happening to me right then. I honestly can't remember ever being that angry with anyone (with the possible exception of my ex during our worst fights). But, wait - he wasn't finished....

• When I objected to his view of women as the weaker sex, he informed me that he expected me to react that way. Why? Well, you see, because American women have all become completely irrational. It's a side effect of the women's rights movement.

I about flew through the roof. Had it not been for the fact that my house-mate and her two small children were downstairs, I probably would have thrown my laptop across the room. I was that mad. Thank goodness for small favors, and we had this conversation via IM. If I'd had this conversation with him in person, there's a very good chance the title of my blog would be "My Life Behind Bars."  

Whew.

Anyway... What's my point? This was a situation where meeting and chatting online worked to my advantage. I'm sure The Russian was a nice guy in many ways, and I do hope he's found someone that makes him happy. I would not have been that woman, and I knew that from the beginning, which I think was probably the real reason I cancelled the date. I never wasted any energy in choosing an outfit, picking a venue, or forcing conversation. The entire, albeit short-lived, relationship took place online. I was free to talk with other friends, watch TV, read a book - whatever - while I took the time to find out he wasn't the guy for me. 

How's that for multi-tasking?

Lesson Learned

I have a friend who keeps asking me when it will be her turn to be happy. She's waiting for everything to fall perfectly into place and for her life to look the way she pictured it years ago. Can I tell her when that will happen? Of course not - I can't even tell her if it will ever happen. What I can tell her is that she can be happy whenever she wants to be; it's up to her to decide.

Her response is usually that does not work for her. That everyone around her has it so much easier and she has no one to help her. She never gets a break, and it's been one thing after another for several years - and she's waiting for her turn. She seems upset with me, like she wishes I either had a better answer, or I would be as miserable as she.

The thing is, I do understand how she feels. I used to feel the same.

For too long, I thought happiness was something I was searching for. I thought it was a goal; a destination - and I thought it was alluding me. People would say to me all the time, "You decide when you're happy" or "You make your own happiness." I thought - pffft, that's ridiculous. Happiness is what happens when you have x, y or z happen. Some of us just aren't that lucky.

It turns out that I was woefully mistaken.

Happiness isn't something you find. It isn't a place that you go, or a person that you meet, or a thing that you do. Happiness doesn't happen to you. It is a quality; a state of mind. It's how you feel; how you approach life. Happiness is your attitude - it's something you make happen.

My friend disagrees. Her take is that I'm happy because my life fell into place and everything just goes my way. Well that's just not the case. I suppose I could tell her that I don't always feel secure with myself or my relationships. I could let her in on the fact that my financial situation has it's ups, and some extreme downs. I could lay it at her feet that I go to a job every day that I hate, knowing that I'll likely be laid off eventually. I could also remind her of everything I had to go through to get to this point. All the low points that my life hit before I finally decided I was done letting others decide my feelings for me.

Just smile.

But then I'd have to shift my focus to all that negativity. I prefer to focus on the fact that I have a job, for which I'm grateful. That I've learned in the last few years how to feel better about myself, and found ways to meet people, so that I feel more confident in myself and in my relationships. I want to focus on the time I spend laughing and smiling - which I've never had before. I want to be happy that, even though I don't always have the money to do what I want, I have what I need, and that's more than many.

I want my focus to be on the good in life. More than that, I want to put good into my life, so that I get good back. Like it says here.

Most of all, I want to stop apologizing for having learned this lesson first.

Heart of the Matter

"There are people in your life who've come and gone; they let you down, they hurt your pride. Put it all behind you, cause life goes on; if you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside. I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter.... I think it's about forgiveness." Heart of the Matter, Don Henley

A facebook friend recently posted that she is still have trouble moving on from a break up that happened over a year ago. She was abused and betrayed by her ex, and was asking how others have dealt with being hurt badly, by someone whom you would have never expected to hurt you at all? It's a tough question, but something with which I have some experience. So I commented on her post.

"It might sound silly, but forgiveness worked for me. Once I forgave my ex, it no longer mattered that he'd hurt me or didn't love me anymore. I was free to move on." 

It made me think of the Don Henley song. The lyrics say just what I was trying to convey in my comment. A lot of people think forgiveness is about the other person; about letting him off the hook. As though, by forgiving him, you're saying that what he did is just fine.

I disagree.

I forgave my ex, yes. But I've never forgotten how hurt and angry I was when we went through the toughest parts of our split. I simply made a choice that I wasn't going to let it consume me anymore. 

I forgave him for my own sake, not his. I did it so I could get on with my life; so that I could focus on friendships (new and old), start dating, and learn to take care of myself, my home, do things on my own, etc. 

Sometimes, forgiveness isn't about the other person at all. Sometimes, it's about you letting go, and moving on. You owe it to yourself.