Email to 15-Year-Old Me

                                                                      Dear 15-Year-Old Sue,

I know you think that the way you're acting is okay. You think that no one notices you, and you act out for attention. The thing is, it's not okay, and it won't ever work. The only thing you'll ever do is attract attention from people that will be bad for you in the end. The best thing to do? Work up the confidence to find friends, instead of waiting for them to find you. You'll have more control over the situation, which will you give you the confidence you need to be yourself. You're a pretty cool chick, if you just let it show through honestly. 

While we're talking about confidence... I know you hate to be told to lose weight. It's frustrating when your family, who are all overweight and who also prepare most of your meals, tell you that you're too "fat." The thing is - your weight keeps you from feeling good about yourself. My advice? Lose it now, while it's easier. It will be tougher as you get older. Not to mention, your self-esteem is taking a big hit, and this will be a problem down the road. 

Regarding boys: They're a problem, and they will continue to be a problem. You're attracted to the sort that are rough around the edges. Bad boys, who Dad will hate. The irony? You don't want to disappoint Dad, so you hide your boyfriends from him. A hint: Dad's an awesome guy. You could do worse than to find a guy just like him. Good rule: If you're doing something you need to hide - it's probably something you shouldn't be doing. You will make some mistakes anyway - some lessons just have to be learned. One thing I ask: When Jim asks you out at 19, please say no? He's going to be awful, and hurtful and abusive. You don't deserve it, and the scars won't ever totally go away.  

Speaking of Dad - talk to him a little, okay? He really is a very cool guy. You'll find out later what it feels like to have your heart stomped on by the one person you thought never would. Then you'll understand why Dad stays so closed off from people. But he doesn't mean it towards you, and he really is proud of who you are. It's best if you know that now. 

Listen - in a few years, you and Marlena are going to have a falling out. Don't let it sit. You'll both be with men who are happy to let you stay away from family and friends, and they won't help the situation. I think some others are probably working against it too - people don't like how close you two really are. The thing is, she's a great friend and she's going to help you through the toughest time in your life. So, even if you do lose touch, don't ever judge her, or let her think you don't care. She deserves better. You'll see what I mean. 

There's not much I would change, but I would encourage you to go away to college. In addition to probably solving that whole Jim-thing I mentioned, it'll do you a world of good. Dad won't mind. He'll be sad when you leave, but he's prepared for it - I promise. You need to learn early-on that you can take care of yourself and that it's okay to be alone. Men, friends - even family - are going to come and go. You and me, we're going to be together forever. It's best if we learn to get along now. So, please stop avoiding it, okay?

Life is going to be hard at times, but you're going to do fine. When you feel like you're lost and you really don't have any push left - just give it one more, please? You're going to find out what it really means to be happy. It will make all the lessons you have to learn the hard way so worth the trouble - that I can promise.

The bottom line? Smile more and worry less. Life will come at it's own pace. Stop rushing to the next thing and enjoy where you are and the people you're with. In the end, that will make all the difference. 

Love,

36-Year-Old Sue

PS. Cut your hair. That 80's look is done, and I'm sick of buying all that hairspray. 

A Hug Never Hurts

I've been told that the fact that I don't have any kids means I know nothing about raising them. Eh. While I agree I don't know what it's like to be a parent - I certainly know what it's like to be a kid. The fact that I can still see (just about) everything through a kid's eyes, but with adult experience, gives me a pretty unique perspective on what kids think, need, want, etc. 

In some ways, I think parents get gypped. They're so focused on teaching their kids, they are rarely able to stop and appreciate all that their kids are teaching them. Since I'm the one without any actual responsibility, I can (and do) pay attention. 

Here are a few of my favorites.

• All cake should be birthday cake! (Nathan, age 3)
• Re: Food spilled on your shirt - I'm saving it for later! (Billy, age 6)
• If you say something mean, you need a time out. (Emily, age 2)
• I like the action, but the kissing parts are boring. (Billy, age 6)
• Re: Dating - It's a jungle out there! (Tiffany, age 5)
• Everything is better with chocolate. (Billy, age 7) [Side note - he learned this from his mom. Genius!!]
• Always say please and thank you. (Nathan, age 4)
• I may be too full for dinner - but never for ice cream. (Billy, age 7) [Mom again.]
• When you're tired, your family will carry you. (Billy, age 6 and Nathan, age 4)
• There's always time for a nap. (Emily, age 2 and Joey, age 5mos) 
• There's also always time to shop. (Tiffany, age 6)

Dude - do you ever listen?

Kids understand that right and wrong are usually pretty clear. They know that please and thank you are the right thing to say, no matter what. They get that life should be enjoyed; that we should stop to look at flowers and shiny things, even when we're in a hurry. They know that they can't always say or do anything to take away sadness or loss - but a hug never hurts. 

Wouldn't it be great if we all remembered those lessons?

Jerk Alert

It's my experience that getting to know yourself and what you want is as big a part of dating as meeting people. But obviously - meeting new people is sort of a given if you're going to date. I've mentioned before that I had some success in meeting people online. Most of the people I met were decent - but that doesn't mean there weren't a few 'jerks' in the mix.

The site where I met the most people is Plenty of Fish. It's a totally free website - so it makes sense there are more profiles out there, which means more people to meet. It also increases the jerk-factor. That's fine though - if part of dating is learning what you are looking for, then learning how to spot what you don't want is an important part of the process.

You may have met this guy if.... 

I was actively using my account to meet people for close to a year. In that year, I had some..um...interesting exchanges with guys. Everyone's taste is different, and a guy who I'm not interested in will probably end up being the love of someone's life. But I did come up with a few guidelines for jerk-spotting (in my humble opinion, anyway). Here they are, in no particular order:

• He repeatedly sends you the same email over and over (I'm talking word for word)
• He sends you that first "Hi, nice to meet you" email - after you've already talked (double-jerk points if he does this after you've gone on a date)
• He asks, especially in your first conversation, when you last had sex - and shares that same information about himself (overshare, my friend)
• He expects to get in your car and/or find out where you live on the first date
• He yells at you via IM for being a democrat
• He makes plans with you...and then cancels over and over
• He will only chat with you while he's at work (hint, hint) 

From my friend:

• He messages you after having met you while dating your friend
• He posts a close-up pic of his abs (or other body parts)
• He says, "You're nice and all, but you're too fat for me." (What the WHAT?!)
• He sports chin-strap facial hair

Luckily - most dating websites and IM/email services (I preferred Yahoo, myself) allow you to block users. My suggestion? Learn how to use this feature before you start contacting people. It'll save you a bunch of frantic key-strokes in the middle of your work day. Trust me on this.

Meeting people is tough - but it is so worth the effort. I met far more nice guys than I did jerks, and would not have traded the experience for anything.

What are your "he might be a jerk ifs?"