Friday, October 1, 2010

Nice Done Right

I joined a conversation the other day about guys sending the "I miss you" text. In this case, the couple have only known each other a few weeks, and they'd just been on a date the night before. Also, he didn't just send it once. He sent it four times, in the middle of the work day - and expected a response.

I believe the word you're looking for is - Ick.

The conversation went on for a while, with different people chiming in. [I'm so looking forward to the Super Blogettes' take on the whole thing!] Some thought he might be needy; others thought he might just be new to dating. One person suggested maybe he's super-conniving and is actually trying to drive the lady away. Another guy was surprised that women don't actually like this behavior! 

One guy pointed out that a lot of guys don't realize that they come across as clingy or needy when they're just trying to be nice. Interesting, especially since the lady had commented that her dislike for this behavior is one reason why she usually ends up with "douche bags."

My take? It's complicated. [You're surprised, aren't you?]

I'm personally not a fan of this "I miss you." First, it screams needy, which often means low self-esteem. That worries me because it's true what they say - if a person doesn't like himself, he can't like anyone else. That leads to controlling, jealous and sometimes abusive behavior (trust me). Big, life-size red flag as far as I'm concerned.  

It's also selfish. When you miss someone, you feel that way regardless of how they feel in return. If he really missed her, he would just say so - no response required. Expecting a reply is selfish - he doesn't care that she's at work and may be busy, or having a bad day or may not feel well. He wants an answer and he wants it now. It's not about him missing her - it's about him wanting to know what she's doing, or making sure he's on her mind. Selfish. (feel free to trust me here, too)

But... What if he was trying to be nice, and he really just doesn't know how to pull it off? Like I said during our conversation - it's possible for a guy to be cute, while not appearing needy. I know at least one guy who makes it work. [Maybe he should write a post or two giving some instruction? Hint Hint]

I told someone the other day that compliments are appreciated when they are respectful and sincere. That's true of any sentiment - including the "I miss you" text. It's nice to hear that you are important to someone. It's refreshing to have someone be clear on how they feel - it'd be nice if that happened more often.

So how do you do nice right? I'm bad on instructions. He might know.

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