Tuesday, March 8, 2011

What's the rule?

"It's okay to cancel plans with friends if there's a possibility for sex." Joey Tribbiani, Friends (The One with All the Cheesecakes)

Phoebe and Joey have dinner plans; Joey cancels because he has a date. Joey says that's acceptable; the rule is, it's okay to cancel plans with friends for a date. The guys agree with Joey; Monica and Rachel agree with Phoebe. That's a terrible way to treat a friend; that boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but friends are forever.

I'll always be there for you.
Unless there's a possibility for sex...
I admit, I used to be one of those women whose life revolved around my relationships. My life is way different now, and I'm not that person anymore. But I know plenty of people who drop everything - friends, family, work, hobbies - when a new relationship comes around. When I tell them it's a mistake, they ask, "What do you know? Who are you to be giving that advice?"

I tell them, I'm the girl who lost everything and had to start over. See, that's the risk you take when you make someone the center of your life; if they're ever gone, your whole world changes. Starting over is never easy; doing so without any friends or foundation is even harder. Believe me - I've been there.

Most of the time, I don't think people even realize they're being that person. It's natural for things to change when there's a new relationship, so I think most of us just write off those changes as normal. But if your friends are telling you to look out, don't assume they're jealous, or angry or feel abandoned. Take a step back and look at your behavior. They might be right.

Have you ever been in that position? Know anyone who has? What did you do, or tell him/her to do?


  1. I was one who made my ex the center of everything, but in a way at that particular moment he had to be.

    See, I had dropped out of school, my parents/family weren't exactly speaking to me and was on weird terms with my friends. He and his family helped me put my life back together and for that I am forever grateful.

    Once I was on my feet though and I was reaching out to my friends to mend those relationships, I was back in school so my family was speaking to me again and I was making new friends, he would try to control who I could see and when. I had "Me" back and he didn't like it. (There's actually a bar in Troy that used to be the place the girls and I would go so that we didn't run into any of his friends. How sad is it that we had to leave town to go dancing?)

    Eventually I realized that although I needed it at the time, what became an emotionally abusive relationship needed to end.

    I give my friends and family a lot of credit though, at no point did any of them say tell me what I was doing was wrong or that he was hurting me, they let me see it for myself and I think it ended faster for it. They did make it clear they didn't like him or what he did to me though. They also called and emailed to make plans and get me away from him to get some normal back.

    Ultimately, me taking back "Me" helped me see it a lot faster too. Once I was back on my feet and had my wits about me, things ended.

    I don't know if that's the example you were looking for, but after being that girl? I never want to be her again so I'm wicked careful about it.

  2. I think we both know one boy that's starting into that pattern right now....

  3. Cute~Ella - Agreed. I don't ever want to be her again, either.

    Erinn - I thought of him after I posted this. Truly, honestly that episode did come on this weekend, and inspired this post. But it does sort of fit with the conversation we had last week on movie night. Hopefully that rights itself.