Always something

Have you ever heard someone say, "It's always something."

In my experience, it's usually an older woman, and she's usually shaking her head when she says the words. She usually just got bad news for herself, or heard a family member telling a sad story of his own.

I'm never really sure if she is saying it because she empathizes with someone going through a difficult time - or because she doesn't really care, but has nothing else to say, and feels like she needs to say something.

I heard it the other day, and I found myself wondering - why don't I hear people saying "it's always something" when they get good news or hear a happy story? Or is it just that some people always see the bad?

Like, if I tell them how I had a really nice weekend, that was quiet and peaceful. Or how I was able to hang out with Joe, enjoy my deck, and even get a little sun. Or if I share how canceled Friday plans turned into a lovely Sunday night. Or about my geat Sunday afternoon nap. Or even how when a few people did bug me, it was comical and I was able to laugh.

I'm sure some people would hear all that and think, "Oh that poor girl - she spent a weekend alone, getting stood up and napping with her cat! And a few people bothered her...I guess there's always something."

When the truth is, there really is always something - to be thankful for.

Happy Shemar Moore Day!

Shemar Moore.

Borrowed from his Facebook page

If ever you needed proof that God not only exists, but He loves us and wants us to be happy...there you have it.

His new website - shemarmoore.com - launched today. Is this the best Valentine's Day ever or what?!?

Here's a Youtube video of him telling all his "baby girls" he'll be their Valentine. I'm including myself on this list.

Follow him on Twitter, too - because there's really no way to get too much of such a good thing.

Oh - and Happy Valentine's Day!

It's been a while

I haven't been around in a while. Truth be told I was going through some stuff...and work was busy...and then I found West Wing on netflix and the whole thing fell apart.

(For Christmas, X bought me a blu-ray player that streams netflix, among other things. Genius.)

Also, I've been hoping I'd be able to move this little corner of the internet over to the Times Union's corner, so though I was working on some posts, I kinda wanted to save them in case that came to fruition. It hasn't (yet, anyway). I'm sure when/if it does, I'll have something to say.

I was going to do the NaBloPoMo February prompts to get myself back in the groove - but the theme is love and sex, which I don't talk about too much (here, anyway). Maybe I'll do March over here - but in the meantime...


found it here


...back to why I've been gone.

December and (much of) January were not easy. Did you ever have someone in your life who dragged you down? But you really like this person, so you were determined to keep him in your life because darn it, you can make anything work? Who you don't want to walk out on because he needs you, and you don't want to be the bad friend who wasn't there to help?

That was my December and January.

It took a lot of soul-searching and crying and guilt (stupid Catholic upbringing) but I finally figured out that it was OK for me to look out for myself. I remembered that it is perfectly acceptable to protect my own happiness and my own self-esteem (and frankly, my own safety), and doing so does not make me a bad person or friend. I reminded myself that it's better to be alone for the right reasons, then with someone for the wrong reasons.

So I drew a line in the sand a couple of weeks ago and said no more. No more tears, no more heartbreak, no more putting my life on hold waiting for something that was never going to happen.

I realized what I really want is better - and better is what I really deserve.

NaBloPoMo - Life changes

I feel like I've been in a constant state of change for the last four years. Divorce isn't easy; neither is transitioning to a new job after more than nine years because of a buy-out. Buying a house and a new car on your own are also pretty stressful.

And that was just the first eight months.

It's taken me this long, but I've recently been feeling like I'm finally turning a corner.

About a week ago, I had my tarot cards read. The cards showed that every aspect of my life is in a season of change and growth. They showed a recent loss that forced my hand, and triggered a lot of very positive choices and opportunities.

The cards also showed that a lot of this change is out of my control, and does not look the way I was expecting. They correctly predicted that this is intimidating to me. But - they also showed that if I keep myself open to the changes, there's a lot of good opportunities in every aspect of my future.

That's all good news. I suppose if I had to pick one area of my life that I'd really like to change, it would be relationships. I honestly hate to admit that here, but if I feel like I'd be lying if I said anything else, and I'd hate lying even more.

I'm not talking about a superficial change, like I'd really like a date for New Year's Eve (though that's true enough). I'm looking for a fundamental change; a complete overhaul of how I view  and manage relationships, and how I fit them into my life.

I want to figure out (and accept) the sort of relationship that I want. Then I want to learn how to make choices that will get me where I want to be.

The problem with changing this part of my life is ultimately, it is outside my control. I can make all the good choices I want; I still can't force the right person to walk into my life, fall hopelessly in love, and then live happily ever after with me.

I suppose the thing to do is concentrate on the things that are within my control. Like - just what does my happily ever after look like, anyway?

I'm working on it.

Words shape your life

From NorthwayChurch.tv

It's sort of funny to me how sometimes, the message at church is really appropriate and timely for me, and exactly what I need to hear. Other times, it's just down right eerie.

That's what happened this weekend, when my church started a new series called Words. The message this weekend was about how words can shape your life, and change your direction. At the end of the message, we all wrote down negative words that have been spoken to or about us - and then threw them away, and replaced them with the words God uses to describe us. 

It's a nice thought, and quite powerful. Honestly - I've been struggling a little bit with negative image, and figuring out how to see myself in a positive way, even when I get the opposite message. 

But truth be told, it's hard to use words like "redeemed" or "victorious" to replace words like "fat" or "ugly" and feel like I've come out ahead. I mean, I can be redeemed or victorious all day - it won't change my New Year's Eve situation. 

With regards to relationships, I was recently told that I need to stop with the negative thinking. If I start putting positive thoughts out, I will start getting some positive back.

I was told I need to stop thinking I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or successful enough. I especially need to realize that the right person is going to look at me for my whole person. He will see that I've "got it all going on" - but I have to see that first.

I was told that I need to not assume every guy will be a jerk, and start giving the good ones a chance. I need to start listening to my instincts more, and have more faith in myself.

I guess the message is the same - I need to replace the negative thoughts with more positive, and start seeing myself the way I want others to see me. After all, I can't expect to get positive, good things in my life if I'm not putting out positive, good thoughts. Right? 

I think we're taught too soon, and for too long, to judge ourselves based on what others think. We choose how to dress, what to say, who to like - and more - based on how our choices shape the opinions of others.  

By the time we're old enough to figure out that the opinions of others shouldn't really matter...it's kinda too late to unring the bell. So what's a gal to do? 

I guess I could start by listening to what people who actually like me have to say. They'll tell me I'm pretty, smart, funny, talented, compassionate, generous, thoughtful, sincere...those are some nice words. Plus, I mean, let's face it - I obviously surround myself with the best people. If that's what they're saying...well, there's no way they're all wrong. Right?

Even bigger than listening to those words, is figuring out a way to silence the words of others. To completely discount the opinions of people who don't think I'm any of those things. When someone says or does something that makes me feel less than what I know myself to be...he needs to go. 

I need to remember that I have the option of seeing myself the way he sees me - or the way I know myself to be. Then I need to make the right choice.

Negative words will always be there. I guess the trick is to make sure the positive words are talking louder.

Thirty Days of Me: Day Twenty Five

The challenge for day twenty five.... Something that you miss.

I thought and thought about this challenge. The truth is....as much as I like my things, I don't miss things. In life, I think things come and go, and are easily replaced.

Sure, some things carry a sentimental value, which is irreplaceable. But even if you lose a sentimental item, those feelings and memories aren't lost. Eventually, I think you find you don't really need the item to hold onto the memory.

So what do I miss? People. I have a terrible time letting go of people in my life.

They say people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I do believe that...and I know there are people who've come into my life who weren't meant to stay forever. But that doesn't make them any less important.

In fact, sometimes those "reason or season" people are the most important, and bring the most good and the most happiness. Then suddenly - they're gone.

I never take it well. Eventually, I come to terms with what is, and accept that these weren't "forever" people. I accept it - but sometimes, I still miss them.

I've never been good at goodbye.

Movie Monday: Red Tails

Red Tails is the story of "a crew of African American pilots in the Tuskegee training program, having faced segregation while kept mostly on the ground during World War II, are called into duty under the guidance of Col. A.J. Bullard."

I've never seen the made-for-TV movie Tuskegee Airmen, but I'm told it's good. Much better, in fact, than the just-released Red Tails, which I saw this past weekend. 

It's an important story. Like the tag line for Tuskegee Airmen says, they fought two wars. Serving their country in World War II, these men fought the same fights as their counterparts - struggling to keep their spirits up while separated from family in a foreign land, and facing their own mortality while losing friends. 


At the same time, these men also had to fight the discrimination that was still an everyday part of life, even while fighting for their country. Can you imagine - they were literally dying to defend freedom that some people didn't even think they deserved.

For that reason alone, the movie is worth seeing. Unfortunately, the very thing that makes it an important movie to see is also that thing that makes it difficult to enjoy. There is so much going on - discrimination at the Officers Club, people dying, falling in love, alcoholism, fighting for fair treatment from their own army... 

All inside two hours and five minutes.  

On the one hand, I would have liked the story to focus more on the segregation, and the challenges it presented. But it would be unfair to ignore everything else, and pretend that they didn't have to deal with anything else. They were still in danger and separated from their families. Their friends were still dying. 

So how do you balance the story? Maybe you don't. Maybe it's too much for one movie, just like it was more than any man should have to manage.  
Honestly, it wasn't a great movie. I won't buy it on DVD; but if it was on TV, I'd watch. Why? It's an important story, and one worth hearing. 

If you need more motivation, there's also him.

Nate Parker

Mean is ugly

"Ladies, if your guy is hinting to you to step on a scale, give it back by handing him a ruler."

I got the quote from my friend; I'm not sure where she found it. I retweeted it, and a couple guys thought the logic was....flawed. In a nutshell, they felt that a guy should be entitled to concern over his girlfriend's physical attraction - regardless of his "size."

Like I said on twitter, if a man is small-minded enough to judge a woman by her weight, I'd be willing to bet his mind isn't the only thing that's small. Naturally, that's a generalization to make a point. The point about physical attraction is also fair. People come in all shapes and sizes, and not everything appeals to everyone.

My issue isn't that men don't find curvy girls attractive; I personally don't care. I'm curvy, and if you don't find me attractive, it saves me the trouble of having to deal with your nonsense. My issue isn't what one person finds attractive because opinions are subjective, and not really open to debate.

My issue is that no person (man or woman) should ever feel entitled to pass judgment on his significant other that way. That's the point of the quote - that everyone has something "wrong" with them; something they don't like, that makes them feel self-conscious. If you really care about someone, why would you exploit that?

The same topic came up over on Kristi's blog, and like I said there, if someone who I trusted felt the need to make me feel bad about myself - I can think of a sure-fire way to lose about 200 pounds of dead weight pretty quickly.

Because really - there's nothing uglier than a mean person. And even curvy girls don't want to be with someone who is ugly.

No Words Wednesday: Liars

The only thing that size on a guy who lies? His nose.

Pants on fire

Trust isn't an easy thing. We give it so freely when we're little, but over time, as more and more people prove they don't deserve it, our trust gets broken. The more broken it gets - the harder it is to give.

That's what makes it so awful when you think you're ready to trust again - and that person turns out not to be deserving. It sucks to find out that - once again - you messed up and trusted someone who turned out to be a liar. Then, of course, it is so easy to just blame yourself. "Well if I wasn't so stupid," or "What did I do to deserve this." The answer?

You're not, and you did nothing.

You're a good person; you had trust to give, so you did - because that's what good people do. If someone is dumb enough to not appreciate that, then he's the stupid one, not you.

People think that being a good liar makes you a smart person. The truth is, most of the time, there's nothing more difficult to understand than the truth. If you can figure that out - and then figure out how to share it - you're bound to be one of the smartest people you know.

There's nothing brave about a lie, either. The bravest people I know are those who are not afraid to admit they messed up; who are not afraid to say what they mean - and to mean what they say. It takes more guts to be honest than it ever could to tell a lie.

There's a reason why a liar's pants are usually on fire; he's running away from himself as fast as he can.

Time out

Ever have one of those days? All the little things go wrong, and then - just when you think you may have survived all those problems - you get one, gigantic kick in the teeth? To make matters worse - the kick came from someone you thought you could trust?

I did. I tried to write a post about it - but my anger kept coming out in my writing, and I couldn't make the post sound like anything other than pure venom. It happens. Be glad you're not him; and if you are him, be glad you're not standing in front of my car. [See what I mean?!]

So, rather than keep that up - I'm putting myself in a time out. I'll be back, when I can play nice with others.

No one is perfect

The other day, I said to someone - No one is perfect; we all have our flaws. His response? "So what are yours?"

Interesting question. One I wasn't totally sure how to answer.

Personally, I think most of my flaws are physical. I'm too short, I'm too fat, my nose is too big, my smile isn't even, etc. But those weren't the sort of flaws he was asking about. To his credit, he was trying to have an interesting conversation. (It's worth noting that asking someone to think about their flaws is a good way to get them to stop analyzing yours....)

More like five 2's.... 

So I thought....

Then I realized I had just driven by about 15 parking spots because there were signs everywhere saying "No Parking Any Time." Even though dozens of other cars were parked, I was too scared to follow their lead. As I passed a car on the way to a parking lot, a man exited his car with his dog - on a very long leash. Before I knew it, the little guy was in the road - right under my car.

My reaction? Put my hands up in a "What the....?!" gesture, that was (I believe) accompanied by a raised voice.

So I turned to my friend and said, "My flaws? I'm inpatient, and have no tolerance for stupidity."

Then I stopped to consider my outfit. My bedroom looked like my thirteen-year-old self was visiting for the weekend - because, naturally, I had nothing to wear. When it came down to choosing a pair of shoes, I sent a picture to my friend to make sure they weren't "too sneaker-like" before finally settling on the complete ensemble.

I also remembered that the whole reason I was driving was because I wanted to make sure I had air conditioning on the warm day - and that I wouldn't forget to take Dramamine before getting on the boat. Also that I spent most of the night stressing over the fact that my nails hadn't gotten done the day before.

"And I might be slightly high maintenance."

Interesting question. What are your flaws?

Thirty Days of Me: Day Twenty

The Thirty Days of Me project is explained here. The challenge for day twenty: Someone you see yourself marrying and/or being with in the future.

Boys have cooties. So far, there's only one that hasn't let me down. So...

It'll always be him.

If you're going to send a picture...

...of your penis to a woman you met on a dating site, here are a few things you should do:

• Make sure she does not author a blog (or two) where she might be willing to post the picture - alongside your user name.
• Make sure you are tougher than (or can at least out run) the man she has on reserve to attack men boys like you. Related...
• ....Make sure she does not subscribe to an internet service that allows her to find you using the contact info you so foolishly gave up.
• Make sure she does not have ample access to the single women in your community. If she does, she can (and will) tarnish your dating pool (if you haven't already).
• Make sure she doesn't have the resources available to otherwise make your life a living hell.

Most importantly?

• Make sure your "subject" is impressive enough that you want it displayed. It takes a boy of very small character to attack a woman this way. No point in proving how small you are everywhere else, too.

Or, you could always look for a woman who might actually be interested in some random guy's goods. I hear there's plenty out there.

Thursday Thirteen - What's so great about being single?

When you're not single by choice, it's sometimes tough to remember the positive. I thought maybe a cheat-sheet would help.

• No sharing closet space.
• The bathroom is all mine.
• I get the bed all to myself.
• I can eat ice cream right from the container - even when I'm sick!
• No discussions about how to spend money.
• No mandatory family events (other than my own).
• No coordinating escape plans for the family events I do attend.
• I make all my own plans.
• I don't have to be nice to anyone if I don't feel like it.
• I don't have to watch Rocky movies.
• My cats like me best.
• No awkward, public conversations when I'm fighting with someone, but have to pretend like I'm not.
• No one has to "put me in charge;" I just am.

Have any to add?

Natural beauty

"There's no such thing as natural beauty." Truvy, Steel Magnolias

I came across this article on Yahoo Shine the other day. At the number one spot on the list of ten beauty moves men (supposedly) like? "When you bare it all" - aka, don't wear any makeup.

I always find that funny, considering men love women like Eva Mendes, Halle Berry and Heather Locklear. None of whom are ever seen without makeup - and each of whom has made money as a spokeswoman for a make-up company. But what do I know, anyway?


Any-who, the article says that the average woman spends nearly $200/year on makeup. I shared that on twitter, asking, "Who are the women spending less than $200?"

Not me. That's for sure.

But I got replies from several women who spend way less. Several said that if we included skin-care in that tally, they would probably be a little closer to $200, but on makeup alone - no way. A couple even said that if we were talking makeup alone, their total would be $0 (or close to it).

I think that's great. I think it's absolutely fabulous when a woman is secure enough to not waste money on things like foundation, eye-liner or shadow, or blush. Even better is when a woman knows her own beauty and doesn't need things like hair color, perfume, nail polish, concealer, mascara, or lip-gloss.

I believe that the most attractive accessory that any woman can wear is her own self-confidence. I just happen to need a little help when it comes to confidence in my appearance. I went through a stage where I didn't wear makeup - of course, I was in my early twenties, thin(ish) and engaged. Confidence (at least in my appearance) was less of an issue back then.

I think it's okay to need help with your self-confidence. The truth is, it's not good to get it from what other people think, anyway. That's not self-esteem, because you're not getting it from yourself. You have to find a way to like who you are, and be proud to hold your head high.

Because truly natural beauty only comes from loving you.

I'll be posting my absolute, favorite, Sephora must-haves, probably in August, after the birthday fairy brings me some Sephora goodies next month.

Fight fire with fire

I used to be the type of gal who was motivated by other people's opinions. My decisions were largely based on what others thought was best, and what they thought of me.

I, apparently, am starting to get over that hang up. I must have happened when I became undeniably single and was forced to really look myself in the mirror, figure out what I liked and what I didn't, and started making changes. Suddenly - there weren't opinions other than my own - and that became my new motivation.

This, I have found, is a good news/bad news story.

Of course, it's very healthy to live for yourself, on your own terms, and not worry what others think. But I was really hoping that by blogging about my fitness goals, I would find motivation to actually go to the darn gym. I thought if I added a level of accountability, by having to "face" you guys, I'd do it.

Not so. Apparently, my strive for self-esteem has started to work, and I'm actually happy with myself. Go figure. So while that's good news, it turns out, I'm not influenced by fear of judgment, ridicule or criticism. I need a different motivator to get me to the gym.

However, as luck would have it, I have found one: Annoyance.

Annoyed with my job. Annoyed with finances. Annoyed with family drama. Annoyed with men. That would normally make me want to hide under the covers with a pound of dark chocolate.

Not this time. This time, I decided I'd try something new. They say exercise can fight off depression - and since I knew that a string of oh-so-bad crap in life can bring on a bought for me, I thought I'd fight fire with fire this time.

So I did. And - I can't even believe I'm writing this - it's actually working. Who knew?

I will still eat movie popcorn. I still need to flip the ratio on my water/diet soda intake. I will always like chocolate, and cheese and bread. But I have discovered a few healthy eating tips, and managed to incorporate those into my diet. I have definitely stepped up the exercise in a way that's manageable and beneficial for me.

Will I lose weight? I have no idea. Remember, the scale is broken - and that's not the goal, anyway. Will I get healthier?

I think I already am.

Thursday Thirteen - Reasons why men are happier

I got this email the other day, and though I've seen it before, I thought some of these were just so funny that I wanted to share. The actual email is much longer - I'm only sharing the best. Because you're worth it. You're welcome.

Men are such happy people. What do you expect?

• Your last name stays put
• Chocolate is just another snack
• The world is your urinal
• Wrinkles add character
• Three pairs of shoes is more than enough
• You almost never have strap problems in public
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three pack
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look
• You only have to shave your face and neck
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
• One mood all the time
• A five day vacation requires one suitcase
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

Friday Five: Things about me

No Follow Friday Fun blog recommendation today - unless you want to count this link to the How About We... dating blog.

How about we... is a dating site that centers around picking a date activity. Users suggest a date (how about we....go to a museum, or how about we....go fly a kite) and other users gauge their interest based on the suggestion, rather than the person looks, age, interests, etc.

It's a cool idea. Once I created an account, I started getting weekly emails with date suggestions, all of which seem to be from Brooklyn. I accept this as confirmation that either the site is still growing, or they need a lesson in the geography of New York State.

There was an interesting topic on the site a couple of weeks ago - a blog titled 5 Things You Should Know Before You Consider Dating Me. It got me thinking - if I was going to give someone a heads up, what would I tell him? So, here's a Friday Five to make you laugh.

*********************

No AC?!? Ugh, when's dinner?

I refuse to live without central air conditioning. Humidity is not my friend - and I get cranky when I'm uncomfortable. 

I have terrible arthritis in my knees. If you're thinking, "She's walking so slow!" you're right. Either leave me behind, or build extra time into your planning. Why are we walking everywhere, anyway?!

Some surprises I like, others I don't Surprise flowers? I like. Surprise party, meaning I didn't know and therefore didn't wear my cute outfit? I dislike. Here's the catch: I expect you to know the difference.

Hunger affects me the same as heat and humidity - cranky, unless it's controlled. So, basically - I like to be comfortable. 

Of course my closet doesn't look
like this. It's not nearly that organized.

I love my shoes, and closet space is precious to me. Yes, I need all five seven ten pairs of black heels, and no, it is not open for debate. 

I have some fine qualities, too. If I can think of five, I'll share those next week.

What would be on your list?

Nobody likes a bully

I have a lot of a few several more than one pet peeve. I try to be a fairly understanding and empathetic person, and recognize that not everyone looks at everything the same way. So, when people are doing something that irks me, I try very, very hard not to take it personally.

But seriously....

If you start a sentence with the phrase, "Do you remember....," no matter what you say after that, I'm going to answer your question. Either yes, I do remember or no, I do not.

I really feel like our conversation should be over at that point. If you don't agree, and you want to finish telling me the story, I'm certainly happy to listen - or, you know, nod and smile.

But listening, nodding and smiling will all stop the minute you utter the phrase, "Yes, you do."

Are you actually trying to convince me that there's a memory in my head that I'm not aware of, but you are? Let's just say for the sake of argument that were true... then what difference does it make if I remember, anyway? I obviously have zero credibility.

I realize sometimes people really want something to be true, and sometimes someone else's validation is the only confirmation they can find. And the truth is - I often have a terrible memory. (Unless you've seriously pissed me off; that I won't forget.)

So your story might be true, and I just don't remember - and I'm really, really sorry. That brings me back to the understanding and empathy I mentioned. Now I'm willing to listen, and try and help you piece things together. At this point, I'm probably totally on your side, because I feel like I've let you down - and because there's no reason for me not to believe you.

But, if you try to convince me that I do remember something when I've clearly stated I don't, or something must be true because you remember - now you're a bully. Not only do I not like bullies - I don't usually believe them, and I certainly don't go out of my way to help them.

Does this ever happen to you? People try so hard to convince you (or themselves, I suppose) of anything that they come on too strong?