Sunday, March 17, 2019

I miss my kitty

Here's a secret some of you could probably guess:

I don't travel well.

I can research where to go and where to stay. I can plan things to do once I'm there. I am good at anticipating what might happen, what others may need. I am OK traveling alone, and can accommodate others when I am not.

But... when I am done, I am DONE. Unfortunately, when you travel, schedules can be unpredictable and the unexpected can happen. Especially where flights are concerned.

Last week I left for AZ with my boyfriend. All was well... and then an Ethiopian Airline crashed on the other side of the world and it turned out the type of plane has crashed before and has been banned by, like, every country except the US. So the FAA quickly took action and grounded the Boeing 737 Max 8 - which just so happens to only be used by Southwest to service Albany, NY. So - our flight home was canceled.

I scrambled and found a new flight that was a day later. But then I needed a hotel. I ended up finding one that had to be one of the worst hotels on the planet, but it was a safe(ish) place to rest our heads for the night. That should be good enough - but I was not comfortable, I was ready to go home 24 hours earlier, and I was stressed about getting home to my kitty, returning to work on zero downtime, and the extra money being spent.

I was DONE. 

I rushed through getting ready and, long story short, got us to the airport with hours - hours - to spare. I even paid to upgrade our boarding (if you don't know, Southwest is open seating so an upgrade just means I paid to board earlier than our assigned time, giving us a better chance at sitting together). 

I am just so done and homesick and can't wait to return to a comfortable surrounding and routine - that includes my kitty.

Sunday, December 30, 2018

So long 2018

I keep seeing posts where friends remember 2018 - some fondly, some not so much - and the big changes that happened during the year.

So it got me thinking... what are my big memories from 2018? Any big changes, lessons, memories?

I started the year with a FL vacation. Not really new - that was our third trip to FL for spring training - though we visited some new places. On that trip, I learned I really don't like touristy destinations and don't care if I ever again see Orlando or another set of mouse ears.

Somewhere in the middle of the year, I really started to feel the impact of my anxiety. I have really tried to improve its management, having come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never be able to make it disappear. That continues to be a struggle. 

I've also battled some major depression. I am still fighting that every single day. I'm a little sad to be going into 2019, well, sad, but I know I can get through and will be OK. Some days I deal with it in really positive ways - going for a walk, writing, etc. Other days I lose myself in a Netflix or YouTube hole and I need to learn that is OK, too. 

At the end of the summer, we took a trip to Gettysburg. I have to say - it's an amazing place, full of history and lessons and, I thought, a lot of sadness. I would encourage anyone to visit, and wish more people would try learning our country's history from perspectives other than white-washed history books.

Towards the end of the year I started a new job. Very exciting change! The biggest change was positive for my life - the fact that I do this job entirely from home. Earning a little more and the improved chance for retirement didn't hurt, either. Mostly, it's nice to do a job I enjoy while maintaining my sanity and sense of self-worth, both of which were seriously compromised before.

I am not sure what 2019 holds... I expect there will be challenges, and probably some really low lows, but hopefully mixed in with some very high highs. My main goal is to try and take it all in stride, and find the lessons along the way.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Holiday struggles

Boy has it been a while.

For anyone still listening - I'm sorry for the silence. For anyone who stumbles upon this space and decides to stay - I can't promise it will get better, but I'll try. Again.

Anyway - it's November 20, there's snow outside, and I have packages arriving everyday this week, some even filled with stuff not for me.

So it must be the holidays. 

If you're not new around here, you know that this is not my favorite time. For years and years it was great. Then I had a job that became nothing but a big pile of stress in December, making the holidays all but impossible to enjoy. Then I got divorced and all the traditions (I thought) I needed to be happy went out the window. 

Over time my job has changed a little and I've learn to manage the stress. My traditions never recovered, but I accepted that and actually have come to enjoy the freedom that comes with fewer expectations. 

But as I've gotten older, I've realized that a lot of the family time that comes with the holidays is also a huge trigger for my anxiety. Trying to please everyone (and inevitably failing), having to (once again) explain why my life doesn't look like they think it should, being caught in awkward family feuds... It's supposed to be a fun time of year, but it's taken over by so much stress.

I struggle to get through each day, worried that it will be the day I finally break. I practice my anxiety relief activities, and try to remind myself that this too shall pass. After all, January is coming - right?!

It's been a huge help to me in the last few years to realize I am not alone in this fight. It turns out I know a lot of people who struggle too.

So for those going through anything that will make this season a tough one, remember this:

You are not alone.

So let's put on our fancy holiday anxiety and push through!