Fat is not the problem

Plus-size, fat, voluptuous... whatever you call us, curvy girls are getting a lot of publicity lately. From magazine covers, to articles, to a seemingly-harmless post on a friend's Facebook, everyone is talking about fat chicks. Not only the women, but what is OK - and not OK - to say about them.

I've spent a lot of time carefully curating the people with whom I surround myself (both online and in real life) so I don't see a lot of negativity (unless I go searching, and I only do that when I'm in a really good mood so I can handle what I find). What I do see (and hear) are a lot of well-intentioned comments that fall just short of their mark.

There are the obvious insults. Any time a heavy woman posts a photo of herself, the trolls come out in droves. You know, these guys who hide behind the keyboard in their parents' basement, but feel they are in a position to judge another person.

But to me, those aren't even the worst comments. Sure, being called names is hurtful - but most of us have been called names all our lives. Personally, if I hadn't learned how to handle that kind of insult, I wouldn't have survived past grade school.

It's the well-intentioned, but slightly-off-mark, comments that are tough.

Comments like, "She's fat - but she's still really pretty," or "She's so brave for wearing that (whatever item) with such confidence." Then there's my personal favorite, "That outfit is so flattering."

Obviously these all sound like compliments. They're meant in a genuine way, and people honestly mean to convey a good, positive message. They never intended to fat-shame - but do they? 

If your comment suggests that it's a surprise for a fat woman to be beautiful or confident - that's fat-shaming. If it suggests that an outfit would look good on a thin woman, but a fat woman has to settle for not looking awful - that's fat-shaming. If you feel the need to excuse or explain or defend a person's fatness, you're suggesting there's something wrong with her - and that's fat-shaming.

Use whatever fancy, pretty word you like; the truth is, I'm fat. I'm also brunette, short, 42, white, hazel-eyed, and have a medium complexion. All of those things make up how I look - and all of them could be appealing, or not, to anyone who I encounter. So why is my weight the only thing that makes me "brave?" Or makes people question my confidence? Why is it the one thing that everyone feels the need to excuse?

That's the real problem. We are all conditioned to think that "fat" is an insult, rather than just another adjective used to describe someone. We, as a culture, have come to believe that fat is some sort of obstacle that people (particularly women) have to overcome. We look at a person who is overweight and assume they are unhappy, unhealthy, and struggling - in life, in relationships, in everything.

We believe this so whole-heartedly, without even realizing it, that we actually get offended when one person calls another person fat. Someone calls me fat, my friends jump to my defense. But if that same person called me short, it would be OK. Why? 

My friends believe that "fat" is a problem, and "short" isn't. My friends believe that with just that one word, someone has labeled me as the worst thing anyone can be. That's why they feel the need to defend and excuse my "fatness" (that's auto-corrected twice now, so apparently, it's an actual word). How dare someone say such a horrible thing about their friend?

But defending and excusing and explaining only reinforces the idea that "fat" is a problem.

That's the problem. Not the word fat - but what we've all been taught, and continue to teach, is its true meaning.

Adele, Octavia, and plus-size fashion

I am a big believer that the phrase "for her size" or any of its equivalents should not be used when paying someone a compliment. Phrases like "that dress flattered her figure" should also be booted from the fashion vocabulary.

Every woman, no matter her shape or size, has features she wants to show off - and those she'd like to hide as much as possible. The right dress can do that for any woman. Regardless of size, one bad fashion decision can make even the most beautiful woman look regrettable.

When you're talking about red carpet fashion - and particularly the Oscar red carpet - fashion isn't just about the dress. It's about how the whole look is pulled together. That means hair, makeup, jewelry, accessories, the dress, the shoes, the smile, the posture - the whole picture.

When a thin actress wears a particularly bad dress, we don't say it's not flattering to her figure. We don't say she couldn't pull it off because of her hips, or whatever. We say - holy $&%#, what was she thinking?!

I think curvy women should be treated the same. Beautiful is beautiful - and awful is awful. Size and shape don't need to be mentioned. It's implied - if the look was awful, then obviously the dress did nothing for the woman.

Take Adele. She's beautiful, immeasurably talented, well-spoken, funny, gracious - all the things that make you root for a celebrity.

When I say she's beautiful, I don't mean "for her size" or when she wears a "flattering outfit." I mean she's a freaking beautiful woman - one who has made some regretable fashion choices.

Her dress from the Grammy Awards - actually, her whole look - is awful. Not because of her size. Not because of her age. It's ugly because it's ugly. She's worthy of better. Period. It's not about her size - it's about no one can make this dress look OK, especially on a red carpet.

What it looks like is someone thought her hips needed to be hidden, and her legs elongated to draw attention away from her size. So someone thought Adele's size was something that needed to be hidden, and they thought covering her in a field of flowers was the way to go. I can't explain why the hair is all the way up...but it also goes to show that whoever styled the look doesn't appreciate true beauty.

I'm hoping whoever this person is was fired.

After last night's Oscar broadcast, it seems like someone was fired - or at least schooled a little.

Adele wore this look on the red carpet...

...and this look when she performed her now Oscar-winning song "Skyfall."

Found them both here

Her performance look? Hot - at any size.

Black is a traditional red carpet look. I think that's fine (and Adele does it all the time) because there's never anything wrong with being classic. I like that she added some sparkle to the red carpet look, but I still don't understand hiding the hips and arms. Her body is beautiful, and her skin is gorgeous - show it off!

A "curvy" acress who seems to have it all figured out (pun intended)? Octavia Spencer. She isn't afraid of color, sparkle, or fit.

2012 Oscars



2013 Oscars



I have read that Ms. Spencer always works with the same designer. She has said Tadashi Shoji doesn't just hand curvy celebrities a "designer tent" and send them on their way, but rather works with women to come up with her look, regardless of size.

I wonder if there's any way Shoji could have helped some of the acresses of a smaller size last night?



Fat is not an insult

There really isn't anything like a four-year-old telling you, "You're fat." I swear I've never seen her mom's head swivel so fast, or a more angry look on her face. I didn't even have time to be upset, because all I could do was turn to the four-year-old and say, "Ooooo, you're in troublllllle...." Maturity - 1, Sue - 0

There's never a wrong time to teach kids that saying or doing mean things is not acceptable. But you know what I wonder?

Who decided "fat" was a mean thing to say?

No - seriously. I get that she may have thought she was making fun of me, and Mom had to correct her. Kids have to be taught there's a right and wrong time and place to say things, and also that there are some things you just shouldn't point out. This little girl doesn't have a mean bone in her body, and I know she felt bad that she may have hurt my feelings. I'm very sure she learned that lesson.

But if she thought that "fat" was a way to make fun of me - she had to have learned that from somewhere. Who decides which characteristics are negative, and which are positive? More importantly, who is passing on those decisions to the kids? She's observing something that is true. Maybe "fat" isn't the nicest way to phrase it - but I'm definitely not thin. And she's four - it's not like she's learned words like curvy, or plus-sized.

Really, it's not much different than if she says, "Your hair is brown and Mommy's is yellow." It's just an observation - and it's true.

Maybe sometimes, there needs to be a lesson about what words mean, and how much power they have. Maybe the idea is not to just teach kids not to say something - but why they shouldn't say something. Or maybe sometimes, the lesson should be that someone's differences aren't necessarily her flaws.

If the idea is to teach little girls not to insult each other by using the word "fat" - maybe the way to do that is to teach them that "fat" is not an insult.

Don't judge Paula Deen

I have terrible eating habits. That's not exactly breaking news, nor does it make me very different from a lot of people. What does tend to separate me from the pack is this:

I don't blame my problems on anyone but me.

"I was taught bad eating habits."

In fact, I was. My father (who is now so healthy he'll probably out-live me) didn't improve his habits until I was grown and out of the house. I grew up on a diet of Freihofers, fast food and salt.

"Eating right takes time and money."

This is also true. Go to the store and buy enough fresh food (veggies, meat, ingredients, etc.) for a week, and then buy a week's worth of processed food. What's cheaper, and faster/easier to prepare?

But those are excuses. You know it, and so I. If I want to eat better, I can budget the time and the money, and my diet hasn't been anyone else's choice in almost 20 years.

So I'm working on it.

But that doesn't change the fact that no one can blame a celebrity chef like Paula Deen for their weight problem. Least of all me, since I've never even watched her show.

It's not Paula's job to make sure kids eat healthier; that's for parents to do. It's not her job to make sure adults like me make better choices; that's our responsibility.

So why all the hate? Because she announced she's had diabetes since 2008? Seems to me a poor diet and little-to-no exercise were her choices to make - just like the consequences are hers to handle.

She kept her diagnosis to herself. So? Was it anyone's business? Not really. Her recipes are blatantly unhealthy - which, I believe she's admitted. OK - so all the adults watching had a choice: Eat the food and suffer the consequences - or don't.

Seriously - no clue this might be bad for you?

Now that she's gone public, people are questioning if she did it for the money. Um, yes - she went public for the money, because a pharmaceutical company is paying her to endorse their diabetes drug. If you already had diabetes and were using a drug to manage it, and they agreed to pay you to share that with the world, wouldn't you? I would.

Does that mean she endorsed an unhealthy lifestyle so she could purposely contract diabetes in the hopes she'd get an endorsement deal?

Yeah. And Jennifer Hudson put on all that extra weight so that some day she'd be good and famous and Weight Watchers would come a'callin'. And Valarie Bertinelli and Jenny Craig? Or how about Janet Jackson and Nutri System? Yup. Packed on a few pounds so someone would pay them take it off.

Right.

Paula ate bad food because she likes bad food. Turns out, so do a lot of other people, and she found a way to make money doing what she loves. That's not a crime.

She made bad choices, and contracted a disease. Some say fine - but she should change her habits, rather than use medication to control it. OK, Dr. Know It All - and what makes you so sure she hasn't changed her habits? Just because she cooks bad food doesn't mean she eats it. And maybe - just maybe - her body needs the medication now, but after improving her habits, she won't.

Think of it like having this conversation with a friend who just started taking anti-depressants:

"I mean, why can't you just snap out of it. Just choose to be happy. It works for everyone else."

"What's that, your body can't? You have a chemical imbalance, so you have to get help from medicine, until your body is able to work on its own?"

I'm not saying if she's right or wrong. Personally, I don't care either way. I'm just saying that no one should blame another person for their problems - and it's not a good idea to judge others until you have the whole story.

I mean, consequences can be a bitch. Just ask Paula Deen.

Oh - and ps, her restaurant in Savannah, GA is amazing. But don't eat there everyday. Duh.

Love your body

"The point of our site is body acceptance, and stopping the cycle of body hate teens and women feel, largely because of media and ad campaigns."

That's from a comment Brittany from Curvy Girl Guide made in response to Amanda Talar's post about an article that appeared on CGG on December 12.

In a nutshell, the article takes issue with a Victoria's Secret campaign titled "I love my body" and the recent fashion show, which the company shows annually.

Amanda makes some very valid points - including that the article could be seen as a curvy girl tearing down the skinny girls. I didn't read it that way, but it doesn't mean that someone else might not. While I was in complete support of the article at first, the idea that it comes across as judgmental does make me stop and think.

If the focus is purely on how media influences body image, then I get it. The article doesn't look at the women individually, but the campaign as a whole, and to me that's understandable. That's how I took it; as a commentary on the campaign. The VS message is about what's sexy, and since all the women in the ads fit a certain mold, the message is that is sexy - and nothing else.

I take issue with that message, and I applaud a site like CGG for doing what they can to show an alternative to women and young girls. Why? Because I grew up a "curvy" girl. I've struggled with my weight my whole life, and was made fun of horribly as a child. So much so that at 13, I considered ending my life because a classmate called me "fat and worthless."

There were no Curvy Girl Guides then; hell, there weren't even plus-size stores. I had two choices - be thin, or feel bad about myself. So to me, the mission to improve body images, particularly in young girls, and give them a place to go where they can feel good about themselves, is a noble one.

However - I don't agree that it's ever okay for women to tear each other down. I'm so used to the idea that people are made fun of for being overweight, I suppose it doesn't occur to me that people are also made fun of for being underweight. But just because I haven't experienced it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It also doesn't make it any less hurtful than things people have said to me.

I support the message that we should love ourselves, and our bodies, no matter what; I don't support the idea that self-esteem comes from tearing someone else down. Ever.

Personally, I also don't think the media is the problem. Well - not the source of the problem, anyway. The message that thin is beautiful is popular, and the media uses that to sell. Why? Because that's what we buy. Is that the media's fault? No - they take their cues from us.

So whose fault is it if Victoria's Secret's ads make me feel bad about myself? Since I'm a grown-up - I guess it's mine. What about a young girl? That's different. She should be learning positive body image, and how to build her own self-esteem, so that when she's a grown-up, VS doesn't make her feel bad.

I guess the idea behind the CGG mission is that the media has a responsibility to encourage that positive body-image, and promote  self-esteem. I can see that point - I just don't necessarily agree.

Does the media influence hurtful opinions and words, like the ones from my classmate? Maybe. But the media doesn't determine what people find appealing. Maybe the media sends the message that it's okay to judge others for not meeting certain criteria. Maybe it influences how women's bodies are viewed. But people are entitled to their opinion, and the media its message.

Yes, it would be great if the media supported all things positive - but that's not reality. In the end, what matters is each person taking control of her own self-esteem, and finding a positive way to share her own message. I think the focus should be on teaching women and teens how to love themselves, learn to do what's right for their own bodies, and not worry about what other people, or the media, seem to think.

The focus should be on learning to manage the message, not control it. Because in the end, all we really control is our own reaction, anyway.

Mean is ugly

"Ladies, if your guy is hinting to you to step on a scale, give it back by handing him a ruler."

I got the quote from my friend; I'm not sure where she found it. I retweeted it, and a couple guys thought the logic was....flawed. In a nutshell, they felt that a guy should be entitled to concern over his girlfriend's physical attraction - regardless of his "size."

Like I said on twitter, if a man is small-minded enough to judge a woman by her weight, I'd be willing to bet his mind isn't the only thing that's small. Naturally, that's a generalization to make a point. The point about physical attraction is also fair. People come in all shapes and sizes, and not everything appeals to everyone.

My issue isn't that men don't find curvy girls attractive; I personally don't care. I'm curvy, and if you don't find me attractive, it saves me the trouble of having to deal with your nonsense. My issue isn't what one person finds attractive because opinions are subjective, and not really open to debate.

My issue is that no person (man or woman) should ever feel entitled to pass judgment on his significant other that way. That's the point of the quote - that everyone has something "wrong" with them; something they don't like, that makes them feel self-conscious. If you really care about someone, why would you exploit that?

The same topic came up over on Kristi's blog, and like I said there, if someone who I trusted felt the need to make me feel bad about myself - I can think of a sure-fire way to lose about 200 pounds of dead weight pretty quickly.

Because really - there's nothing uglier than a mean person. And even curvy girls don't want to be with someone who is ugly.

My fitness pal

I think I've come to terms with the fact that, even eating healthier and staying away from empty calories, I still need a little something more if I want to lose weight. While that's still not my main goal, let's face it - that would be nice.

I've noticed a lot of twitter friends using a site called My Fitness Pal to track calories and activity - and ultimately, weight loss. So, I downloaded the app on my phone, completed the registration, and was promptly notified how many calories I can expect to eat a day - given my exercise goals and lifestyle.

Interesting.

Health is still my ultimate goal. But obviously weight loss is a part of that. So is a balanced diet, which means taking in the right amount (and type) of calories. I know people who have lost all kinds of weight by simply not eating - or, eating significantly less than they should.

Since my goal is to improve my health, not just lower my dress size, that won't work for me. This seems like a reasonable compromise. Since it's on my phone (and I never put that down) it should also be something with which I can keep up.

But I suppose this means I need to get a scale that works.

Morning people

I really don't like mornings. I'm actually not a night owl, either. I'm more a mid-afternoon, early-evening sorta gal.

I think that means I'm old. Whatever.

Here's the problem - I get the energy to go to the gym right about the time I'm done with my lunch break. At which time, I (obviously) can't go anywhere other than back to work. By the time I get home from work, I'm usually so defeated from my afternoon...or hungry because I had to run errands and didn't actually get to eat lunch...or busy with other stuff.

OK - so the real problem is I make excuses because I hate going to the gym.

But I have to go.

So last week, I decided to try going to the gym in the morning. You know, when I have no excuses, other than I'm tired, which we all know isn't legitimate, because I'm only tired as a way to avoid facing the fact that it's a work day.

Turns out - the gym is a million times more cheerful in the morning!

At night, it's mostly filled with teenagers/twenty-somethings who are there to socialize. Which is fine - except when they socialize all over the one machine I really need to use. It's also filled with creepy guys, who think that me avoiding eye-contact, wearing ear-buds and walking clear across the room to avoid them is a clear indication I want to say hi.

Apparently, none of these people are awake at 6 am.

Instead, the gym is filled with pleasant, thirty, forty and fifty-somethings, who are just looking to get a workout in before starting their day. They're not there to socialize, unless it's while walking next to each other on the treadmills, and they're certainly not treating the gym like a speed dating event. They're polite, friendly, and not in the way.

If you find yourself avoiding the gym because you don't like the intimidation of the younger, fitter, pretty set flirting with each other, or the muscle-heads who look at you like you don't belong - give the morning a try. No, it's not my favorite, and I do have to go to bed earlier in order to make it work. But if you're already paying for a gym membership that you're not using - this might be one way to make it more user friendly.

Maybe I'm more of a morning person than I thought?

Follow Friday Fun: Curvy Girl Chic

Through the magic of twitter, I found this absolutely fabulous blog called Curvy Girl Chic. The author's name is Allison, and though I've only just "found" (met?) her - she seems super-cool and super-fun. And she has fabulous taste.


The About section of Curvy Girl Chic describes Allison as a "shopaholic / fashionista with a love for city-edge-meets-cali-chic clothing and amazing fashion finds!" If I were going to have a girl-crush on any person, I think Allison would be the one.

Allison describes her blog as "a photo-heavy blog full of daily outfit posts, product reviews, trend, shopping, and designer spotlights, as well as a little discourse about current events in the fatshion community!"

Fatshion? Yes, it's love.

But don't take my word for it. Head over and check out Curvy Girl Chic. Here are links to some of my favorite posts.

you look like summer

pop pop pop (I want this whole outfit)

Washed out

rare birds

You can also find Curvy Girl Chic on twitter, facebook, tumblr and blog lovin.

Check her out, whether you're a curvy girl or not. She has lovely taste, some good tips, and she seems pretty cool, too.