Listening Says a Lot

For years, I tried to hide my flaws. Then I realized I was doing myself, and others, a horrible disservice by pretending. I was setting false expectations, which would eventually lead to others thinking I had either been deceitful, or had been replaced with a pod person. So, now, I have a (basically) full-disclosure policy. Here are a few things people should know about me.

• I make a lot of mistakes
• I'm clumsy and not graceful at all
• My edit chip does not always work; and even if it does, my face usually gives me away
• If you don't want the truth, I'm the wrong person to ask
• I'm smart, but sometimes lack common sense
• I'm open-minded, but firm in my convictions (I'll listen to any point of view. If I feel strongly about something, you could convince me otherwise, but it won't be easy.)

I'm open to advice from people who I respect - but I'll be honest, this is a pretty short list. One thing I dislike is being told how to feel, or why my feelings are wrong. For example, I once went on a first date with someone who immediately felt the need to criticize the fact that I am a Yankee fan - but not an A-Rod fan. He dismissed my reasons, and spent the entire date trying to convince me why I should feel otherwise.   

Conversations like this made me feel like the other person didn't think my thoughts or feelings were valid. It also seemed as though they felt if I just listened to their wisdom, I would see the error in my ways. It felt disrespectful and judgmental. Which, honestly, caused me to shut down - or worse, get defensive.  

What you see depends
on how you look.

It's funny how time, and a few life changes, can affect your point of view. I'm no longer sure that people mean anything when they behave this way. In fact, I wonder if some people even realize what they're doing? It might be coming from a genuine place; they may actually be trying to help, and not trying to disrespect me at all. 

Why the change? I'm more open to people. I spend more time focused on what others think and say, and less time worrying about how it makes me feel. I'm also more secure in who I am and what I have to say - which has made me less concerned with what others think about me. [Although, I still care what those respected few think, and I'm okay with that.]

Something else I've noticed? The way I communicate is different. People listen to me more, and open up to me more as well. Is it possible, before I noted how I was being treated, that I might have been guilty of it myself? They say that traits you dislike in others are often traits you possess, but do not notice, in yourself. If that's the case, then it turns out learning to listen has made me a better communicator all the way around. Who knew?

But please note: I still don't like to be disrespected - and I think my ability to detect disrespect has also improved. Also, I won't ever like A-Rod. If you don't believe me, you could ask that guy from my date. If you see him, tell him I said hi.  

Impostor

I was in my living room one day last fall, chatting with a friend online. All of a sudden, a message pops up from someone who I don't recognize. Strange, I think - I haven't given this IM out to anyone in a while. I open the message, and it's a guy who says we met at an online dating site. Okay - maybe it was a while ago and he's just getting around to contacting me. We chatted briefly and then I ended the conversation. I never added him to my contacts, and I never approved being added to his.

A couple of days later, something similar happened; but with a different person. Then again - and then again. Finally, I ask one of them how he got my IM. His answer? "It was on your profile, silly!" 

I'm sorry?

With help from a guy friend who also had a profile on the same site, I found I had two profiles on this website - one that I had created, and one that I had not. The impostor profile used a nearly-identical user name, and was nearly accurate. Some of the facts were adjusted; it showed me as being a couple of years younger, with a two-year (instead of four) degree and it listed me as a Gemini, which is close, but not quite right. It displayed a picture I had once used on my real profile. And it did, in fact, display my IM/Email address prominently in the "About Me" section.

Great.

I emailed the customer service team and explained the situation. I asked them to remove the profile, which they did immediately. They would not, however, give me the email address that was used to set up the profile. Doing so would violate their privacy policy; if I wanted it, I'd have to present documents legally compelling them to release the information.

I let it go. First, I was actually happy that they had a strict privacy policy, to which they clearly adhered. Second, there really hadn't been any harm done. The only information shared was my IM/Email, and it's easy enough to block users. It was an annoyance more than anything. 

It did teach me several valuable lessons about meeting people online. Interested? Here they are, in no particular order.

~ Clean up your facebook profile, paying special attention to the contact information you're sharing. No matter how secure you think your profile is, the information you display is easily accessible - which makes it easily shared. I don't care how many hours you spent clicking all 80+ privacy settings - it's still the internet. 

~ Establish an IM/Email address that is not easily associated with you. Use that consistently when you share contact info with someone you meet online. Then you'll know for certain to whom you gave your contact information, and who might have gotten it  somewhere else. 

~ Google yourself. I know, it sounds so ego-centric [and a little creepy] but knowledge is power. Other people are doing the same thing, especially new people whom you've just met. You need to know what they're seeing, and you need to know what information is out there that you didn't share.

~ Search dating sites for yourself. I have girlfriends with online profiles who have told me that they routinely search the other female profiles to "check out the competition." I can honestly say that never occurred to me. I did start searching the female profiles after the impostor profile was removed - to make sure it never showed up again. 

Come to think of it - this might be good advice no matter how you're meeting potential dates.  

Hidden Agenda

I talk to people online a lot. All day, in fact. Most of the back-and-forth is normal conversation. A link is posted, a comment is made, and - poof! - a conversation is born. We're just sharing - sports, politics, entertainment, local interest...you name it, we chat about it. Not unlike any other community - except we don't have to dress up and no one is wasting any gas.

Every now and then, I'll catch an exchange between people that looks out of place. I wonder how I would feel if I knew my significant other was having that conversation with someone other than me. It's all public, so anyone could see what I'm seeing. But I think, if I were in different shoes, would I be worried about what was happening in private?

I've had a couple of friends tell me that their online activity has created some problems in their relatonships. So, I'm not the only one asking these questions. But I do have some experience with this kind of thing, which gives me a unique perspective. I could go on and on about how it's disrespectful, hurtful, etc. to do anything outside your relationship that resembles flirting, or something that might spark another relationship.

I could. But I won't. Here's why.

No one is wrong to have a life. That includes relationships, of all kinds. The thing is, part of your "significant relationship" is listening to the other person and respecting what he has to say. If he comes to you with a concern and you ignore or dismiss him - now you're wrong. You may not agree that there is a problem - but you signed up to be part of the solution. 

Maybe your outside relationships really are crossing a line. Maybe you are being disrespectful. Or maybe, there's something else going on that's causing a lot of unnecessary worry. So, you fix that, and the rest falls into place. You'll never know until to you talk and work it out.

Every person, and every relationship, is different. What works for some won't work for others. But here's one rule that I think makes sense for everyone: Don't do anything you feel like you need to hide.