Monday, April 8, 2013

What I learned watching 'The Bible'

Though I was exposed to religion fairly consistenly from the ages five to twenty-two, in all that time - I never once read The Bible.

I'm sure passages were read to me. I even remember a lesson early on about how the numbering of verses works (though I couldn't repeat it now without a trip to Wikipedia).

Each week, I attend a church service where scripture is read, and then explained. I find it interesting to hear how it translates to real life. But again, that's having it read to me, and in short spurts.

A few months ago, a friend gave me a Bible (the first I've ever owned). I'd like to read it, but The Bible is a big book. Let's face it - my attention span isn't that long. I can't even finish a Stephen King novel.

So when I found out that The History Channel was showing a ten-hour series telling the story of The Bible, I thought this was my chance. The series aired in five, two-hour episodes, each Sunday in March. Sundays at 8 - I could totally do that!

So I did. I know a little bit more about the Book now, though I still find it confusing. Through church, and praying, and the series, and reading blogs, and just listening, I feel like I get the message a little bit better.

A few observations I made while watching (and sometimes tweeting) the History Channel mini-series:
  • The Bible is disturbingly violent. I find it hard to believe that God condones that much bloodshed in His name. I think these people were, at times, way off the mark in the message.
  • Along those same lines, if God had chosen more women as prophets, they may have gotten the message more clearly. Everyone knows most men only hear what they want, anyway.
  • Samson had particular trouble making good choices, especially when it came to women. Had he joined Christian Mingle, and let them find "God's match" for him, a lot of problems could have been avoided.
  • Abraham was the first dead-beat dad. That comment ruffled some feathers (maybe cause I made it at church) , but c'mon! He cheats on his wife because she can't get pregnant, and knocks-up some poor, young "servant" girl. Then his wife has a child - and he makes his first son (and his mom) go live in the woods? That's like an episode of SVU.
  • I always knew snakes were evil, filthy creatures up to no good. Now I have confirmation.
  • Say what you want about that Pharaoh, those slaves had one heck of a dental plan. Pearly whites everywhere!
  • I still don't understand why everyone's arguing over that one patch of land in the desert. To this day, even! I think something, somewhere, went terribly wrong. I hope they fix it in the sequel.
I know, I know...I kid. Now you know why nuns hate me.


  1. This is absolutely hysterical. When I first started reading, I was a little concerned that I was going to get preached to, which you know how much I love that. But this is exactly what I needed. Feel free to text me if you'd like to know my thoughts on Mary.

    1. I don't preach - unless we're talking about shoes.