Elevator buttons

I watched the movie Inception the other night. It still isn't my favorite, but since it only took me three viewings (over several years) to sort of get it, I'd probably watch it again.

At the end, my boyfriend asked, "So how many buttons are in your elevator?" I stared at him for a beat and he continued, "The buttons were regrets in life."

OK - I said I sort of got the movie.

I used to have a lot of regrets. I've regretted my contributions to my failed marriage. I've regretted dating men who ultimately hurt me (and some who just never seem to go away). I've regretted career choices, financial choices, and not sticking to a healthier lifestyle.

In the movie, the characters can use the elevator to visit moments they regret. This is presumably to try and relive, and possibly change, those moments (Though that makes little sense, because the elevator only appears in dreams. OK, it's possible I don't really understand this movie at all.)

But actually changing our regrettable moments isn't really possible, anyway - so maybe that's the point?

I came to the conclusion a few years ago that regrets were pointless. I can't go back to those moments and change anything. Honestly, if I could, I'm not even sure I would. There's no way to tell what else I would impact by making even the tiniest change. Why take that risk?

The truth is, life is nothing but a series of decisions strung together. Some good, some wonderful, and some regrettable. But even the worst choices can lead to a positive result.

Maybe I'm naive, or maybe I'm just fooling myself. But it seems to me that every choice - good or bad - is a chance to learn. What works, and what doesn't; who you are, and who you want to become. You learn what makes you happy, and where you want to be. Why would you regret all those lessons?

I have noticed that some of the worst things to happen in my life were preparing me for something so much better. At the time, of course, I couldn't know - and the pain or sadness felt like I'd made a huge mistake.

But knowing what I know now... Why would I regret anything that helped get me where I want to be?

Growing in my faith has taught me that there is a plan much larger than my own - and my regrettable moments are as much a part of that plan as everything else.

When you look at them that way, those moments aren't so bad, after all.

A jar full

I came across a post from last year in which I wrote a few "goals" (because resolutions never work for me) for 2015. Thought it would be fun to see how I did.

• Get a promotion (check - November 1)

• Earn a new designation (whoops)

• Travel to someplace I haven't been (check - a fun trip to Fenway Park in July and a lovely trip to Maine in August)

• Learn to make something in my crock pot (check - I made Buffalo Chicken Dip and chili for a party a few weeks ago)

• Add to my "Rememberlutions Jar" each day (check - not every day, but it's full)

• Self-publish a book (I started it, then  got distracted)

• Less searching and worrying (check - though this is a work in progress)

• More faith that things will work out on their own (check - also a work in progress)

• Napping - because napping is important (check)

• Make a few mistakes (check)

Make mistakes? I added that to a list of goals? The point was if you're not making mistakes, you're not trying anything new. I was telling myself to not be afraid of new people, places, or experiences, no matter how great the risk might seem.

For years, I've been afraid to trust anyone with my heart. I was afraid to let anyone in, because I'd been so hurt in the past. This was one mistake I wasn't willing to risk.

I thought the only way I'd ever let anyone in my life was on my terms - no compromise, no change. That way, I was in complete control and couldn't be hurt. No risk.

If you'd asked me last December if I was willing to set aside all my rules and deal breakers, let go of my worry, take a huge leap of faith, and let someone in - I would have said no.

But I did - and that one risk has brought more light, joy, happiness, and love to my life than I ever thought possible.

Now I'm looking forward to filling a jar for next year with even better adventures, places, and fun.

Here's to 2016 - and another jar full of mistakes!

Make some mistakes

I think the problem with resolutions is that we set our sights on the big picture, which is often overwhelming and takes a long time to achieve.

 

For the last few years, I've chosen a big-picture goal, and then gone about it by setting small tasks for myself to accomplish throughout the year. By giving myself manageable items to check off a list, I set myself up for success, and am more likely to actually achieve my big-picture result.

 

I'd like 2015 to be a year of big change. I plan to accomplish that by completing a few smaller goals:  

• Get a promotion (already applied)
• Earn a new designation (or at least start one - some take more than a year)
• Travel to someplace I haven't been
• Learn to make something in my crock pot
• Add to my "Rememberlutions Jar" each day
• Self-publish a book (or at least get it started)
• Less searching and worrying (this will have to be a day to day thing)
• More faith that things will work out on their own (more day to day)
• Napping - because napping is important
• Make a few mistakes (this should be easy, particularly with the crock pot goal - and the less worrying)

Why mistakes? Change requires that I do things I've never done, which means I'm bound to mess things up. In order to change, I can't be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, I make them a goal - which practically forces me to try new things. See what I did there?

 

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're doing something." Neil Gaiman

 

Cheers to 365 days of mistakes - make 'em count!

Stuff I learned in 2014

It's been kind of a long year. A whole lot has happened, yet in some ways I still feel like I am in the same spot. I figured out some things I want to fix, and I'm doing OK, but feel like I have a little ways to go. I thought it might help to look back at what I actually learned and accomplished in 2014.

 

I learned that positive thinking actually works. I allowed myself to visualize the way I wanted my life to look on my 40th birthday - and it happened. To be honest, I thought I had a hold of the whole positive thinking thing a while back, but I really don't think I truly "got" it until this year.

 

I learned that you're never too far gone to start making better choices. Earlier this year I made some horrible, icky decisions (yeah, it was pretty bad). I thought there was no way to recover from those mistakes, but have since figured out it was as simple as forgiving myself, and then saying, "no more."

 

I learned that my life will probably never look the way I thought it would. More importantly, I learned that's OK with me. My happiness doesn't have to be like everyone else's, it just has to make me smile.

 

I learned that my past might shape me, but it doesn't have to define me.

 

I learned that a person is never too old to learn patience. I also learned that patience is not an easy thing to learn.

 

I learned what faith really is - and I learned that it works.

 

I learned was reminded that the most important people are those who will tell you the truth, even when it is not what you want to hear.

 

I learned that when you build walls to protect yourself from the bad, you also block your blessings. Letting people in is a risk - but it's one that's worth taking.

 

I learned that a lot can happen in a year. I'm ready to see what might happen in 2015.

 

 

Take the first step

When I tell people I have faith, they usually give me the, "C'mon, you don't really believe in that, do you?" look.

Well, yeah, I do - or I wouldn't have said so.

But I understand the question mark. For a long, long, long time, I had zero faith. I thought things had to be forced into shape. If it didn't fit, I pushed harder. I thought faith was an excuse to be lazy, and not work for what you want.

Over the last couple of years, I have learned that faith is a lot of trust mixed with a lot of work. Faith means you keep moving towards your goal - while trusting that whatever happens is part of the plan.

You still have dreams and wishes. You still set goals. You still make plans.  You still do all you can to get where you want to be. Keep up your end of the deal.

At some point, you accept that you've done what you can. What remains is out of your control.

Then you keep moving forward, as if you know how things will turn out. That's faith.

What's meant to be will always find its way - but you need to participate.

Always something

Have you ever heard someone say, "It's always something."

In my experience, it's usually an older woman, and she's usually shaking her head when she says the words. She usually just got bad news for herself, or heard a family member telling a sad story of his own.

I'm never really sure if she is saying it because she empathizes with someone going through a difficult time - or because she doesn't really care, but has nothing else to say, and feels like she needs to say something.

I heard it the other day, and I found myself wondering - why don't I hear people saying "it's always something" when they get good news or hear a happy story? Or is it just that some people always see the bad?

Like, if I tell them how I had a really nice weekend, that was quiet and peaceful. Or how I was able to hang out with Joe, enjoy my deck, and even get a little sun. Or if I share how canceled Friday plans turned into a lovely Sunday night. Or about my geat Sunday afternoon nap. Or even how when a few people did bug me, it was comical and I was able to laugh.

I'm sure some people would hear all that and think, "Oh that poor girl - she spent a weekend alone, getting stood up and napping with her cat! And a few people bothered her...I guess there's always something."

When the truth is, there really is always something - to be thankful for.

My religion needs a name

I have yet to find a church with which I completely agree. The Catholic church is most definitely out. Other Christian faiths are nice, but steeped in formality and tradition - and when it comes to faith, I'm not really a formal kinda gal.

Non-denominational churches (like the one I attend) are less rigid. There's a more modern, "come as you are" feel to the message and service. Plus there's not a lot of that stand-up, sit-down nonsense, which is hard on the knees.

I don't like a message of a vengeful, angry, judgmental God. Yes, I get that in the end we're all going to be judged for how we lived. But I like the idea of a loving, faithful God who offers forgiveness and grace and guidance in life, if we just ask. I like to think God is there to help us get it right, not set us up to fail.

Most anyone who knows me knows I support same-sex marriage, and that equal rights is something I believe in pretty strongly. Many, many Christian churches don't support that idea, believing that the Bible defines marriage as something between a man and a woman, largely for the purpose of creating a family.

But I also believe in religious tolerance. I'm of the opinion that religions have to be allowed to believe and teach what they hold true. After all, I don't have to agree with your opinion, in order to agree that you have the right to have one. Still, I struggle with the idea that by supporting the church's right, I'm also inadvertantly supporting this belief, which goes against everything I hold true.

I think the church has an image of being a judgmental, closed-minded, and rigid institution where this sort of free-thinking and questioning is not tolerated. I think that image is what makes many turn away from the church, and sometimes the whole idea of religion. I know that's why I turned away for so long. I thought that if I showed any sort of belief, I was at best a hypocrite. At worst, I might be a harsh, judgmental, close-minded person.

It took a while, but I have been able to separate the ideas in my head. I have figured out that I can support the message, and have a relationship with God (which my church encourages) while at the same time maintaining my own politics and beliefs. My church delivers the message that you need to have faith, and believe in God and Jesus. It teaches us to bring them our problems, worries, and obstacles. It encourages us to ask God for help, so that we can be the person He intended. We are each a masterpiece, uniquely created by God in His image with our own talents and gifts.

If I believe that, then it follows that that my feelings about equality and tolerance are a part of God's image for me - and keeping true to those beliefs is a part of who I am meant to be. The only way to stay true to God is to be proud of my beliefs and my faith at the same time.

But I suppose, then, that means I'm not quite a Christian. Or at least, I'm not the "stereotypical" Christian. Which makes sense - most people are shocked to learn that I go to church each week. Let's face it - I don't live my life the way most Christians would choose, or find acceptable.

I've also learned that I don't need to be acceptable to other people, whether I meet them inside or outside of the church. I need to be acceptable to God. He is the only person who judges how I live my life. If I am true to Him, and the image I believe He has for me, than I guess I am doing something right.

That's my religion.

What I learned watching 'The Bible'

Though I was exposed to religion fairly consistenly from the ages five to twenty-two, in all that time - I never once read The Bible.

I'm sure passages were read to me. I even remember a lesson early on about how the numbering of verses works (though I couldn't repeat it now without a trip to Wikipedia).

Each week, I attend a church service where scripture is read, and then explained. I find it interesting to hear how it translates to real life. But again, that's having it read to me, and in short spurts.

A few months ago, a friend gave me a Bible (the first I've ever owned). I'd like to read it, but The Bible is a big book. Let's face it - my attention span isn't that long. I can't even finish a Stephen King novel.

So when I found out that The History Channel was showing a ten-hour series telling the story of The Bible, I thought this was my chance. The series aired in five, two-hour episodes, each Sunday in March. Sundays at 8 - I could totally do that!

So I did. I know a little bit more about the Book now, though I still find it confusing. Through church, and praying, and the series, and reading blogs, and just listening, I feel like I get the message a little bit better.

A few observations I made while watching (and sometimes tweeting) the History Channel mini-series:

• The Bible is disturbingly violent. I find it hard to believe that God condones that much bloodshed in His name. I think these people were, at times, way off the mark in the message.
• Along those same lines, if God had chosen more women as prophets, they may have gotten the message more clearly. Everyone knows most men only hear what they want, anyway.
• Samson had particular trouble making good choices, especially when it came to women. Had he joined Christian Mingle, and let them find "God's match" for him, a lot of problems could have been avoided.
• Abraham was the first dead-beat dad. That comment ruffled some feathers (maybe cause I made it at church) , but c'mon! He cheats on his wife because she can't get pregnant, and knocks-up some poor, young "servant" girl. Then his wife has a child - and he makes his first son (and his mom) go live in the woods? That's like an episode of SVU.
• I always knew snakes were evil, filthy creatures up to no good. Now I have confirmation.
• Say what you want about that Pharaoh, those slaves had one heck of a dental plan. Pearly whites everywhere!
• I still don't understand why everyone's arguing over that one patch of land in the desert. To this day, even! I think something, somewhere, went terribly wrong. I hope they fix it in the sequel.

I know, I know...I kid. Now you know why nuns hate me.

Nuns hate me

On one of the online dating profiles I have, the question is asked, "What is the most private thing you're willing to admit?"

My answer is, "Nuns hate me."

(In the context of an online dating site, it totally works. It gives people an opener. "Why do nuns hate you?" is a frequent question. Useful for me, too, because if they tack on an "lol" I know not to bother responding.)

Between a short stint at private school, religious education at a Roman Catholic church, and (for reasons having zero to do with religion) four years at a Catholic college, I was exposed to religion pretty consistently from the time I was five through my early twenties.

The one lesson that was clear through all this education: Nuns, do in fact, hate me.

I remember once asking my dad why that might be. His theory was that nuns prefer that people (especially kids) just take everything at face-value. Kids should do as they're told, believe what they hear (from the church), and not question anything.

My problem, he said, was I questioned everything.

I wasn't belligerent (at least, I don't think I was). I just wanted to understand. I liked knowing the whys and the hows about all the whats people were teaching. The problem is, when it comes to faith and religion - wheres and whens are easy, but not so much the whys and hows.

I didn't just believe what they told me or do what they said. If it didn't sound right, I questioned why. If they said God said something was wrong, I wanted to know how they knew. If they pointed to what they believed was proof, I questioned whether or not it might mean something else.

It wasn't that I didn't want to learn, or have faith - I just didn't want to do it on their terms. That, apparently, did not make me endearing.

That's fine. After a brief hiatus from religion and church, I have found a Christian church (not Catholic) that shares a message of a faithful, forgiving God who gives strength and grace to those who ask. I have found a way to have faith and believe and learn without having to compromise who I am.

Which, I believe, is what God really wants - for us all to be the the unique masterpiece he created us to be, and not a carbon-copy of everyone else.

Whether nuns like it or not.

I'm such a crab

Though I've had mixed results when it comes to psychics, tarot cards, mediums, etc. One area of spiritual interest that I'm finding more and more accurate is horoscopes.

I'm not necessarily talking about the daily what's-going-to-happen-today horoscopes - though those are sometimes accurate. Those seem pretty generic, and like they could be hit or miss for anyone on any day.

What I have found to be accurate is the characteristics and qualities that astrology attributes to each sign - and in particular, how people of each sign will interact with each other.

For example...I'm a Cancer. The fourth sign in the zodiac, Cancers ruling planet is the moon (which is weird, since it's not a planet), and the ruling element is water. By most counts, being a Cancer makes me:

Maternal
Nurturing
Domestic
Traditional
Moody
Introverted
Emotional
Tenacious
Strong-willed
Kind
Gentle
Emotionally manipulative
Sensitive
Thrifty
Devoted
Romantic

....and I wear my heart on my sleeve, should listen to my gut, and am used to getting my own way.

Now - anyone who knows me can tell you that just about every one of these things is true. While nurturing and domestic would suggest I'm a good cook, that's where our unique experiences come in. Do I cook? No, not really. But anyone whose ever been to my house for a meal will tell you there will be more than enough food.

Emotionally manipulative? I suppose, though I try to control those tendencies. Again, experience has taught me who I don't want to be. But if I wanted to be vindictive and manipulative to get my own way? I know a few tricks.

Thrifty? Not anymore, though I can be when I want to be. I've clipped coupons with the best of them.

As for moody, sensitive, introverted, protective, and used to getting my own way...

Who, me?

Mediums, psychics, cards - oh my!

I go back and forth on how much attention I pay to things like horoscopes, psychics, etc. I know some people consider it all the "occult" - even something as simple as checking your horoscope in the morning. Others aren't bothered by it, as much as they just think it's plain stupid.

Western religions have a real problem with all of these, saying they leave the door open for evil spirits. Don't get me wrong - I'm not about an open-door policy when it comes to evil. Even the idea of movies like Paranormal Activity 26 (or whatever they're up to) gives me the creeps. I'm all about surrounding myself with positive energy.

But aren't things like Feng Shui and karma also a problem for western religion? So, I mean, as long as you approach things with a pure, honest motive, won't you get pure honest results?

Found it here

In that spirit, I've visited a psychic, had a reading by a medium, and had my tarot cards read several times. I've done each with an open mind; never setting aside religious beliefs, but rather embracing the positive energy that surrounds us from every direction.

As for the idea that they are all "bubkis" - I think that's true sometimes. There are so many sources out there for this type of information, you're bound to run in to people who are just making stuff up as they go along.

I've had mixed results. I visited the psychic with some specific questions about a relationship, and she got it all wrong - but she hit on some other things that really made sense. My tarot card readings have all been pretty accurate (and fairly specific). The reading from the medium really did sound like Nanny was lecturing me from beyond, but it was vague enough that it's possible the medium could have surmised some facts about me and used those to make it up. Maybe.

I suppose there's no way to know for sure if these people truly have a spiritual gift, or if their real gift is just being able to read others very well. Either way, if you go into the experience with an open mind, you're bound to learn something, and maybe even take away a positive message.

Really, what could be wrong with that?

I give up

Today is the first date of Lent. That's a Catholic thing; I think it's also observed in other Christian denominations, but I'm not sure which.

I consider myself a Christian, but I haven't heard Lent mentioned at my church. When I was Catholic, I always forgot to give something up. If asked by one of the nuns, or my Grandmother, I scrambled and always came up with an answer like ice cream.

But a life without ice cream is like darkness and chaos, and I'm sure no God to whom I pray would ever want me to live that way.

So, this year, I've decided to give up the following:

• Procrastination
• Too much TV
• Avoiding the gym
• Too much junk food
• Paying attention to unkind words of others
• Rejection (in other words, I'm giving up caring when others reject me)
• Being too hard on myself
• Being too hard on others

Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone gave up judgment, lying, feeling bad and (nonconstructive) criticism for forty whole days?

Name the problem

I struggle with low self-esteem. I've actually struggle with it less as an adult than I did as a kid, but it still creeps in to my life here and there.

Around Christmas, our Pastor did a series at church called It's a Wonderful Life. His messages are usually quite powerful, and give me a lot of comfort. Two services in this series were about recognizing the bad spirits in your life, identifying them - and getting rid of them.

We've all heard "the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one." It's not enough just to say there is a problem, though - you have to give it a name. That's how you take away its power and figure out how to deal with it.

[Sort of like Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter series - not saying the evil wizard's name bred fear, which gave him tremendous power. Saying his name out loud was how good wizards fought him.]

When something has control over your life, you are going to make mistakes and miss opportunities. If you believe in God, and His plan for your life, you believe this is because you're giving control to someone or something other than God. Even if you don't believe in a higher power or plan of any sort, you still have to admit that if you're letting someone else steer the ship, then you're not living up to your potential or plan. Just because you're not in charge.

So what do you do? Name the problem. Whether you do it on your own, or through prayer, or counseling, or talking to your friends until they don't want to hear it anymore - identify the issue, give it a name, and figure out how to give it the boot.

Why did you make that bad choice, or let that thing happen, or say yes (or no) when you should have done the opposite? You know you knew better - so what was the problem? Once you can answer that question, you are on your way towards setting things right.

On my heart

I am not making resolutions this year - but I am writing a few things on my heart.

Found it here.

- I will not let the problems of others bring me down
- I will thank God each day for all that I have
- I will remember to tell my friends how important they are, and how much I love them
- I will approach each day as though it will be the best day of the year - because it just may be
- I will surround myself only with people who add to my happiness
- I will learn to value myself the way others value me

I see some changes in how I approach my work, relationships, health, and finances in 2013. I know what I need to do, and I plan to do so. If I set a schedule, I know I'll probably fall behind; if I make specific promises, I know I'll probably fall slightly short.

I figure if I approach it by reminding myself of the big things...the little things have a good chance of falling into place.

I will set monthly goals for myself...and do my best to achieve them. I won't be too hard on myself if I don't always get it quite right. There's still next time.

I'm happy to see 2012 go. I was starting to hope it was all an episode of Dallas, and any minute Pam was going to wake up and find Bobby in the shower.

That's not the case, which is fine. I'm going to tuck the lessons and heartaches and triumphs from 2012 in my pocket, and push forward.

I'm ready for 2013. Bring it.

Right place, right time

This morning, my neighbor couldn't start her car because it was so cold outside. She drives a new Mercedes. My little used Honda, with a million miles on the engine, started right up. I pulled out of my driveway and started my commute.

Less than two minutes from my house, I witnessed a pretty bad car accident. As I pulled over to call 911 and wait for help, it occurred to me that had I left my house just a teeny bit earlier, it could have been me in the car that was hit.

His airbag deployed; and I bet mine would have, too. When you're five feet tall, an airbag deployment is no joke. It's as likely to kill me as the accident.

Those two things are related somehow, in my mind. Somehow, I guess it all comes back to life is full of surprises. It's easy to get annoyed at the little things, but it's important to realize that everything really does happen the way it's meant to, and you really are right where you're supposed to be.

Just believe

It's not always easy to believe in life. Sometimes all you get are problems, questions, and heartache. Other times, you get some good, but it feels incomplete somehow...or just not quite right. You think, "I should be excited about this..." But you're just not.

Once in a while, something magical shows up. Maybe it's not packaged exactly the way you were expecting. Maybe it requires a little bit of work. Maybe it's up to you to look a little harder to find the treasure.

That can be easy to miss. Some say it's not worth it; that if it was truly good, it would show up perfect.

I think that's when you really need to believe.

Christmas is a time of miracles. It's a time for forgiveness. It's a time to set aside differences and worries, and just be happy. It's a time to start over. It's a time when wishes come true. It's a time when nothing matters but a smile on someone's face, or a little joy in someone's heart.

Christmas is a chance for something better; something that brings a little sparkle to your life.

But only if you believe.

The God I pray to

Unless you pay this blog undevoted attention, or stalk my foursquare check-ins, you might never guess that I attend a (non-denominational) Christian service every week. I don't really discuss the services with anyone. In fact, I barely even mention that I go, unless it's in passing (if someone asks what I did on Saturday, I might say "I went to church"). I'm certainly not your stereotypical Christian.

One of the messages we get a lot is that we should not be ashamed of our faith. That we should be proud of our relationship with God, and spread his word.

That isn't the only message I've ever heard at church with which I disagree.

Religious people often wonder why others dislike religion so much. Well - as a person who spent most of her adult life shunning religion - I'll tell you: It's because religious people often come across as pompous, arrogant jerks.

I'm not talking about a Pastor. If people know your job is to spread God's message, and they show up to your service, or read your book or your blog, or watch your service on TV - then obviously, they're looking for the message.

I'm not even talking if you share the occasional message on facebook. If you're doing that, your friends know your deal, and they either accept that about you, or they've hidden your updates. Either way - I say rock on.

But even I - someone who actively seeks out God's message - have very little patience for sneak-attack preaching. You know what I mean - sending people links in email, texts with bible versus - particularly those that question my own faith or my own actions.

That's what "non-religious" people dislike about religion. The in-your-face, my-way-is-better attitude is, quite frankly, a turn-off.

See, I don't agree with everything my church says. In fact, there have been several times when, if I hadn't been trapped dead-center of a packed aisle, I would have gotten up and left in the middle of a message.

I think a relationship with God is, to an extent, a relationship with yourself. It's private - and I think it works differently for everyone. I believe in the overall message of my church - helping the community, finding strength through faith, building hope, treating others with kindness. Those are good things, and messages I can get behind.

But a lot of the message is washed in traditional, Christian beliefs - with which I most definitely do not agree.

The God I know is one of love, compassion, and forgiveness. He did not create us to judge or oppress or be unfair to one another. He would not want us to force our personal beliefs on each other. He would want each of us to use our own talents to shape and share His message. He would expect each of us to do that in a way that blends with who He has created us to be.

In other words: He expects the underlying mesage to be the same - but also expects it'll be delivered in different ways by different people.

He would not expect all of us to "preach" or "teach" His word. Some get that calling, and study and learn and then share. But most of us don't know His word well enough. The truth is, His word comes from the Bible, which is really just a collection of stories that are left open to interpretation. So no one is really an "expert." To say you are is to say your relationship with God is stronger or more imporant than someone else's.

There's that pompous arrogance I was talking about.

If you're shoving His word in people's faces when they didn't ask, and using it to pass judgment, then in my opinion, you're actually doing His word a disservice. The God I know would not want us judging one another - because that's His job. The God I know has a personal relationship with each of us, that works in its own way. He knows our heart and our mind and our intentions, and that is what He will use to judge.

Not the opinions of others.

I do and believe in a lot of things that the Bible (supposedly) says I shouldn't. My God created me this way. That is His image of who I am, and staying true to that is how I stay true to Him.

It does not make you right and me wrong. It makes us different. Which is OK - because the God I pray to created both of us that way.

Fast food for lunch

Sometimes I eat fast food for lunch. By "fast" I mean food that comes from a building with a drive-thru attached. I don't consider things like Panera or Chipotle (or Moe's, which I prefer) fast food.

The only fast food I really "like" is Taco Bell. I say like that way because it's not my favorite way to eat what passes for Mexican/Southwest Style food. I'd much rather go somewhere a little more authentic, or - brace yourself - even prepare something at home.

But sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with lousy parking or lunch-time crowds. Sometimes I'm wearing heels and there's no way I can risk having to walk what will feel like a mile to get food. Taco Bell is also the only place I can get Baja Blast Mountain Dew. It's also slightly less expensive than some other places.

Convenience and price are my major incentives, but of course, there is that whole I-want-to-live-longer-so-I'm-trying-to-stay-healthy bit. When I started counting calories, I had to cut down the number of times per week I allowed myself the convenience of a fast-food lunch.

Notice I didn't say eliminate; I still eat fast-food from time to time. I look up the nutritional information online and track the calories the way I would for any other meal. It just so happens that when I eat a fast-food lunch, I don't each much else for the rest of the day (and/or I make sure I can hit the gym after work).

You see - it's not all about convenience or price for me. I'm an emotional eater, too, and when I have a bad day/week/month, sometimes junk food makes me feel better. Not healthy, not normal, but whatever. Some people drink alcohol; I eat sugar and salt. It's definitely a vice, but I like to think I have many other fine qualities.

Since I'm having a spectacularly crap-tastic week, I decided to have junk for lunch today. It doesn't make me sick the way it does for some people. In fact, the only food that ever makes me sick? Vegetables. Go figure.

What could be so bad that a person needs to drown the sorrow in sodium, chemicals, and over-processed food that barely passes as meat? I'm glad you asked.

***Please note: The rest of this post is really just me whining. I don't expect to have anything productive or helpful to say, or lessons to teach. Feel free to stop reading. ***

* I'm sick. I believe I have a sinus infection. I'm not a doctor, but I do know my body. Twice a year (spring and fall) my allergies kick into over-drive. The congestion usually turns into bronchitis. Last spring it was an ear infection. Last fall? My eye got so swollen that it became infected from natural bacteria on my eyelid. I got a staph infection from my own body.

More than once, this bi-annual infection has manifested itself as a sinus infection. The swelling on the side of my nose, and the fact that it's red and warm tells me there some inflammation. The slight feaver and fatigue suggest an infection. Since my ears and chest are fine, and neither eye is bright red, I'm thinking sinus infection.

* So go to the doctor! (You might say.) I'd freakin' love to. But my doctor can't be bothered to see me on an urgent basis. Or, her version of urgent and mine aren't in sync. Since this is the second time that the office's limited hours and resources has forced me into the hands of urgent care, I'm in the process of finding a new doctor. In the meantime, I might need treatment before I can get an appointment. My urgent care copay is $150; it's only $25 for a doctor visit. I can think of a lot of ways I'd rather spend that $125.

Either way, I'll suffer through the rest of today. Urgent care will be there if I need them. I have a hair appointment after work - I've never been sick enough to miss a hair appointment.

* Did I mention that now I have to look for a new doctor? I hate paperwork. It stresses me out.

* Work has been driving me absolutely bonkers for the last week. I inherited a bunch of clients last spring, which has shifted my book and made 10/1 almost as busy a renewal date as 1/1. That makes September almost as miserable as December. Rush projects, last minute changes, tons of meetings - all while keeping up with the day-to-day stuff. It's a real bummer.

* Personal life. I have one. It's stressing me out right now. I dislike changes and I dislike uncertainty even more. I'm also pretty bad at commitment.

* One of my personal email accounts was hacked. Some person in Venezuela used my email to send some sort of link to a bunch of my friends. I don't know what the link was; I'm guessing some silly ad. It was annoying inconvenience, just not something I felt like dealing with this week.

I think that's all I have to share. Yes I realize I have it better than most people. My problems are nothing compared to what some have going on. I realize I'm lucky and blessed. Believe me when I say that not a day goes by that I don't remember to thank God for what's good in my life.

One of those good things is that I can eat comfort food, and as long as I track the calories, I don't have to feel too guilty.

Another is that I knew enough to create my own little corner of the internet, where I can cry if I want.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Sixteen

The challenge for day sixteen.... A photo of you and your family.

Last year, I showed three photos, all of me with my closest family members in various combinations.

My family hasn't really changed. I still believe that family is what you make it. No, we can't change blood ties. But the truth is, family is about more than just shared DNA. It's about who you turn to when you need something; who you can depend on; who you trust; who you love.

I have a lot of family that I've chosen. Here are a few of them.

She's my cousin - but not really. Long story.
She's also one of my absolute favorite people on this planet.
When my heart was broken, and all I could do was cry, she was right there for me.
That's family.

He's her son. He's the light in my eye. Always.

He's her younger son.
OK - I'm not in this photo. But I took it.

Sorta-wordless Wednesday

Not really wordless...but they're someone else's words, that I just find absolutely inspirational. Seems we could all use these reminders now and then.

A good friend pointed out that I accidentally scheduled my sorta-wordless post for Tuesday.

So, not only is it sorta-wordless - it's also Sorta-Wednesday! Bonus!

You're welcome.