Saturday, September 18, 2010

Just About the Best

After I knew it wasn't going to work out with my "transitional guy," I started thinking about what I wanted. The truth was, I had no idea. I was new to dating and just worried about how to meet people - I never really thought about who I was meeting. I ended up meeting and/or dating several not-so-great guys. Guys who were stuck on themselves, guys with questionable views - and some guys who were just plain jerks. I even went on two of the most boring dates ever - one I barely made it through. [I nearly left him in the restaurant.]

I was meeting people, but not with a lot of enthusiasm. I was spending a lot of time at my cousins' downstate, and my best friend was staying with me. I had work, the gym, my house, my friends - I was fine. I really wasn't interested in anything more than the occasional date. 

I honestly struggled with the idea that I could have criteria - that there could be guys to whom I said, "No." Ever since I was a teenager, I'd believed that I needed to just find someone who cared for me - and then stick with that person. It never even occurred to me that I should be out there looking for someone for whom I cared.  

Then one day, out of nowhere, I thought - Wait a minute. Why shouldn't I have criteria? I'm cool, cute, smart, funny, successfull, independent... [You're nodding, right? Louder, please. I can't hear you.] Okay, so maybe it didn't come out of nowhere. I'd been through a lot, and had worked really hard to get to this place. But all that was going on while I wasn't focused on dating, so it felt like it came out of nowhere.

Anyway, I did a complete overhaul. First, I cleaned up my contacts (email, phone, facebook, etc.) Anyone who had ever treated me as an option, and not a priority - gone. Anyone who was critical or controlling - done. Anyone who had just plain blown me off - hasta la vista, baby.

Then I redid my online profile, so that I was putting out there what I wanted to get back. I tried to be clear and honest about what I was looking for. I changed what profiles I viewed, and started to be really careful about who I contacted, or to whom I replied. If you had grammar or spelling errors in your profile - forget it. If you had no criteria - pass. I was looking for someone who was smart, funny, who knew what he wanted - but wanted to have fun while he was looking. A confident guy - but not cocky. [Click here if you're not sure what the difference is.]

Friends said I was being too picky. I said, we're talking about my happy, darn it, which I worked really hard to find. Call it what you want - picky, choosy, guarded - I would be all those things and more if it meant protecting my happy. If it meant I was alone for a while - or even forever - well, that was just fine.

Turns out - that was just about the best advice I ever gave myself.


  1. Right on, Sue! I too have finely tuned my criteria...I may be picky but I know what I want and refuse to settle until I find it. After all, we're rad, badasses bitches.

  2. You could say I've settled in the past, and now finally know what I've been looking for. I'm late to the party, but at least I showed. I know a lot of people who haven't, and probably never will.

    From one rad, badass bitch to another - Thanks, Lady!