Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Just Before the Light

Most people would probably assume that the darkest point in my life happened during my separation. A few might think it was during childhood. A couple really close friends might think it was when things went south with my first post-separation relationship.   

There were some pretty bad moments - but none were my darkest.

The first date I had after getting separated was with a guy we'll call D. We went on one date - Starbucks, for coffee/hot chocolate. Over the next couple of weeks, he called a lot, but if I tried to make plans, he was "busy." Eventually, I gave up asking, and he stopped calling. I figured he wasn't interested, and I moved on. 

Oh, boy (or girl?). 
A few months later I "ran into him" online. I said hi and asked how he was doing. He responded with:

I got 

I figured he was going to say he got a new job, a new car...something. Seconds pass, and then this:

a girl pregnant. Life is a mess. Can't really talk.

Well, this was unexpected. Hallmark and Emily Post don't really have guidelines, so I responded as best I could. I said I was sorry things weren't going well, I hoped everything turned out for the best and told him to take care. [What would you have done?]

Fast forward three months...

I was having a pretty bad week. I'd just celebrated my 35th birthday alone with my bffs Ben & Jerry. I'd gotten some pretty harsh news via facebook and was just not happy in general. I opened up my email to find a message from D:

Subject: Great News!
Body: The kid's not mine! How are you doing?

I laugh now, but at the time, all I could think was: Seriously? I'm 35, soon-to-be-divorced, with a job and a house I don't really want, I've just been dumped via facebook and now I'm getting emails from guys that are happy about mistaken paternity. How is this my life?

I remember slumping on my bed. I think I fell asleep; the next thing I knew, it was light out. I'm not sure how much I actually slept that night, but when I woke up, I started thinking.  

If this stupid email - this ridiculous guy - was the worst thing that could happen to me, then I'd come a long way. I thought about how lost I was just one year before, and what I'd gone through to find my way back. That's the thing about hitting your lowest point - there's no where to go but up. Suddenly, you know there's not much left you can't survive.

That was my darkest point. I know because it came just before the light.


  1. That's a hell of a perspective. I love it!

  2. Thank you! I wish someone had been here to see the look on my face when I saw that email. I shoulda taken a self-portrait. Then I had a mini-meltdown. And then...it truly was like a shade was lifted on a window.

  3. As they say, "It's always darkest before the dawn".

    It's always nice to see the sun rise. Some days it means more than others. You had one of those days.

  4. I definitely did, and am grateful everyday. :)