Choose happy

I am going to let you in on a little secret: Starting around November 15, I start wishing it would just be New Years Day, already. Sure, I enjoy my time with friends, and I like all the yummy food the holidays offer. Anyone who knows me knows I love Christmas presents (giving and receiving, thankyouverymuch). I get a kick out of some of my holiday decorations, since I'm a sucker for glitter and sparkle.

But damn, if this time of year isn't tough.

Between the extra family stress and the fact that my traditions are...well....non-existent at this point, I'm about done with decking my halls. I just want to eat a little food, watch "It's a Wonderful Life," reflect on a few good memories, and hope for the best as I turn yet another page.

Since I live with depression every day of my life, I know what to do and how to manage. I am thankful to be in a position where I can actually choose to be happy. I wasn't always here; happiness was once nothing more than a fuzzy idea that seemed totally out of reach. So I know just how lucky I am.

I have learned ways to find happiness. When that fails - I have learned how to create happiness. I have learned that, if you're lucky, happiness really is a choice - one you have to make every single day.

But it's still tough - and I know I am not the only one. So if you know someone going through a tough time, here is a good list of things not to say.

If you're going through a rough time, just remember - January is coming. Until then, if you need a smile, let me know. I'm sure I have one or two to spare.

Moving target

Ever find yourself thinking, "Why me?" Or, maybe even worse, "Why not me?"

We've all been there. You look around and it seems like everyone else has their stuff together. Right job, right relationship, right home - whatever. Then you look back at yourself and you think, "What happened here? Why don't I have that?"

I think that feeling is normal - sometimes. The trick (I think) is to get some perspective before you're overcome with the overwhelming anxiety that can follow.

Happiness isn't really a destination; it's more like a moving target. Sometimes you're right in line with exactly what you want or where you want to be. Other times, you think you know - only to find that it isn't all you expected. So, you have to pivot, and adjust your aim.

If you're anything like me, you probably feel like you're always pivoting. Maybe you have found yourself wondering why you can't just have what you want?

I like to think that maybe I haven't hit my target because I've been aiming too low. I suppose it would be easy to think that I somehow don't deserve to just be happy like everyone else. But I prefer to think that my happiness isn't simple like everyone else.

Mine will be absolutely amazing.

So what's a lady to do while she waits, and sets her sights on amazing?

Think about all you have. Focus on all the happiness you've already found, and how much better things are than they could have been.

Remember -  your goal isn't to reach the end, anyway. Three months from now, "happy" could look completely different than today's target. That's not a problem for those of us who know how to adjust - just means there's always something to look forward to.

So maybe those of us who are always pivoting are the ones who have it right.

Change what you want

Being happy is a choice.

I always thought that was nonsense. I always figured there was a reason I wasn't happy. I didn't have the right job, or enough money. I didn't have the house I wanted, or hadn't reached my goal-weight. If I could just get to that place/weight/salary/whatever, I could finally be happy.

It took a long fall and a hard landing at rock bottom to learn that isn't how happy works.

Happiness isn't defined by my jean size, my address, or my bank account. I define my happiness. That's a good news, bad news sorta thing. Sure, it's great that the choice is mine. But it also means that if I'm not happy, it's up to me to admit why.

Sometimes, the life we wanted - and planned for - isn't available. Even if we followed all the rules, stuck to the plan, kept to the schedule, life can still throw a curve-ball. We may have to face the fact that what we envisioned can't ever happen. The unfortunate reality is that not everything, or everyone, is within our control.

Source

But how do you fix what you don't control? You may not control the circumstances - but you can control how you react. So if you're sure what you want is outside your reach, you need to find a new way to be happy.

You need to change what you want.

That's a hard pill to swallow, especially if you're a stubborn planner who believes she can fix anything. It's actually easier to blame the outside stuff - your jean size or your bank account or your job title. Those are things you can change - and it's much easier to think your happiness is connected to something you control.

It's frightening, that we don't control our own destiny; that we can't force the round peg into the square hole and make it fit the way we want. It's frustrating and depressing and very scary.

You would think that finally accepting certain things are outside of our control would be the scariest thing any of us would have to face. No wonder so many never want to admit that there is anything we can't fix, including the life we wanted.

I have found one thing scarier. Reaching those outside goals, checking them off your list one-by-one, all the while realizing you're not any close to the happiness you thought you'd find.

It's been a while

I haven't been around in a while. Truth be told I was going through some stuff...and work was busy...and then I found West Wing on netflix and the whole thing fell apart.

(For Christmas, X bought me a blu-ray player that streams netflix, among other things. Genius.)

Also, I've been hoping I'd be able to move this little corner of the internet over to the Times Union's corner, so though I was working on some posts, I kinda wanted to save them in case that came to fruition. It hasn't (yet, anyway). I'm sure when/if it does, I'll have something to say.

I was going to do the NaBloPoMo February prompts to get myself back in the groove - but the theme is love and sex, which I don't talk about too much (here, anyway). Maybe I'll do March over here - but in the meantime...


found it here


...back to why I've been gone.

December and (much of) January were not easy. Did you ever have someone in your life who dragged you down? But you really like this person, so you were determined to keep him in your life because darn it, you can make anything work? Who you don't want to walk out on because he needs you, and you don't want to be the bad friend who wasn't there to help?

That was my December and January.

It took a lot of soul-searching and crying and guilt (stupid Catholic upbringing) but I finally figured out that it was OK for me to look out for myself. I remembered that it is perfectly acceptable to protect my own happiness and my own self-esteem (and frankly, my own safety), and doing so does not make me a bad person or friend. I reminded myself that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong reasons.

So I drew a line in the sand a couple of weeks ago and said no more. No more tears, no more heartbreak, no more putting my life on hold waiting for something that was never going to happen.

I realized what I really want is better - and better is what I really deserve.

On my heart

I am not making resolutions this year - but I am writing a few things on my heart.

Found it here.

- I will not let the problems of others bring me down
- I will thank God each day for all that I have
- I will remember to tell my friends how important they are, and how much I love them
- I will approach each day as though it will be the best day of the year - because it just may be
- I will surround myself only with people who add to my happiness
- I will learn to value myself the way others value me

I see some changes in how I approach my work, relationships, health, and finances in 2013. I know what I need to do, and I plan to do so. If I set a schedule, I know I'll probably fall behind; if I make specific promises, I know I'll probably fall slightly short.

I figure if I approach it by reminding myself of the big things...the little things have a good chance of falling into place.

I will set monthly goals for myself...and do my best to achieve them. I won't be too hard on myself if I don't always get it quite right. There's still next time.

I'm happy to see 2012 go. I was starting to hope it was all an episode of Dallas, and any minute Pam was going to wake up and find Bobby in the shower.

That's not the case, which is fine. I'm going to tuck the lessons and heartaches and triumphs from 2012 in my pocket, and push forward.

I'm ready for 2013. Bring it.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Thirty

The challenge for day thirty.... A photograph of yourself today and three good things that happened in the last thirty days.

The best thing that happened in the last thirty days was my birthday party. As a member of the Cornerstone Group, which handles all the fundraising for Girls Inc., I participated in a challenge to host a mini-fundraising event in July. I chose to host a charity birthday party.

Several of my friends donated items from their businesses, including:

Stella & Dot
Madison Handbags
Thirty One
Ambiance Florals & Events
Partylite
Avon
Mr. Subb

A lot of my friends joined together and helped me celebrate by coming to my party, and/or making a donation to Girls Inc. as their gift to me. Baking Suit helped me a ton, and deserves a lot of thanks, and credit, as does my friend who helped me get a food donation (She's got an in with the food broker).

What else happened this month?

I freaking love these shoes. Thanks again, Baking Suit.

Well, there was the actual birthday, which I spent with wonderful company. We went on a boat ride, had a wonderful dinner, and I got a nice surprise. I also got some fabulous presents from friends and family, in addition to the donations.

I went on vacation. I spent my vacation raising a bunch of money for Girls Inc. ($588 thankyouverymuch!), attending smAlbany (and being interviewed about the experience), and waking up to a play-doh breakfast prepared by my favorite two-year-old. I spent some time with my Little, and visited the Vanderbuilt Mansion in Hyde Park. I even had a milkshake from Dairy Queen!

It wasn't a romantic vacation on a beach in Mexico - and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

In the last 35 years, science has given us things like cell phones, digital music, and cloning.
But this stuff still smells as bad as it did in 1977. What the hell?

I'm skipping the photograph of myself. You've gotten plenty of those over the last 30 days, and the pictures from my vacation are much more fun to look at, anyway.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Twenty One

The challenge for day twenty one.... A photo of something that makes you happy.

Well, this should have gone up Sunday, July 22. Shucks. I got distracted.

Kitties make me happy. My kitties in particular. When they're sleeping, they really make me happy. It means they're happy and content - and not throwing up on my quilt.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Nine

The challenge for day nine.... A photo of the last item you purchased.

Steve Madden
Purchased here.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Eight

The challenge for day eight.... A song and photo to match your mood.

The song is... Stronger by Kelly Clarkson. Because that's how I feel - stronger, happier, and hopeful.

As for a picture....

What's stronger, happier, or more hopeful than rainbows and fireworks? Not a thing.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Five

The challenge for day five.... A photo of you two years ago.

According to facebook, this was taken July 30, 2010.
I really loved that top, too, and it got a tear in the sleeve. 

Thirty Days of Me: Day Two

The challenge for day two.... A picture of something I ate today.

Money can't buy happiness.
But it can buy ice cream - which is practically the same thing.

Find your passion

The other day, Joel Osteen posted this status on his facebook page:

If you are going to fulfill your destiny, you must do what God hardwired you to do. Make sure you operate in a realm where you are passionate.

I still say the guy smiles way too much, but I have to admit, a lot of what he says really makes a lot of sense.

My job is what one might consider a career. I've been doing it for over ten years and I'm good at what I do. It is an honest, challenging job that offers me a chance for advancement and growth.

Source

While that's all true - in reality, I'm a little burnt out. It's stressful work, that is either feast or famine. One minute, it's so slow in the office, I swear I hear crickets; the next, I can barely get out of my own way. There can be a lot of pressure, and sometimes my coworkers are just plain annoying.

Truth be told, if I could quit, I probably would. But my job is also a paycheck - and paychecks are a good thing to have, especially when you also have a mortgage. There are other perks; like a ton of vacation, pretty flexible schedule, and the (limited) ability to work from home.

But I'm not what you'd call passionate about my job. I show up, do what I have to do, and leave. I'm often on auto-pilot, and though there are challenges, I don't really seek them out. While I'm interested in doing my best, I'm not looking to do more than what's expected.

I do a little work for myself that I enjoy, and the writing that I do is pure enjoyment. I do find passion in those endeavors, but not the opportunity to really jump in with both feet. But Joel Osteen's comment about "operating in a realm where you are passionate" also got me thinking about the volunteer opportunities I've recently found.

Those will give me the chance to jump right in. The organizations I'm working with all need help now. I have my first volunteer assignment this weekend, and am already working on a mini-event fundraiser for another organization. I also know that the program coordinator at Big Brothers, Big Sisters has been calling my references, and I'm still hopeful I'll be matched soon.

It got me wondering - maybe I'll find my passion here. It may sound a little corny, but I'm very excited at the possibility I might finally be on a path to finding a true meaning and purpose in my life.

I think we all need one.

Help myself by helping others

So, like I said - it's up to you to help yourself out of a depression. Whether you do it by asking your friends for help, going to a counselor, changing your diet and exercise routine, or adjusting your medication - it all starts with you. No one else can make the decision that you're going to help yourself.

During my whole deep-depression, a fabulous friend suggested that one way to help myself was to help others. Get involved; volunteer.

I thought about it. Then I thought about it some more. The more I thought - the more sense it made. What I need is a distraction; something to take my mind off of how sad I am, and give me a new focus. I need something to keep me busy; a reason to drag myself out of bed (when work just doesn't cut it) and face the day - especially on days when that's the last thing I want to do.

Volunteering does all of those things. As an added bonus - while I'm helping myself, others will also benefit.

But where to volunteer? My friend, naturally, had a few suggestions there, too. "You'd make a good mentor," she said. Now - I don't see myself as a great role model, but she is not the first person who has said that to me. They couldn't have all just been trying to be nice (right?!), so I started thinking that maybe it makes sense. I contacted Big Brothers, Big Sisters - and had an interview and orientation last week. That doesn't guarantee I'll be a match - but I'm excited at the possibility.

[SN: They really need volunteers right now - Littles are on a waiting list. Just sayin'...]


I also contacted a couple of other organizations - Girls Inc. and Upper Hudson Planned Parenthood. Both have some very interesting volunteer opportunities. I've been through the required training at Planned Parenthood and start on my first volunteer assignment in a couple weeks. I'll be interviewing with Girls Inc. later this week.

Why these organizations? My time is precious...even when I'm trying to fill it up any way I can. I want to be very careful about donating time (and money) to organizations that support causes important to me. Empowering girls, and teaching them to be strong, confident women is very important to me. So is encouraging and advocating for proper healthcare, and teaching women (and men) to make informed choices about their health.

Those things are important to me - and these are causes I can proudly stand behind. In the meantime - I'll be so busy, I won't have time to think about being sad.

That's the goal, anyway.

Fat does not equal lazy

Since January, I've been challenging myself to increase my physical fitness. I'm improving my diet, increasing my exercise, and trying to achieve a higher level of overall health. I have increased my water intake and have added some vitamin supplements to my diet.

I've adjusted what I eat. Does that mean I always eat healthy or low-calorie? No - but because I am trying to lose weight, I am accounting for every single calorie that passes my lips. Do I always come in under my daily goal? No - but I am more aware of what I'm eating and what I should be eating (or not). I'm a lot closer to my daily goal than I have been in the last couple of years. That's all part of health.

I've been to the gym at least once a week, every week, for the last 7 weeks (thanks, Foursquare). In the last few weeks, I've been there 4 times each week, and am working on increasing my weekly visits to 5. My pants are not looser; my waist is not smaller. So far, the only real change I've experienced is that my arthritic knees hurt so much, I can't bend them enough to step into the shower. Awesome.

I work a full time job; I am a part-time consultant for a small business; I author or contribute to 6 blogs. I own a home and am the only person responsible for the upkeep (inside and out). I pay my own bills, buy my own groceries, run my own errands. I do all of this in addition to the work-outs. 

I've worked full-time since I was 16; I've never been unemployed, even when I was a full-time college student working 30 hours a week at an internship. I have never been lazy - but I have always been overweight. I even remember being chubby at 6, and being made fun of by classmates. I certainly wasn't lazy back then; I just didn't have a good metabolism, and never made the proper adjustments. 

The one time in my life I did manage to lose weight, I did so by barely eating anything, exercising for hours every day, and taking amphetamines. I had chest pains, did irreparable damage to my knees, and made myself sick - all in the name of being thin. It worked; but the minute I resumed healthier habits, I put the weight back on. 

No matter how hard I try, I won't ever be thin. That won't stop me from from trying to get healthy or improve my physical fitness, but it does make the work that much more frustrating. What's even worse is hearing people say things like, "fat people are just lazy," or "she should just lose the weight," or "well, she chooses to be that way." 

I didn't choose to be overweight - but I do choose to be happy with myself. Every single day, I make a decision to like the woman I am, and my heart breaks when I see others losing the same struggle. I get angry with people who think that just because thin is easy for them, that means that thin is easy for everyone. Think that what works for you will work for everyone? Not so. 

Everyone struggles, and every person's struggle is different. Putting labels on people is a bad idea, because no matter how much you think you know about someone - what you know is only a scratch at the surface. 

Still, I proudly wear the label of curvy, or plus-sized, or over-weight. Personally, I'm even okay with the label fat. Why? Because I am also smart, confidant, successful, pretty, charming, funny - and very, very grateful. Fat isn't who I am; it's one part of what I look like, which is a very small part of who I am. 

Really, the only label with which I'm not OK is lazy. 

If only

At church on Sunday, we started a series called "Forever Young." For the next few weeks, the Pastor will talk to us about maintaining a youthful spirit, even in a world constantly trying to age us with stress and worry and pressure. 

He started talking about if only... You know - I could be happy, if only...I had a husband; I had a child; I had a better job; I had a bigger house; I wore smaller jeans. 

If only.

I've actually been thinking about this a lot lately, though not in the context of keeping myself young. More about how I used to look at life that way - and now that I've changed, how easy it is for me to spot someone else doing the same thing.

Source

I used to think that all I needed was that next thing, and all my problems would be solved. Then I lost everything that I never knew mattered - and learned happiness doesn't come from what you can get. Happiness comes from appreciating who you are, the people around you, and what you already have.

But that's a tough thing to say to someone else. No matter how badly I may want to teach, it's the sort of lesson a person has to learn on her own. Some people (like me) have to lose it all before they can see what they really have.  

It's heart-breaking, though, to watch someone bounce from goal to goal, getting more and more lost, because even as she gets that next big thing - she's not any happier. She doesn't feel better about herself, her life isn't where she wants it to be, and she's losing ground with the things she thought she'd achieved. 

If only she could see the her I see. The beautiful, smart, confidant woman who is a good wife and a good mother. The woman who does for others without thinking of herself. The woman who is good at her job, who juggles without dropping and can make magic happen for her kids. The woman who has the guts to get up there and do something in front of others, even when she's afraid. The woman who isn't afraid to learn, and try, and be wrong - and keep going.

If only she saw that woman, and loved herself the way others love her, she might finally find happiness.

If only.

No Words Wednesday: The best wish

Happy New Year!

No Words Wednesday: Faith, Hope, Love

Hoping you found a little faith, hope
and love under your tree, too.

One day at a time

"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." Abraham Lincoln

If someone told me a year ago that I would be this happy at the end of 2011 - I would have thought him crazy. The truth is, sometimes life is like that - it gets really, really dark, just before the light breaks.

It happened after my divorce, too. I never thought things could be good again - and I certainly never believed I'd be happier. Then someone gave me a print with Lincoln's quote - and I found hope I never thought possible.

There's a lot of hope, and faith, in that statement. Having faith in the future gives us hope that things can, and will, change for the better. You just have to be willing to open yourself up to the possibility that something good is right around the corner. You have to accept that it might not happen exactly how or when you expect.

Find hope in the fact that, even though things might be bad now - you just never know what might happen next. If you aren't happy, believe that you can, and will, be in the future. Trust that the world will give you what you need, and put you on the path where you belong.

Now, when things are looking bad, I remind myself of where I've been - and where I am. I think about how, at one point, I never thought things could be okay again - and how now, they're better than ever. When I look at it that way - I'm filled with more peace and hope than I ever thought was possible.

Tomorrow may just be the best day of your life - you just have to get there.

Movie Monday: It's a Wonderful Life

For the third time in as many years, this year I'll be watching It's a Wonderful Life with someone who is seeing it for the first time. Since it's my favorite movie ever, I suppose it is only fitting that I keep introducing more and more people to this timeless classic.

I was fifteen the first time I watched the movie. I was at my friend's house, and his parents had it on in the family room. He and his brothers were off doing something or other, so I sat down and was immediately drawn into the story of George Bailey and Beford Falls, NY.

Up to that point, I'd really never paid much attention to older movies. I wasn't super interested in anything that didn't involve my teen idols or more current story lines. But this movie was different - and it changed everything for me.

I think most people know what the movie is about, but in case you don't, let me sum it up for you. *Spoiler Alert* The story is about George Bailey, a good guy who has given up one opportunity after another in an effort to keep everyone else happy, at the expense of what he wants. When we find him, he's had a huge curve ball thrown at him, and the town and his family and friends rally to save him - but not before he gets a chance to see what the world would have been like, had he never been born.

We all feel that way sometimes, don't we? Especially at the holidays, if things aren't going our way. We wonder if people wouldn't be better off if we weren't around - or at least, wouldn't even realize if we were gone. It's a Wonderful Life reminds us that our lives touch others in ways we sometimes don't even realize. It reminds us that everything happens for a reason, and we're right where we're supposed to be.

Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around, he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? - Clarence 

That's one of the toughest things to remember - and one of the best lessons we can ever learn. There's nothing more powerful than realizing your life doesn't just matter - it's had a positive impact on people, even if you don't see it.

More than 20 years later, I still watch this movie at least once every holiday season. Every time I do, I cry happy tears when George learns how much his life really means to others.